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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

458 replies

Koala34 · 22/11/2022 11:13

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 22/11/2022 17:40

Softplayhooray · 22/11/2022 17:27

Haha bloody hell you and me are different species then. I'm definitely visual.

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Me too.

Onnabugeisha · 22/11/2022 17:42

stuntbubbles · 22/11/2022 17:35

I think your boundaries may be severely screwed, pet.

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Lovely. So you think it’s better to not communicate boundaries? Tell me, do you believe in psychic powers?

LemonDrop22 · 22/11/2022 17:42

Must be why so many good looking/handsome men are left on the shelf (regardless of income etc) ..... That women are not visual 🙄

ComfortablyDazed · 22/11/2022 17:42

Sitdownnigel · 22/11/2022 17:40

I’m not sure I could get too worked up about this. (As long as it’s not a regular thing!) I’d put it in a subset category of watching porn. It’s visual (they’re normally not allowed to touch) and not something that would result in physical cheating. He probably knew you wouldn’t be delighted but took advantage of the situation and then fooled himself into feeling better by claiming he thought you wouldn’t mind. That’s pretty lame.

I don’t mean to be rude - genuinely - but this post is so littered with contradictions as to be pointless.

LemonDrop22 · 22/11/2022 17:42

Onnabugeisha · 22/11/2022 17:42

Lovely. So you think it’s better to not communicate boundaries? Tell me, do you believe in psychic powers?

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Some boundaries shouldn't have to be communicated to anyone with a working brain.

mydogisthebest · 22/11/2022 17:43

Twiggywinkle13 · 22/11/2022 17:39

I mean it’s up to you if it’s a dealbreaker. My husband has done this on stag doos, honestly I don’t care. Don’t most people do this at stags?

Well no man I know has been to a strip club on his stag. Pretty sure they would all find strip clubs tacky

Onnabugeisha · 22/11/2022 17:44

LemonDrop22 · 22/11/2022 17:42

Some boundaries shouldn't have to be communicated to anyone with a working brain.

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Agree, but imho this is a grey area and as humans we all think differently and so have different opinions. But we all having working brains.

LemonDrop22 · 22/11/2022 17:44

A really basic way of working out a boundary if someone hadn't explicitly says it would be."would i like this if they did it to me".

The answer is generally no .... People forge on then not because they don't know the boundaries but because they're being selfish and low integrity.

stuntbubbles · 22/11/2022 17:46

Onnabugeisha · 22/11/2022 17:42

Lovely. So you think it’s better to not communicate boundaries? Tell me, do you believe in psychic powers?

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I think if you actively have to communicate to your husband not to kiss other people, and this communication only occurs after he has kissed someone, and you actively have to communicate to your husband not to have naked women in his lap, and this communication only occurs after he has had naked women in his lap, you have (a) a staggeringly low bar for men and (b) poor boundaries.

I mean, “don’t kiss other women” isn’t spelled out explicitly in the marriage vows but it’s as blindingly obvious as a big neon sign at Piccadilly Circus.

Mardyface · 22/11/2022 17:46

Really not sure what's a grey area about whether or not paying for someone else to rub their crotch on you is acceptable in your relationship. I mean fine if it is OK with individuals (except for the whole exploitation/objectification of women thing) but it's always going to be safer to default to the 'not OK' side isn't it?

HelsyQ · 22/11/2022 17:47

Clymene · 22/11/2022 17:40

@HelsyQ you what?

You insulted every single woman on this thread with your extraordinarily long post saying that the only reason most of the women who have an issue with this wouldn't actually end their relationships and that we're only saying we would because we're insecure.

That says a lot more about you than you realise.

And you continue to draw a false equivalence between men paying women to grind their naked bodies against them and a male stripper who (judging from what I've seen on tv) does nothing of the sort.

Having witnessed a male stripper I can fully tell you it’s incredibly different to what you e seen on TV. I also find it ironic that you state it’s ‘false equivalence’ when you’ve ever actually witnessed it - how can you make that claim?

