Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

If my DW had done this to me 4 months after I’d given birth I would have been devastated

I agree.

I’m so sorry OP. I can understand that you must be reeling.

In your shoes, what happens now would depend on his attitude. Is he sorry that he has hurt you? Has he already voluntarily said that he will never do anything like this again? Has he suggested ways that he can make it up to you?

If he just expects life to go on as normal with no changes, I’d be thinking long and hard about my future with him.

Id be thinking about my future generally. Look at what you need to do to protect yourself moving forward in case of a repeat. Suggestions: a separate account for you with money that would keep you going for a few months, review how finances are dealt with overall making sure you both have equal fun money and contribute the rest to the family pot, review your childcare and household arrangements making sure these are relatively equitable and plan to go back to work with him taking on an equal burden of childcare so you can keep your career progressing.

He has shown you that he does not value your marriage in the same way that you do. Time for him to step up and correct that view

The friends s person keeps says a lot about them.

He hurt me, I hurt him.

Men like to dismiss it as nothing, they soon see it's not when they have it done to them.

The only reason I did not end the relationship was that he was out under pressure (I know this from the other attendees) to go in and, to my knowledge, he did not have a private "dance".

He has not been unfaithful to me, that I know of.
I would end the relationship if he was.

oh and the whole thing made me aware of how men's sexuality and toxic masculinity is thrust, no pun intended, on us at every turn. Strip clubs in every city, no equivalent for women, page 3, cheer leaders at sports, number 'girls" at boxing matches, always womens bodies being gazed at and exploited, back then virtually no mainstream coverage of women's football or any other sport..... It made me very angry at the time and as a result I enjoyed, intensely enjoyed, being in an environment where men's bodies were being displayed, assessed and theuf sexuality exploited for a change.

And yeah, it does teach them.

Also your post was pretty fkg ride.

*rude

Yeah I came to the conclusion that you have typed who don't need to have a drinking, coke and stripper stag do .... And there are those who feel the need to.

As a woman you're onto a real loser with the ones who do.

Expect the shit integrity and decency, and lack of respect for women, abd sleaze to come out of in other ways.

Tell him you've booked a male escort to give you a private dance that he can pay for. Then LTB.

Yeah, while he looks after your little kids.

Anyway, you don't need an escort, you can book a stripper privately.

He'd just say it's not parity because the lap dancer was not an escort/prostitute.

(Though it does cross over sometimes).

@LemonDrop22 I like your style ...

When my ex cheated on me I made damn sure I equalled then exceeded his count.

He didn't like it one bit! Tough! Said he wanted to 'close' our now 'open' relationship but it's a one-way door for me.

We split up as we had to agree to disagree. I was willing to overlook his infidelity if he overlooked mine. Obviously in fact he thought it was fine for him to cheat but not me.

No loss.

I won't tolerate hypocrisy.

It does seem a bit contradictory on second reading! What I’m trying to say is that I personally wouldn’t be massively upset if my DH had a private dance, but, in your position, I’d be pissed off with a husband that showed such a lack of judgement and consideration for his wife when he knew she would be upset.

I dont think he knew you wouldnt mind OP More likely he is of the mind that with a 4 month old you are less likely to leave him over it.

I would be tempted to play Tina turner “Private Dancer” on a loop over and over again just to piss him off

This is actually quite hilarious, aside from the anguish of the OP. The amount of 'my DP or DH would never' self-righteous responses is brilliant. I'd wager at least 90% have already been or will in the future.

I would be very surprised - Dh finds stuff like that mortifying before we got together we worked together and I witnessed him going to some lengths to avoid. He finds it cringe. He is not a “one of the lads” type though never follows the crowd and has lots of female friends. It would be weirdly out of character

Oh pity I saw this too late for you to watch France vs Australia tonight. The French men were quite dishy. Beautiful bodies, toned, masculine, so sexy…sorry, I did not think he’d mind me mentioning this…

Look he’s been very immature. It’s not the worst. But it hurts like hell.

Don't let it define your marriage but tell him it’s out of order and that you would expect maturity.

it is not lost on me just how gross men can actually be.

I don't like it think it's sleazy as hell but am pretty sure my dh has been to couple strip clubs back in the day (stag parties). I never asked if he got a private dance. However since we married & certainly since we had kids afaik he hasn't & I'd be mad as hell as I feel sorry for the girls & we've 2 daughters I'd be like wtf you a middle aged married man grow the hell up. Id be mad & let him know it! But not ltb unless it was a regular thing or went further than the lap dance.

ah yes. the old "my dh/dp is a piece of shit so all of yours must be too or you are deluding yourselves" Probably makes people feel better about the compromises they have had to make in life.

There are a lot of men out there who wouldn't behave like this. It is sad that someone thinks they are a tiny minority - as if 90 percent of men go to strip clubs and get private dances.

And finding anything about this thread hilarious ....

A private dance can involve touching.it is very intimate it can often be taken to a separate area or even room.
It's deff done for arousal and takes a completely different tone to the main strip dance area.
Each dancer has her boundaries. But I involves light touch to actual fondling.
She may allow cupping.and may cup back.
If taken into a separate room, well that's all you need to no on where that's going.
Depends on the club,what the security looks like and general feel of the place.some is more like girl for hire.some alot more strict.some just down right abusive

Sorry to read this.
I am sure he would have realised you would not have been happy about this considering you’ve been together for so long. It’s very sad, especially when you have such a small baby and there’s the aftermath of hormones from that.

