Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

I'd bin him , OP. That is a massive line and he's crossed it. Guys that go to Lap dancing Clubs are creepy wankers.

Very difficult, op, when your children are so young.

What I would do is bear this in mind throughout the rest of your relationship. Don't let yourself become financially dependent. Keep your job. Work towards promotion.

A man with an attitude like this is unlikely to be a keeper, but you may not wish to part exchange him just yet for practical reasons while your children are so young

What do you mean @EndlessRain?

I was in a similar situation to OP a few years ago, just before covid.

Pretty much exact same. I asked how his night was (I knew it was a strip club) he said "fine". I asked if he'd had a private dance, not really expecting him to say yes, but he said yes, one of his friends has paid for a dance for him, and he said it with a bit of an eye roll, like it was inevitable and not a big deal.

He then seemed really surprised that I was annoyed / upset about it. Said he was sorry and he really didn't think it was a big deal.

I wasn't pleased about it but just put it out my mind.

I now wonder if I was being naive about it and realise I don't actually know what a private dance entails?

It’s a no from me

The things about this 'oh but how would he know you didn't like it' shite are that

Why would he assume it IS all right with his partner? Surely the cost of his being wrong is worse than the cost of his not doing it when she wouldn't have cared.

Finding out that your H is the type of person who thinks it's ok to pay women for their bodies is possibly worse than the whole fanny-in-his-face scenario. Even if you haven't explicitly told him maybe you thought he would have worked out that this is objectifying and exploitative for himself.

What a charmer 🤬

Sorry, I thought you were being sarcastic.

He was uncomfortable and a bit down in the mouth but, being a relatively fair sort of person most of the time, knew he could say fuck all.

He agreed (well he said he agreed even before I went to the male lap dancing club (Lap Attack, was in Streatham, closed down now unfortunately and they've even demolished the building for good measure) that it was I appropriate and it felt inappropriate..... That was certainly the case when I did the trip.

I did not tell him the details. It would not have been productive; main stripper rubbed my crotch before I asked him to stop, as I said wrapped his dick around my arm, ground on me etc etc).

I felt I didn't need to provide uncomfortable details after I was there; because I (a stately home visitor, that's my thing) only went because he chose to go into a lap dancing club and (apparently) stayed even when it was clear entry price included a "table" dance. Btw I had told him beforehand that I wasn't comfortable with the prospect of a lap dancing club, he asked the stag who said he had no intention, that was how it was left before he did it.

I was with my husband 3 months when he went to a stag do, we had already had the discussion early on that I would be uncomfortable with strip clubs etc and he said they weren’t his thing anyway. I reiterated my fears before the stag do and he was able to reassure me that even if the others went he wouldn’t go in and I trust that this is true, I also trust that he would tell me the truth if anything did happen, eg someone hiring a stripper and him being there. I wouldn’t be able to get past this happening at all.

I respectfully and strongly disagree.

This is not a sensitive, kind, careful, considerate high integrity man we are talking about here.

People need to feel consequences for their very poor, unfair behaviour.

@Onnabugeisha

So you don’t think partners should communicate boundaries. You think they’re all obvious as neon signs. I don’t think you have dated someone from a different culture or nation, you must only date men from your own background if you seriously believe this.

Absolutely.

We have so many posts on MN from women who are upset that their DH/partner has got involved with this sort of activity. It makes me mad on their behalf.😡

When are women going to speak up and say what behaviour they find acceptable and not acceptable? When are some women going to learn about boundaries? 🤔

These are conversations to be had before getting married or living with someone in a committed relationship. It's common sense to find out if you are on the same page as your significant other. 🙄

I now wonder if I was being naive about it and realise I don't actually know what a private dance entails?

I think most women seriously underestimate what a private dance entails.

I can also tell you that private "dances" in clubs in Eastern Europe and the Canaries etc. can entail hand jobs, blow jobs and penetrative sex.

I think most women don't think their partner would do what they did.

Because they mistakenly believe they have standards, empathy and integrity.

(Anyway In my case I warned my partner I was uncomfortable with it, he went in anyway when the stag changed his mind about going to such a club.
He did not, apparently, have a private dance though).

Another generous friend eh? Do they actually think they are believed?!

I'm afraid you were possibly a bit naive. I know from a pal that private dances often do have a happy ending, if you get my drift. And this is in a range of 'upmarket' (lolz) places to the downright seedy.