I would argue that only women who feel they have been ‘called out’ would be offended and they would only feel called out if what I were saying was true.

take care x

Onnabugeisha · 22/11/2022 17:48

LemonDrop22 · 22/11/2022 17:44

A really basic way of working out a boundary if someone hadn't explicitly says it would be."would i like this if they did it to me".

The answer is generally no .... People forge on then not because they don't know the boundaries but because they're being selfish and low integrity.

But even this doesn’t guarantee the same answer. I know for a fact that my DH would not have cared if I’d just kissed whoever I was next to when New Years was rung in. He genuinely thought that’s what you do. But I cared, and once he found that out, only then did he care.

And a lap dance doesn’t really have a comparison unless the OP is bi? I suppose she could get a private dance from a male stripper, but these are not easy to find and usually are for the gay clientele, in gay clubs not for straight women.

So thinking, how would I feel if she did this to me…it’s not the solution you think it is.

Benjispruce4 · 22/11/2022 17:49

Not DH’s thing but if he went along with a group that wanted to I wouldn’t like it as we have adult DDs. I doubt he would go tbh, probs go to the next pub. I would not be happy about a lap dance , not sure what I’d do though. It would not t be the end of our 26 year marriage.

Onnabugeisha · 22/11/2022 17:51

stuntbubbles · 22/11/2022 17:46

I think if you actively have to communicate to your husband not to kiss other people, and this communication only occurs after he has kissed someone, and you actively have to communicate to your husband not to have naked women in his lap, and this communication only occurs after he has had naked women in his lap, you have (a) a staggeringly low bar for men and (b) poor boundaries.

I mean, “don’t kiss other women” isn’t spelled out explicitly in the marriage vows but it’s as blindingly obvious as a big neon sign at Piccadilly Circus.

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So you don’t think partners should communicate boundaries. You think they’re all obvious as neon signs. I don’t think you have dated someone from a different culture or nation, you must only date men from your own background if you seriously believe this. And you’re erasing a lot of context that matters with your comments.

Squiblet · 22/11/2022 17:51

ComfortablyDazed · 22/11/2022 17:42

I don’t mean to be rude - genuinely - but this post is so littered with contradictions as to be pointless.

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... really? Such as what? I thought it made total sense, and agree with it 100%.

Soothsayer1 · 22/11/2022 17:51

So sorry I can only recall the stripper wrapping his dick around my arm
no no please dont roll eyes at me LemonDrop22, I shoulda worded it better🙏
I meant how did your partner react to having the tables turned on him 😉

NeedAChangeAsIAmSoooOuting · 22/11/2022 17:52

Koala34 · 22/11/2022 13:50

He said he had to sit on his hands obviously to restrain himself 🤢

He had to sit on his hands as he wanted to touch her? Wow. Bet you're fuming.

LemonDrop22 · 22/11/2022 17:53

My relationship was in a shit place for quite a while after an incident similar to this.

I did also finish it for a while.

(No kids involved)

As I said I went and did the same or worse to him and he could say nothing about it

We both came to the conclusion that strip clubs are not appropriate places for people in serious relationships to be, and that "just sitting in them" often involves more (even if someone doesn't purposefully buy a private "dance" like your h).

He knew if he entered one again, our relationship would end

Op, if you stay with him, it's entirely up to you of course but I'd make sure he feels some reciprocal pain & discomfort on this front. It's not easy to find male lap dancing clubs but some floor shows/stage shows will do "dances" ..... Though still not like a private dance but ..
You can also just hire a stripper for you/your mates on a night out/some will come to your accommodation.

Men need to feel what this is like so they can stop their BS, and he needs to feel some pain for this so he thinks twice very hard about repeating similar.

I still think he's got shit integrity and judgement though.

