AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

Btw ND DX = neuro diverse diagnosis eg ASD (which is a broad spectrum), ADD.

Sounds like he manages work, other housework fine though. He’s just a fool and/or indifferent and/or petulant around food.

Yep, neurodiverse, diagnosed - unfortunately mine does not have a fab job etc etc, but he is my carer which isn't easy for him at all, and he mostly slaps on a smile anyway! :D

Tbh if I were you I'd just put up with oven meals until you're able to cook yourself as hopefully the nausea will wear off soon.

My DH can cook but he very rarely does as I'm better at it and have more time to meal plan and cook than he does. The planning and shopping is a huge part of it as you need to know what ingredients you have available. To me it just doesn't make sense for both of us to be thinking about what ingredients we have, what needs buying and what's for dinner, especially as I am not working. I do make sure we've got ingredients in for something DH knows how to make though, just in case he has to cook.

You do sound like you were hormonal and spoiling for a fight op but at the same time I get where you were coming from. It sounds like a mental load thing? So when you asked him for help you wanted him to say " sure, how about if I start cooking the tea and doing the shopping" rather than waiting for instructions like a child.
Realistically though, he's not going to change overnight so you need to work with what you have rather than just winding yourself up and having rows.

FWW I'm a terrible cook too and would suggest you meal plan simple ideas together. I do...

Soup and bread (just Chuck any veggies in a pan with a stock cube)
Tortellini with fresh pasta sauce from the supermarket and garlic bread.
Jacket potato with tuna or cheese and a salad.
egg/beans on toast
Cottage pie and veg
Tuna pasta bake
Pre-made lasagne with salad
Risotto

Maybe make a list together of a few very easy things he can do then he might branch out once he gains confidence.

Life must be really fun right now with you picking arguments over silly things and then crying and using the pregnancy as an excuse when you’re in the wrong to make sure he can’t have a go back.

saying “use your initiative” when he asked what you wanted doing was a shitty response, criticising his cooking when you know he can’t do it well, insisting on separate rooms. You were unreasonable throughout the whole thing and you should apologise

You sound like a massive drama queen.

You sure this isn't a wind up? You sound so unreasonable and hard to live with the way you're reacting to things! Your poor DH

Thanks @AutumnCrow and @WiddlinDiddlin there have certainly been times where I've wondered if DH is a little bit on the spectrum. Speaking about emotions doesn't come easily to him but he is a very kind soul

@Rainbowcat99 thank you for the suggestions. Yes I think when I said 'use your initiative' it was because I was fed up of him being blind to what we'd need grocery-wise etc.. I admit it was mean. He said he asked what I wanted because everything makes me feel sick and he didn't know what to get.

@WhatTheHellIsAQuasar @RyanReno @RambamThankyouMam yes not my finest moment. I've said sorry to DH and he said thanks for coming over to say sorry and is much happier 🙌

Thank you all for your bits of advice. I very much appreciated it all I shall try and be less hormone-driven 😬

I can sympathise with him over that though to be fair. I remember being pregnant and sick, we were out shopping and I desperately wanted chicken and mashed potatoes. It was the only thing I could imagine eating so we walked around for ages searching for a cafe that offered it.
The next day my dp proudly presented me with my tea...chicken and mashed potato again, she was so pleased with herself, unfortunately by then I'd completely moved on and the smell of it made me sick!! She was gutted 😬😬
Tomorrow's a new day though, hopefully you can sit down and talk things out.

And then I told him I can't speak to him anymore and he needs to go sleep in the next room

Bloody hell, is this how you talk to people?

My DP was a shit cook when we first got together (pot noodles/chip shop bloke). It's just down to confidence; start with something like spag bol.

"What if it goes wrong?"

"It doesn't matter, there is a chip shop down the road."

He's bloody brilliant at curries now, off his own back. And has started researching his own recipes.

If you tell him he's shit at it, he will feel like shit at it.

YABVU. You knew his cooking skills were poor, so why didn't you make him address it years ago. You are in cloud cuckoo Land if you think hello fresh is a good idea for a beginner: it has tonnes of ingredients, complicated techniques. Most mn foodies can cope with it. For basics start with a teen cook book: a basic pasta and sauce, a jacket potato etc.

He doesn’t cook, and he doesn’t need to

Every adult should know how to cook very basic meals. Why wouldn’t someone need to know how to cook? That’s absurd. All the comments saying the OP is being unreasonable doesn’t really make sense. When the baby comes along and get’s older, is DH only going to be able to chuck food in the oven? Won’t even be able to make a basic spag bol?