Personally, if my husband did this then our marriage would be over. I expect him to know that it is unacceptable behaviour, if he tried to convince me that I should have told him he shouldn’t have done it then I’d laugh. For me it’s cheating and my marriage is built on respect and trust.

I doubt he thought you wouldn't mind. He thought he'd get away with it because you've got very small children and wouldn't want to break up the family.

I would be devastated too. It’s gross. But was he basically forced into it by friends? Do you think you can give him the benefit of the doubt? If not, is it worth breaking up the marriage over? I know it must be incredibly painful but these are all things to think about. DH’s ‘best mate’ bought him 3 private lap dances on his stag do. DH didn’t have them and instead stood at the bar whilst his ‘best mate’ ended up having them. The fing pk knew DH would have hated it. It took a lot of willpower to not do it though. As apparently he kept trying to persuade him. DH said it was all so awkward and awful. I think lots of ‘mates’ tease them until they are forced into it.

@Koala34 people on this thread are bonkers. I'd think long and hard before taking all the 'bin him' and 'LTB' comments.

Look, you've been married 12 years. Sounds like a good relationship. Divorce is traumatic for yourself and the kids ... and then what? You say he's an involved father. If he decides he wants 50/50 custody he will likely get it. Not straight away but it will likely happen. You will likely have to sell the house if you own it and move somewhere you can afford alone. You will have to run the home on your income. How will you finance the rest of your maternity leave if you kick him out? Were you planning on going back to work part time? Not anymore. Unless he is a high earner CM won't go far and may not be awarded at all if 50/50.

He did not kiss her, touch her, have an affair, gamble away money, have sex with someone or try to deceive you in any way. You asked and he told you. It's grim for sure, and I'd rip him a new one and say that's his one and only warning. But if he is a good husband and father otherwise, will that one error in judgement on his behalf seem like the marriage breaking big deal you think it is down the road when you've lost your husband, home and you're not seeing your young children every day? When it is your child's birthday or Christmas morning and you can't see them because it's dads time?

Sleep on it, don't do anything rash. If it is truly a deal breaker for you then so be it, that's your choice.

That would now be my future ex husband ! Sorry tuatara limit I would not tolerate for quite a few reasons

I completou agree with this ! I bet he will hate it and realise how stupid he was

Excellent post 👏

Very early on in our relationship my dh (then bf) had a lap dance whilst on holiday - I found out about it bc I found a token-thingy in his bag that said “this token entitles you to one lap dance” on it - when I confronted him he said it was his friends. Obviously I knew this was bollocks but although I was upset I decided to ultimately get over it.

Reading this thread now (20 years later!) still brings back that horrible feeling of betrayal, upset, feeling like you’re not good enough, feeling like he must be lusting after other women and just ultimately losing a lot of respect for your partner. We’ve been together a long time but sometimes, in light of other things that have happened in our relationship with regards to infidelity, I wish I’d seen this for the huge red flag it probably was and finished things back then.

You definitely lose respect for the person and that grinds away at you over the years. If your dh is anything like mine OP, this won’t be the only sleazy thing he does. Men who go for lap dances generally don’t have a very high opinion of women.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs He did not kiss her, touch her, have an affair, gamble away money, have sex with someone or try to deceive you in any way

No-one knows any of this apart from OP's husband and his mates who aren't going to tell.

And why would his friend pay for the lap dance for him?? If that was the case, and he had a backbone, he could have refused and let his friend have it.

Something doesn't add up here...

Given the cost of private dances, no one is getting them paid for by a mate. He must think you're zipped up the back. And yes, of course they are intimate. As I said before, if its not okay for Susan from next door to grind naked on your DH, why is it okay for a stranger to?

Slightly off the point, but I wonder how any dancer keeps a straight face while she is being goggled at by a bunch of drooling adult men sitting on their hands. Maybe the men have no idea how ludicrous they are. And my vagina snaps shut at the thought of one of those dickheads trying to touch me afterwards.

Sorry this has happened to you, OP.

thanks LemonDrop22, sounds a pretty uncomfortable experience with the male stripper/dancer person😮
I prefer stately homes too😊

I would leave because why would I stay with someone who would do something like that when they deep down would no I didn’t approve. I wouldn’t care if it’s was sues boob or a strippers boobs he shouldn’t want them near him as a faithful married man if he did he isn’t the person I thought he was. I’ve got my children, the youngest is in school. Yes his wages is good but I don’t actually NEED him for anything other than money or sex and I certainly wouldn’t be having sex with a man who got private dances so if I stayed I would be staying for his money and he isn’t that rich to make that worth while haha