Clymene · 22/11/2022 17:54

@HelsyQ you can argue what you like. I was drawing on the example you gave:

How many of you would find a male stripper funny? How many of you would leave the room if there was one at your mates hen do or birthday? Your husband or partner would HATE this but it is what it is, it’s not a turn on, it’s awkward and uncomfortable even if we do like what we see. Liking what we see and having a penis in our face in this way would anger out partner and hurt their feelings but it is NOT the same as sleeping with someone.

So it's kind of funny, kind of awkward and kind of embarrassing. That's not what a private dance is, is it? The OP's boyfriend is having a woman grind her crotch in his face and is so aroused he is having to sit on his hands to stop himself touching her.

How are these two things the same?

Ps please don't patronise me, there's a dear

stuntbubbles · 22/11/2022 17:54

Onnabugeisha · 22/11/2022 17:51

So you don’t think partners should communicate boundaries. You think they’re all obvious as neon signs. I don’t think you have dated someone from a different culture or nation, you must only date men from your own background if you seriously believe this. And you’re erasing a lot of context that matters with your comments.

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Not really but I cba to argue about it.

HelsyQ · 22/11/2022 17:56

Clymene · 22/11/2022 17:54

@HelsyQ you can argue what you like. I was drawing on the example you gave:

How many of you would find a male stripper funny? How many of you would leave the room if there was one at your mates hen do or birthday? Your husband or partner would HATE this but it is what it is, it’s not a turn on, it’s awkward and uncomfortable even if we do like what we see. Liking what we see and having a penis in our face in this way would anger out partner and hurt their feelings but it is NOT the same as sleeping with someone.

So it's kind of funny, kind of awkward and kind of embarrassing. That's not what a private dance is, is it? The OP's boyfriend is having a woman grind her crotch in his face and is so aroused he is having to sit on his hands to stop himself touching her.

How are these two things the same?

Ps please don't patronise me, there's a dear

I’m not sure where I patronised you but you’re clearly triggered.

hopefully you’ll be able to figure out why all of this is affecting you so much and work on yourself from there. Best of luck x

LemonDrop22 · 22/11/2022 17:56

The OP's boyfriend is having a woman grind her crotch in his face

Sorry to be pedantic but they're usually concentrating on grinding their crotch (and bum) on his crotch; that's the main event.

CarefreeMe · 22/11/2022 17:56

I kind of think it’s on the partner to tell you their boundaries when it isn’t glaringly obvious. And a stag do lap dance is a grey area imho. So it’s one of those boundaries that you thought was obvious but to him it wasn’t.

I agree.

A strip club/lap dance wouldn’t bother me but it would for other women - but a partner would necessarily know that.

Same as porn, having friends the opposite sex, being friends with an ex, giving colleagues lifts home etc - all of which have been deal breakers for women on MN but for other women wouldn’t be an issue.

My rule is if they don’t intentionally hurt you or know that you are against it, then you can’t be mad at them and vice versa.

Megifer · 22/11/2022 17:56

"One thing I remember early on was my DH kissed another woman on New Years when midnight was being rung in. I was not on the dance floor but he was with everyone and he thought that New Years yelling zero and yayyy and having a smooch was like mistletoe…a quick peck on the lips with whoever is there is just what you do. I gave him a 😡 and said free pass this once, but no that’s not ok you’re married man, you should come find me and kiss me. He understood and that was sorted."

Wow, that's a bit of a sad read tbh

Onnabugeisha · 22/11/2022 17:58

“Op, if you stay with him, it's entirely up to you of course but I'd make sure he feels some reciprocal pain & discomfort on this front. It's not easy to find male lap dancing clubs but some floor shows/stage shows will do "dances" ..... Though still not like a private dance but ..You can also just hire a stripper for you/your mates on a night out/some will come to your accommodation.

Men need to feel what this is like so they can stop their BS, and he needs to feel some pain for this so he thinks twice very hard about repeating similar.”

Eeek! I do not agree. Revenge isn’t good at all and will destroy a relationship. Men don’t need to feel the same to realise they’ve made a mistake and to not do it again. Plus doing the same thing back to them after you’ve said something is a big no, is being a do as I say, not as I do type of person.