I don’t think the issue is that he can’t cook. It seems like he’s not even willing to try to put together something like scrambled egg on toast. That’s the issue

You know he can’t cook. He isn’t going to come home from work and magically whip something up. Plus if he did it would generate the very smells that you are trying to avoid.

if you needed him to provide a palatable meal and didn’t want fish fingers you could have had him boil some pasta and add a jarred sauce, and given him instructions on how to steam some frozen vegetables in the microwave. You could have asked him
to get you a nice big salad or something else healthy that he could pick up on his way home.

If you need him to learn to cook because it is important to you, then ask him to work on that. But it isn’t going to happen immediately on demand. It’s something that will take time and planning. He might even want to take a class. He may watch a video and then try one simple thing with no deadline, not even a full meal.

Why? Why should everyone be able to cook basic meals,

It taken me a long time to figure it out but I proper hate cooking. I really do have no interest in it. Now I do cook for us as a family and actually I'm good at it. I can appreciate the uplift in flavor etc. But I'd rather "cook" pasta and a tin of tomato 90% of the time if it was just me.

Bung in the oven frozen stuff can be fine. Especially when you think about the calorie content of anything involving cream. It's just getting the right stuff.

Nowhere did I say that people need to enjoy cooking. You need to eat to stay alive right? So you should be able to cook very basic meals at the bare minimum. It’s not really difficult to understand

God help your DH once your baby is born if this is how you’re behaving now. Your attitude is appalling and I’m absolutely sick of seeing poor behaviour during pregnancy excused and put down to hormones. Pregnancy is not an affliction and emotions/reactions can still be controlled.

Well if you areonly working on the eat to stay alive basis you really really don't need more that a protein source you can bung in the oven a frozen veg you van boil and smash potatoes

YANBU at all and I’m amazed at some of these answers. Leaving aside disabilities that make the activity impossible, grown adults who can’t cook ARE atrocious. What’s his excuse? And grown adults who can’t use their initiative to look around at what needs doing and how to look after their partners ARE atrocious.

And him cooking isn’t “helping”. He lives in the household too, he presumably eats: he’s as responsible for meal planning, shopping and cooking just as you are. In fact doubly so, since you’re pregnant and less capable right now due to sickness, and he’s the one who “can’t” cook so needs to make more of an effort to figure it the fuck out. It’s not rocket salad.

It sounds as though he is a good husband apart from being unwilling to try to cook. I think that you should apologize and try to discuss a solution. Oh and hide the oil!

A warning OP.

My partner could cook if he could stay calm enough in the kitchen.

one day we had an argument like yours - as I for a change couldn’t be bothered to cook. He said not to worry, he would do it. He then proceeded to ask exactly what he should do with the chicken and how long to cook it for and how many slices to cut of pepper and how thick should the pepper be. I told him to use his common sense - like it sounds you did.

he produced the worlds spicyiest chicken - the kids couldn’t eat it and were crying. I ate it furiously, clearly not checking. Then I was ill for 24 hours at least - vomiting and the other end. The kitchen was also a bombsite.

my partner has got however other redeeming features - such as he will do the clothes washing which in my mind is a horrible job. He also washes up after every meal.

I personally think if he doesn’t cook, he needs to do something else! In my house, it’s a battle not worth having. My partner wouldn’t be able to put frozen food on the table.

also I hate the idea that he has to “help” you will housework, as if it’s your job……………

Imv people who 'can't cook' are lazy. But it is still possible to get half decent meals if he doesn't cook. As others said - jacket potatoes. Can you make a salad then anything he 'cooks' with it means everyone getting vitamins. Salad and ham, Salad and tortilla, salad and pie etc I know he should be able to put a salad together but my DH doesn't wash anything - just puts it in a bowl and I prefer washed.

You started off totally in the right and the more upset you got the more you spiralled into being wrong.

Asking for help - totally fine and understandable, even slightly frustrating for you you had to even ask

Replying "use your initiative" - bitchy!!! Very bitchy! DH was right when he said it was rude.

Telling him he needed to step up and cook - fine, fair comment

Telling him it needed to be more than frozen food and his cooking was atrocious - extremely rude! And once again, bitchy!

Banishing him to another room - pointless and dramatic

But for me the worst part of this whole thing is telling him you will look after the health of the baby, implying he isn't.... If I was him I would never step foot inside the kitchen again. How unbelievably rude!!!!!

Youve gotten great advice on here on how to start with the basic culinary skills. You need quick and easy things if you have any hope of getting him to prepare a meal. Could u even start with jar sauces, and build it up? Something like jar of bolognese, Mince, veg and pasta? If its a complicated recipe with loads of steps he won't be bothered.