Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

@Mobydickssister wouldn't be the stupidest thing I've seen people do drunk tbh. People buy crazy rounds of drinks when trashed. Absolutely he could be lying about who paid for it, but I wouldn't say its impossible that it could have been a friend. If he paid for it himself and it was expensive OP should be able to find out pretty quick from bank statements.

What if they were all getting them and said "come on 'OP DH', let's get dances', he goes 'nah thanks, don't have the money' (saying no thanks but saving face by saying is money rather than because he's married), drunk idiot friend goes 'don't worry mate i got you' and pays for it. He goes in to save face because he's a drunk idiot and everyone else is and they're ripping the shit out of him.

I'm not saying he's not in the wrong, at best he's a complete moron, I'm saying leaving him comes with it's own set of consequences so OP needs to balance up everything rather than a knee jerk reaction.

'I didn't end my relationship because he said (?) He didn't go for a private dance, it was only a "table" dance included with the entry price/ticket. But it was touch and go for a long time.i did however find a male lap dancing club (typical floor shows with opportunities for "lap dances" after ... in London, and had two private dances and paid for one for my friends.'

Jesus.

Yay way to go, lower yourself to their shit levels what a great plan. I wonder when your dp is unfaithful do you do the same to even it up a bit? It's only fair. That'll teach him. .

Nah. I wouldn't be with any man who would do that with another woman, let alone a woman who was PAID to do it. Seedy and disgusting, and they do it "because everyone else did" like a bunch of brain dead sheep.
I couldn't ever get over it.

Wouldn’t be angry just baffled that I was married to such a thick banal cliched twat type man. Thankfully I’m not.

I'd be upset but also relieved that he's told you. Lads away on a stag do get up to such things and perhaps he felt pressurised to do what they were doing.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs I'm not saying he's not in the wrong, at best he's a complete moron, I'm saying leaving him comes with it's own set of consequences so OP needs to balance up everything rather than a knee jerk reaction.

That seems sensible on the face of it.

However, to me, any man who would leave his wife at home, on her own with two kids ( one a baby) to go to some sleazy club is a complete a-hole.

Was he supposed to refuse to go on the stag do altogether? I don't like strip clubs, nor does my DH, but he was best man for his friend who desperately wanted to go to one or it 'wasn't a real stag do 🤔🙄'. He went because he was best man and I wasn't mad or anything about it.

Have you ever made it clear to your DP that this is unacceptable? For me, I think of private dances as cheating (let alone issues with exploitation within lap dancing clubs in general), and made it clear to my now husband how I felt from day one. Luckily, he doesn't just respect my wishes but also agrees with me, and if ever in this position, leaves the stag/event early.

I think you'll find it very hard to get over but you do need to make sure your DP knows very clearly how you feel and how devastating it is to you. I'm afraid I don't have much more advice than this, I hope it's a one off and he genuinely didn't know so you can get past it with time.

This is something that is expected on a stag do? Is it? Maybe for
men who think nothing of the sexual exploitation of women or just creepy sleazy men like you husband perhaps.

Tbh this could be a solution - tit for tat?

Why do posters keep saying that it is a normal thing to do on a stag? Many men go on stags and do not get up to such things.

Maybe the men I know are strange or, more likely, they are decent men who have no interest in going to a strip club

My partner done this to me when I was 8 months pregnant. It was a stag doo and I knew they'd end up in a strip club but thought he'd have a bit more respect for me. I was devastated and couldn't get the image out my head. Still hurts now thinking about it, but I had to let it go. He knows if theres a next time I won't be forgiving him.
I did however, make him buy me a present of the value of the dance. Not sure it made me feel much better but it was something at least! Hope you're okay though. The thing that helped me was thinking how those girls probably cringe at the guys they have to dance for.

I would be heartbroken. I don’t think I could be with someone after that. If I stayed, I know it would eat away at me over time and cause me so much unhappiness. I have not left relationships before when I have been mistreated or disrespected or hurt because like so many women, Sunk Cost Fallacy comes into play. You think I’ve invested so much into a life with this person, I will have to swallow something that causes so much pain to protect the investment. It has never ever been worth it. Also I hate how the burden or blame of ‘breaking up the family’ falls on the woman despite her not doing anything wrong. Funny how it’s never the man who stops to consider he’s breaking up the family when he makes the decision to go out and behave like a prat.

I went to a hen do years ago and we went to a male strip club. They were all dressed as firemen

"EndlessRain
Have you asked him if he would be comfortable with a naked man gyrating with his penis inches from your face?"

That's the thing though, I don't think that's really equivalent.

Again, maybe I'm being naive, but I wouldn't find that a turn on. At all. I'd find it either just weird and uncomfortable or possibly funny.

I do think though that men find it a turn on when it's women. Which I do find very ick because they are surrounded by their mates.

A couple of posters said that guys wouldn't buy a private dance for their mates as they are expensive. A fair point. I don't know how much they are and I guess there's no point asking as the price must vary a lot. And as this was a few years ago that my husband did this I don't remember (probably never knew) how much he spent that night.

In response to pp who said in eastern Europe etc that often include hand jobs / blow jobs / full sex.....the instance with my husband was in Manchester. Other than that I know nothing about the place.

I don't think my husband would have done that, but I guess nobody does.

I'm still finding it hard to envision quite how intimate these dances can be with no actual touching, and I just find what I am envisioning to be so awkward and cringy I find it hard to believe guys find it such a turn on. Although I guess when there's a scantily clad girl in front of them they just don't feel the cringe factor.

I'm imagining that a girl in a bikini or similar dances about in front of him, shimmies about on his lap, removes bikini top and then probably also the bottoms? Is that about right?

For me and, thankfully, a lap dance is certainly not a grey area. We have never needed to discuss boundaries because we both share the same standards and morals

Yes, I've been to similar, on quite a few occasions.

Husband doesn't give two hoots, and has no reason to. In my experience they are incredibly unsexy. Funny and good fun (sometimes) but never anything arousing.

Sorry but he has cheated on you. I’d divorce my husband if he did this.

It’s a rule at clubs.

Yes, but your recommended consequences of just go get a lap dance for yourself then are hypocritical and are about deliberately hurting your partner. That is the opposite of sensitive and kind, and demonstrates a complete lack of integrity.

What a Prince.
did he tip for a handjob too?

They’re not in bikini’s but in sexy lingerie and are even known to make out that they’re masturbating in front of the man! I know this as I interviewed a lap dancer once, it’s shocking how ‘intimate’ lap dances and private dances can be without touching each other.

I think you are very lucky. In my long experience no two minds think alike especially if you have a cross-cultural or international relationship. There is always a chance some incident will crop up that has one of you thinking not a problem, and the other going hang on I’m not good with this. The important thing is to discuss as these come up and come to an agreement moving forward.

Yes exactly, these conversations should be happening beforehand. OP knew he was going on a stag do, why didn’t she voice her view on strip clubs and Lao dances then? Cannot assume you and your partner are of one mind on everything. I do think though that occasionally, things we think are obvious and don’t need to be discussed are not so obvious to our partner. These are blind spots. And so you have these oh shit moments where you have to say, that’s not on, here is why, and give your partner a chance to understand your point of view, apologise and agree on how to move forward.

He's very keen to rub your nose in the details, isn't he.

Has he been pressuring you to have sex since your baby was born? It sounds like a very dumb way of paying you back for something he feels hurt about. Maybe not a plan. More like a kid lashing out because he hasn't got enough sweets.

Im not sure I could face ending a relationship over this. But I do think this will leave a mark. If you go to therapy, I'd settle in for a long series of appointments. I think there's a lot if work to be done.