To let DS have the whole day off for friends funeral?

[RappScallion]

DSs friends funeral is on Friday.

They have been friends for 5 years and were close. He died a couple of weeks after being given a terminal diagnosis. Its his second friend to die in the last 6 months and he is understandably devastated although putting on a brave front.

The funeral is at 1:30 at a crem about 30 mins away from us. DS is supposed to be at college in the morning (doing a practical course) and as such will need to be collected and go home for a bath etc before us leaving for the crem. I would need to collect him at 11:30ish (20mins drive home, 30 mins bath, 15 mins food, 30 mins to crem, plus allowance for traffic and not arriving last minute).

DSs attendance is 88% (he had a week off due to flu and then a sickness bug directly after) and so the college have said he should be attending as many lessons as possible although they won't say if le. DS has said he doesn't feel up to that. If he's going into college he'd rather miss the funeral. If I let him have the whole day off I would guess it might be unauthorised.

WIBU to just let him have the day off?

YANBU

Whole day off definitely.
It's a funeral. It shouldn't count as 'unauthorized' if you tell them.

I'd let him have the whole day off. Its one day.

I would 100% let him have the day off. It was a close friend so he must be devastated. Even if he went in he wouldn't be in the right frame of mind.

Your poor DS. Death is hard enough let alone 2 in 6 months 😕

I hope he's coping and getting whatever support he needs. Though I'm sure he is from you ❤️

There will be students who miss whole weeks with no reason, he has reasons for his absences.

Whole day off. There’s no way he’ll be in the right headspace to think about his schoolwork.

Why on earth does he need a bath? Just pick him up at 12.30, quick change and a sandwich (which can be eaten in the car if needed) and straight to the cream. 88% is very low attendance and it will be very difficult to catch up a practical course

Of course he should have the day off. It would be unreasonable - an incredibly harsh - to make him go in on the day of his friend's funeral.

i am not sure why he needs a bath, though I assume his practical is something messy. If you could swap the bath for a good wash/ change of clothes at college he could eat in the car on the way to the funeral.

I would not expect him to go in that day.

Of course let him take the whole day off.
But why does he need a bath - a 30 minute one at that?

Yanbu if he needs the whole day from an emotional perspective (although being at college might be a better distraction than being at home waiting for the funeral to start) but if its just practical/timeliness I agree with pps that its not clear why he needs to go home and have a full bath and meal rather than just changing at college and having a sandwich.

If he manages to get home normally without a shower etc he can't be that filthy! If it's sports based surely they have showers at college?

If he's college age, I think it should be his own decision. Some people might prefer to have the rest of the day off, some might find they actually cope better by continuing with their normal routine. As there is no clear right or wrong answer, I think these are the kind of decisions that we should start letting our kids make for themselves as they approach adulthood.

As long as he needs off. This is awful for him.

I would let him have the day off.

I'd support him being off for the whole day if that's what he feels he needs, DD lost a few friends as a teen and it has had a huge impact on her mental health as an adult.

He's at college? Why then is he not making this decision for himself?

Absolutely whole day off….

Loss and mourning are so sidelined in our modern culture and it leads to delays in processing feelings in a healthy way x

One day for this, especially in such circumstances shouldn’t be an issue.

I say this as a grieving daughter and widow who has felt very rushed through my experience this year as a “mature and resilient” adult and I also saw my adult sons lose a friend this year.

I think it’s very important that rituals around death are given importance they deserve…. Anything else may prolong the adjustment to the situation.

Sending you and your son my thoughts x

Wow that’s horrific. Definitely all day off if he wants, imo.

Would you work the morning of your best friends funeral? I wouldn’t.

Whole day off.

Of course he should have the day off if that's what he wants ? He may feel he wants to go in the morning. To keep himself busy

Saying you adult son needs a bath reads like you are talking about a child.

I'd add that you ought to be careful how you treat his grief. Greif in teenage years can have a profound impact because teenagers often don't have the emotional capacity to deal with it very well and it's often their first real "near adult" experience of grief". This, coupled with the fact that it's not taken entirely seriously by adults for some reason.

I had two friends - albeit not even close friends - due within 6 months of each other. It really had a huge impact on me and affected me for a very long time.

I can't believe you would be questioning whether you ought to go into work on the day of a close friend's funeral or whether a quick flannel bath and sandwich in the car would do. Why is your son's grief less worthy of respect?

I would have a day off to go to a friend's funeral. No way I would be able to concentrate. Of course he should have the day off.

It's not unauthorised anyway - if he were at work there would be a section on the HR form for attending a funeral.

I'd be embarrassed if I had written this post.

Of course he should have the whole day off. Your poor son, how awful.