Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

There's no equivalence with a male stripper. We do not live in a world where men are physically and financially subjugated to women.

I'd possibly have forgiven when younger.

But now? My partner is old enough to understand misogyny. And the added factor of him probably being nearly twice the age of the performers would be so unbearably creepy.

::::checks op:::::: yep, question asked was "WWYD", not "please be supportive and tell me you'd get over this"

I wonder if those women who would forgive this are worried they might not be able to find another relationship? Or perhaps finances are a concern? Or they have just been conditioned to accept being treated like that? Maybe they are blaming themselves for not previously listing out what they find unacceptable? Perhaps they are scared if they kick off their other half will just cheat anyway? Or leave them?

yes I'm somewhat of an armchair psychologist myself.

Men "just doing it because they are on a stag do and it's expected" are no better than men who do it openly anyway in my opinion.

This "when in Rome" attitude leads to awful awful scenarios such as the Oxfam aid abuse scandal. Any activity which dehumanises a class of human that is already hugely disadvantaged in society is bad news.

I agree.
I would end my marriage if DH did this. Honestly I feel an affair would be more forgivable. At least then he would be risking his marriage for someone he actually cared for, not risking everything treating women like objects.

Absolutely no way. I would not ever forgive this.

Not because I see it as cheating - I don't, but it is about power and inequality with the scales tipped 100% in favour of a man.

My husband doing this (unthinkable) would tell me he is not the person I thought he was and he feels like he can buy a woman, as if she is not a human. It would tell me he is sexist and a misogynist.

I'd be even less likely to forgive if you have children, who themselves may one day be viewed as commodities by men like him.

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

As I read that I was fully taking on board what you were saying and respected it completely.

Then came the insult. I would have spoken about this with you in a respectful manner but I will withhold my conversation for someone who possesses the intelligence to put their point across without low blows. When you attack like that you lose the power of anything you could say immediately.

Well I'd be less than happy and I doubt my husband would do this, but it is just paying for someone to rub their tits in their face. The girl wasn't there for the thrill, there's nothing in it, it's just bleur and seedy. I'd rather this than me finding secret texts to someone he could have something real with, the intent is different. I'd be pissed off, but I wouldn't be filing for divorce.

I have been to a lap dancing club and have seen what goes on and it was a whole deal tamer than I expected! The women were very much in control and most of the men just looked awkward! There are obviously many types of LD clubs, but a private dance was very much a public thing when I saw it. The whole thing was very much more controlled than male strip shows for example, where women behave quite shockingly imho.

Completely agree too. A planned in advance lap dance by himself I'd find difficult to forgive. A spur of the moment lap dance on a stag do egged on by mates, I wouldn't be delighted but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. And if I'm honest I wouldn't leave the room if there was surprise naked butler on a hen do.

I get what you’re saying. I suppose my point is that the most of the women that are saying they would 100% leave probably wouldn’t.

it’s hurtful, it’s a problem for many reasons, I just don’t think all of them women would drastically change their life like that.

Guys you can’t say you have a problem with this and then go on to say it’s not comparable with seeing a man strip and be objectified. That’s just insane, if you’re taking the stance it’s not ok (in my opinion it’s not) that really needs to go both ways.

I don't think id end a relationship in which I have a very young baby over it if we'd never had a prior conversation but I'd find it very hard to trust his judgment and morals again so I think it'd ruin the relationship itself in time

There is absolutely comparison. The way women can behave around a male stripper is outrageous, loads of touching, and if a man asked for the same protection as a woman ie no touching or boundaries he would be laughed out of his job.

Men are visual creatures, women are not. Women are perfectly capable of seeing an attractive/sexy man stripping without getting turned on, the same couldn't be said for men.

Speak for yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get turned on by a fit man walking down the street, don’t mean I’m gonna ride him.

What utter bullshit. Backed by science as bullshit too. Where did you get this from, Handmaiden’s 101?

There is no world where he didn't realise you'd be upset, otherwise he wouldn't have had to confess it to you.

Men really are utter shit.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

How is that relevant?

Which bit is backed by science as bullshit?

My partner says 'no one buys a random mate a dance- you buy it for the stag. So he bought the dance himself'

Married or not I'd not be happy anyway.

It’s cheating in my book. I doubt many men would be delighted about their partner stripping naked and rubbing herself all over some random in a bar.
Same difference.

I absolutely would leave if my partner did this. Why? Because I don’t NEED to be with my partner across any axis. I have the ability, thankfully, to be financially independent. I am capable of living alone. I’m with him because we have built a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. I’m way too old to suppress my feelings for some idiot who has just proven he has no respect for women, not least of all me.

I wish women would stop infantilising men. It’s pretty fucking obvious that most men already know whether their partners would be okay with this (and the default should be no). Men aren’t brainless little amoebas that just can’t help themselves. They choose to do this, they choose to disrespect women. It’s unfortunate that many heterosexual women have convinced themselves that if they want certain things from or with men that they have to put up with appalling behaviour. That men ‘can’t help themselves’. That’s not an equal relationship, that’s a dictatorship. And he’s the one ruling the roost.

I wish more women had the strength or lives they had created in order to respect themselves enough to leave when men fuck them over like this. And no, I’m not judging the individual women. I’m judging the society we are in that allows women to think that they are less than, and have to capitulate to bullshit behaviour. It’s part of the exact same issue as the normalisation of strip clubs themselves. That women are to be used, whether it’s to be objectified for money, or to produce and raise offspring while men mostly continue their pre-child lives, doing what they want when they want.

Thank goodness there are decent men out there who don’t have to be ‘controlled’ by their wives — they’ve managed to figure out their values all on their own. Imagine that!

Maybe they/we are seeing it as the man drastically changing their life?

I can say with absolute certainty in OPs position that would be the end.

It would show a serious lack of respect for me

Cheeky bastard using partly my money to pay for it

Treating me like a fool thinking that saying a mate paid makes it better

Not only going to a strip club but getting a private dance (a quick Google shows what does go on in a lot these, and I don't mean the q&a on Quora, i mean actual investigatory pieces)

Actually saying at least he owned up as if that deserves a pat on the back

Doing all this while im at home with their kid

Frankly I think my DP, if he completely lost his mind and did this, would judge me if I didn't kick his arse out!

That men are visual and women are not.