Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

Yep

Here’s a super fast google. And it’s meta. You’re welcome.

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/men-not-more-visual-or-easily-aroused-than-women-research-shows

OK so when I was a VERY naive 19yr old I went to a "ladies night," I stupidly thought like an Ann Summers party type thing......nope two strippers one of whom grabbed me and tied me up. I was absolutely horrified, the women were acting like nutters, screaming and shouting. I was covered in oil and cream. He even wrote up the inside of my thigh. When he started to do press ups on my face with a stinking furry thong I grabbed his balls and demanded he untie me. It was a horrible experience and I was completely mortified.

My ex admitted that when he was with a previous partner he had went to a strip club on a stag. Got a private dance and he had her nipple in his mouth, no touching with hands was allowed. She was pierced "down there" and she rubbed it over his nose! When he told me that a little bit died inside me. He was so excited telling me but when I told him my story he made out I had asked for it! Double standards...

Right. Good discussion 👌

And for that one 'study' there's a million others that say the opposite.

You made the statement and gave nothing to back it up yet you expect others who disagree to back it up. How do you even cope in your daily life?

You didn’t even read it. Meta.

I didn't end my relationship because he said (?) He didn't go for a private dance, it was only a "table" dance included with the entry price/ticket. But it was touch and go for a long time.

i did however find a male lap dancing club (typical floor shows with opportunities for "lap dances" after ... in London, and had two private dances and paid for one for my friends.

It was amazing how that focused the tiny mind of a man who (claimed he) thought I'd be ok with it.

It's never ok when the shoes on the other foot.

They do this shit cause they don't get it back at them. They'd lose the plot of their partner has the same done or did it to another man.

OP I wouldn't care less if my DH did this, but it's wrong of him to do it if he knew you would care, so yea he definitely crossed a line.

I think I would start flirting with every hot man I saw, right in front of him

I don't know anyone who thinks it is a normal activity on a stag night.

Haha bloody hell you and me are different species then. I'm definitely visual.

Kick him out for a week and don't contact him or reply to his messages in this time.
I'd literally do this just to shit him up and make him see that his actions have consequences but I probably wouldn't leave my DH for this.

So he’s some sort of hero or gentleman because he told you? In his head that means he’s done the right thing?

The ‘right thing’ would have been not to have a private dance. How hard is it?

This is such a shit lose-lose situation.

Ripping the family apart because of a private dance seems disproportionate and drastic.

But that just means that the OP has to accept something from her partner that she hates, that makes him like her husband so much less, and that will sit like a stone in their relationship, always there, niggling and unable to be put out of mind. That’s really healthy.

Next time he goes on a stag do or a holiday with mates, you can be damn sure he won’t come back telling you he had a private dance - but you will have zero certainty that he didn’t have one. The trust is gone.

Sorry, OP. The ‘choice‘ in front of you is depressing indeed.

i did however find a male lap dancing club (typical floor shows with opportunities for "lap dances" after ... in London, and had two private dances and paid for one for my friends
yessss, go you!
pleeeeaaaase tell me more about exactly how his tiny mind reacted, I want to savour the details😂

100% this.

That was my point. Humans primary sense is sight, male or female.

I think for me, I can understand how he'd be pressured to go into a club like that on a stag do.

Buf the choosing, totally unnecessarily, to buy a private (which are pretty full on) "dance" is the line being crossed.

And I don't know if I believe him about thinking you'd be ok with it.

He certainly wasn't checking that anyway, was he?

I think the phrase "easier to ask (or is expect) forgiveness than permission" comes to mind.

I'm sorry op, ive had similar and it makes you feel kinda sick. And it makes you so disallusioned and sad about your relationship. It's a kind of breakage in the exclusivity and intimacy of your relationship.

If it was outside a lap dancing club. It would be cheating, but somehow it's "not" because it was inside one. I think that's a convenient "rule" for men.

I kind of think it’s on the partner to tell you their boundaries when it isn’t glaringly obvious. And a stag do lap dance is a grey area imho. So it’s one of those boundaries that you thought was obvious but to him it wasn’t.

So he gets a free pass for that one off, but now he know never again. That’s how DH and I have handled similar things that crop up. You always have blind spots, things you think are obvious so you wouldn’t think to tell, but the other person has a different view and you don’t realise until they’ve said what happened or what they did.

One thing I remember early on was my DH kissed another woman on New Years when midnight was being rung in. I was not on the dance floor but he was with everyone and he thought that New Years yelling zero and yayyy and having a smooch was like mistletoe…a quick peck on the lips with whoever is there is just what you do. I gave him a 😡 and said free pass this once, but no that’s not ok you’re married man, you should come find me and kiss me. He understood and that was sorted.

So sorry I can only recall the stripper wrapping his dick around my arm.

🙄

Ripping the family apart because of a private dance seems disproportionate and drastic.

And that's why they do it

They know they'll get away with it.

Intimacy and sexual interaction with another woman .... But somehow conveniently not cheating, cause he walked inside a strip joint.

I think your boundaries may be severely screwed, pet.

I mean it’s up to you if it’s a dealbreaker. My husband has done this on stag doos, honestly I don’t care. Don’t most people do this at stags?

@HelsyQ you what?

You insulted every single woman on this thread with your extraordinarily long post saying that the only reason most of the women who have an issue with this wouldn't actually end their relationships and that we're only saying we would because we're insecure.

That says a lot more about you than you realise.

And you continue to draw a false equivalence between men paying women to grind their naked bodies against them and a male stripper who (judging from what I've seen on tv) does nothing of the sort.

I’m not sure I could get too worked up about this. (As long as it’s not a regular thing!) I’d put it in a subset category of watching porn. It’s visual (they’re normally not allowed to touch) and not something that would result in physical cheating. He probably knew you wouldn’t be delighted but took advantage of the situation and then fooled himself into feeling better by claiming he thought you wouldn’t mind. That’s pretty lame.