How is he now? Has he apologised? Is he remorseful or minimising? Or acting like nothing happened? He knows how upset you are?

I personally would end things. But that is only your choice to make. Some women won’t mind having vulvas boobs and bums rubbed in their husband’s faces, others do mind. I personally can not get my head around how some women tolerate it, but that’s up to them.

I know my husband would not like the hunky man who lives down the road to be naked for me, rubbing his balls over my face. He’d be even more insulted if I paid for the pleasure of it. I’m sure he’d end things if that were to ever happen. I won’t cross that line and I am confident he wouldn’t either.

It’s only you who can decide what your line is in your relationship.

Hi, I used to be a lap dancer back in the day and unfortunately it is most definitely cheating if the guy isn’t single. During the private dance the girl strips completely naked and although the guy isn’t technically allowed to touch there is touching involved because the girl is usually sitting on him grinding and sometimes the club may turn a blind eye to some other touching and stuff going on. Obviously some women are ok with their partner visiting these clubs etc but knowing what I know, I would definitely see it as cheating.

An ex of mine from years ago had a private dance. I was very young and desperately wanted to appear like a ‘cool’ girlfriend so when we had a conversation about my feelings on the matter before he went I said that I was fine with it and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. This wasn’t strictly true but I genuinely didn’t think I’d be that bothered about it. In fact I really didn’t understand why other women got their knickers in a twist about something that was just a bit of fun and I’m not a jealous person in general so what harm would it do, right? When he actually went ahead and did it though I felt heartbroken and really wished he hadn’t told me. I kept up my pretense of being fine with it but the relationship didn’t last much longer as I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’d given him my blessing so he was open with me about it but I’m sure he’d still have gone even if that had not been the case, he probably just wouldn’t have told me. Although it was ‘just a dance’ (as far as I’m aware???) I felt like he had been unfaithful and it made me realise just how intimate the act of undressing in front of/being naked around someone is to me. I have never felt jealous of another woman’s appearance but the thought of my partner being up close to and being touched by a slim, glamorous and naked woman really brought out a Green Eyed Monster in me that I never knew existed. I am no oil painting and I never have been. I’ve always known that I’m not very attractive but it made me feel like the ugliest girl on the planet

YABU

I think this is the difference between the female and the male perspective. I really feel sorry for the OP’s husband and the over reaction here is at best ridiculous.

In 1999 I was in her husbands exact same position, on my stag night the group of guys I was with dragged me to a club after a pub crawl. I was absolutely smashed but they still took me, and they paid a girl to dance for me. There was strictly a no touching rule, this is how it is in these clubs.

I told my wife after about the events of the night and about the situation and she went berserk.

As far as DW was concerned, just like the OP here, this was a major thing, irrespective of the fact that I couldn’t remember half of it. I was just the same as OP’s husband, I was like, if the girls took you to a male strip club, I would not react like this and she was like “yes, but they don’t shove a pussy in your face” she was hell angry

My perception was it was no big thing, I was not cheating on her, I was not having sex with the dancer, frankly I was so smashed I couldn’t even remember half of it, I couldn’t even recall what she looked like, was she blonde, brunette, let alone what a flash of her might have looked like, IDK? it meant absolutely nothing whatsoever to me V DW who had all kinds of images in her head, was over exaggerating things and mind going ten to the dozen imagining all kind of things that were just not reality. Her perception of what a dance is, and my experience in reality were VERY different. These girls are doing two min strip dances on a constant cycle, guy after guy, to clear as much cash as they can in as shortest possible time. Half the guys don’t know what’s hit them its all so quick. Perhaps DW had seen some program of some footballer having some full hands on experience and sex with one, IDK but as I say DWs imagination and my reality were poles apart.

Anyhow, I was reminded of this dam event for probably the first ten years of married life. It got on my nerves frankly whenever it was brought up. Its all very good here the feminists baiting the OP and telling her to dump him etc but he’s probably a dam good guy, loves her and just caught up in a crap situation and unlikely to repeat it.

I can tell you I love my wife unconditionally and I am still married to her, she is my absolute world and I have never done or been in a situation like that since. I am annoyed at the guys that dragged me that club and yes, the lads with your DH could have behaved better, they could have stood by him better and not taken him to an adult club, could of, would have, should have, BUT it happened.

Your DH will learn from this, is unlikely to repeat it and my advice is to move on from it. Just forget the situation, it will mean absolutely nothing to your husband I can tell you. I have been married 24 years this year, two children at university now and it’s been fantastic, I have never done anything like that stag night since. Don’t let your anger of this silly event spoil your future.

Only YOU know what your guy is like, if he was out every night, on tinder or whatever meeting other girls and having affairs or visiting prostitutes sure dump him but he’s not. He ended up in a foolish situation, it happens. You have made your point, so I say give him a hug and tell him not to be so stupid in the future, back your man, be supportive, let it go. Life is far too short.

Good luck to you for your future married life, live. Love and leave a legacy together.

Man here! And my perception is everything I do is damn fine! My silly little wife, well I love her dearly but she does get ideas in her head – like the time I got a lap dance! ::chuckles fondly in misty-eyed reminiscence:: Ah, youth. Anyway, what your pig of a husband needs is a HUG. A special willy hug.