To let DS have the whole day off for friends funeral?

[RappScallion]

DSs friends funeral is on Friday.

They have been friends for 5 years and were close. He died a couple of weeks after being given a terminal diagnosis. Its his second friend to die in the last 6 months and he is understandably devastated although putting on a brave front.

The funeral is at 1:30 at a crem about 30 mins away from us. DS is supposed to be at college in the morning (doing a practical course) and as such will need to be collected and go home for a bath etc before us leaving for the crem. I would need to collect him at 11:30ish (20mins drive home, 30 mins bath, 15 mins food, 30 mins to crem, plus allowance for traffic and not arriving last minute).

DSs attendance is 88% (he had a week off due to flu and then a sickness bug directly after) and so the college have said he should be attending as many lessons as possible although they won't say if le. DS has said he doesn't feel up to that. If he's going into college he'd rather miss the funeral. If I let him have the whole day off I would guess it might be unauthorised.

WIBU to just let him have the day off?

Surely there isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' thing to do here? Its up to your son and how he feels? I'm 53 and earlier this month my best friend/recently ex-boyfriend/OH of 5 1/2 years died suddenly with sepsis. I was with him when he took his last breath. I had nursed him through a total mental breakdown since lockdown 1 and he had lived with me since last Christmas before he moved to start a new life in another city in July. Although we 'split' we still talked/messaged every day and were going to start again once he was settled. I've not had any time off work and will be in work on Friday until midday before his funeral at 2pm because this is what is working for me. Another person might need to be at home.

Please tell your son to do what he feels right doing and give him lots of hugs x

YABNU. The attendance stuff doesn't matter. I hope he is OK.

^This.

Your son and his MH is more important than attendance figures.

This

If your close friend had died, don’t you think having the morning before the funeral to reflect might help you more than being ‘made’ to go into work and try to concentrate while grieving and upset? Do you not see why somebody might not be in a good frame of mind to work well when they’re about to attend the funeral of a close friend who died as a teen?

Jeez. This wins the prize for the least empathetic comment ever.

I’d let him have the whole day off, unless you think he’d rather be busy and distracting himself with college that morning.

In terms of attendance, assuming college has a similar number of days per year to infant school then 2 weeks off across the whole year would give him around 95% attendance. If he manages 100% from now I bet his percentage will be fine, it’s just looking bad right now because the absence is so early in the year.

Out of interest those saying they wouldn't go into work if they were attending a funeral - would your work let you have it off as paid bereavement leave or would you have to take annual leave?

Only because my work (and every other jobs I've had) only allows bereavement leave for close family - I've had to take annual leave for grandparents/friends etc and know people in less flexible jobs (teacher etc) who have either had it refused or have to take it unpaid.

Therefore ive quite often done a half days work before an afternoon funeral as have lots of colleagues/friends and family so it might be influencing responses. Obviously there are always variations in terms of travel time and distance, manual/office work, job roles, etc. Just seemed surprising that so many people think it's shocking to even suggest doing anything else if you have a funeral that day when for many it's an unfortunate necessity.

You would MAKE him go to college?

His mental health means nothing to you?

You and many others. Foiled by my own habit of overexplaining!

But to continue in the same vein .... we don't have a shower and our water pressure is almost non-existent so water trickles out the taps. Filling the bath is a PITA and takes forever. He usually does a half bath to get the worst mess off and then runs another bath to get clean / wash his hair etc. DS is doing plastering / brick and I have no idea how he comes home as messy as he does but he does - hopefully its because he's new to it and it will improve with time.

I wouldn’t get paid leave for a close friend’s funeral, only direct family. I’d take it unpaid/swap shifts with a coworker/phone in sick. I think some things are more important.

Of course let him off! He's likely to be in a state anyway and not suitable for learning.

Two friends dying at such a young age must be scarring. Poor lad.

Yep, the day off for sure.
Tell the college why, of course.

Of course he needs the day off. His mental health is far more important than college attendance figures. He's got the rest of the year to catch up.

Go with your instinct, OP.

Ah OP I get you now. I used to live in an apartment with no shower and no water pressure!

Have the day off. As someone who was in a similar position to him at his age loosing three friends in a car accident it is important to attend the funeral to support his other friends and help process the thoughts of loosing a friend so young. Also for his friends family to know his circle of friends cared and appreciated him.
Your son should also seek to see the college pastoral care team and complete a mitigating circumstances form so that the paper trail is inplace should his attendance be an issue at the end of term.
In his defence he's hardly going to be concentrating on the practical throughout the morning.

There are some posts here that make me wonder how people can say what they have.

If he needs the whole day he takes it and college should be compassionate when looking at his attendance.

Absolutely let him have the day off and the college should recognise this as compassionate leave and good for his mental health.

I lost a friend at a similar age and we spent the afternoon together, going through photos and reminiscing. It really helped.

Sorry, I meant I spent the afternoon together with all of our friends.

This exactly. Frankly anything I could do to make a shit day marginally less shit would be my choice. But then I’m generally quite caring and sensible.

Of course I would give him the day off.

When I saw the title I thought you were asking about a child.

He's old enough to make his own decisions but yes, it is not unreasonable for him to have the whole day off.

16, and second friend dying in 6 months? Definitely have the day off. His attendance will be much lower if his MH spirals.

From someone who used to work at a college, 88% is very good. Let him have the day off, it’s an exception

Explain the circumstance to his college, I can pretty much guarantee his tutor will go out of his way to help him do the practical part he's missing.

Your poor son op, I remember going to a childhood funeral of a family member and it was horrific, I remember every detail of that day 30 years on. I was only allowed to go to the service, not the burial and I'm glad that decision was made for me. It took me years to process, I can't even imagine going to 2 in 6 months. Your poor boy. 😕