To let DS have the whole day off for friends funeral?

[RappScallion]

DSs friends funeral is on Friday.

They have been friends for 5 years and were close. He died a couple of weeks after being given a terminal diagnosis. Its his second friend to die in the last 6 months and he is understandably devastated although putting on a brave front.

The funeral is at 1:30 at a crem about 30 mins away from us. DS is supposed to be at college in the morning (doing a practical course) and as such will need to be collected and go home for a bath etc before us leaving for the crem. I would need to collect him at 11:30ish (20mins drive home, 30 mins bath, 15 mins food, 30 mins to crem, plus allowance for traffic and not arriving last minute).

DSs attendance is 88% (he had a week off due to flu and then a sickness bug directly after) and so the college have said he should be attending as many lessons as possible although they won't say if le. DS has said he doesn't feel up to that. If he's going into college he'd rather miss the funeral. If I let him have the whole day off I would guess it might be unauthorised.

WIBU to just let him have the day off?

Must have changed since I was at college, we were treated as adults, parents didn't phone in for you or have any input really, I was 16 when I started. Sounds like she's talking about a high school pupil. Maybe different now 🤷‍♀️ and it's like school and you need a note from your mum?

Students always have a lower attendance percentage at this time of year, because it only takes a few days off to cause it to lower significantly. If he was still at 88% in the summer term then I would be more concerned. (ie if you have one day off in week one of the school year, you would only have 80% attendance).

Complete the absence request form and put the reason. You don’t need to state the timings of the funeral. Explain that he has now lost 2 friends in quick succession and for the state of his own well-being, it is very important that he attends. I cannot imagine this being unauthorised.

I’m sorry that you are all going through this.

Till they are 18.

The law has changed.

I could easily have gone into work on the morning of my friend’s funeral and I had every intention of doing so. But the closer it got to the day of the funeral, the more I realised that my head wasn’t in the right place for working anyway. I took the full day off, and to be honest, my work wasn’t the best the day after either.
I think he will need to full day off, but needs to keep himself occupied somehow in the morning.

Your poor baby is putting a brave face on. His friend has died.
Phone his tutor and tell them he's off that day.

He’s at college, not school. So it’s his choice OP.

What does he want to do?

If he feels like he wants to go in for the morning to keep occupied and busy then I would encourage him to do so. If his friend attended the same college I’m sure his tutors will understand.

It won’t hurt him not to have a 30 minute bath. Could he not just have a shower if he will be dirty from the course? I’m assuming It’s mechanics, painting or something with animals? Because no other course would get you that dirty for a 30 minute bath.

Please don’t try and complicate his day or make any time limits. It will already be hard enough on him if you rush him or give him a strict itinerary.

Whole day off

All his absences are completely explainable (it's not as if he is bunking off - which is the main reason for attendance records). And his last 4 weeks of 96% proves that.

You need to ring the college and tell them - I bet they have a code for bereavement

Day off for the funeral, he won’t regret that he went in the future.

I'd be making a serious complaint if the college kicked him out for taking a day off for a funeral. Or for genuine illness for that matter.

His whole future won't fall apart, because he will be absent for one day. YANBU.

I bet you'll be running the bath for him and warming his towel?
On the day of my child’s friends funeral, absolutely I would. Why are you acting like being a caring mother to a child, and during a time of grief, is something to be sneered at?

Of course he stays off,no question.

Absolutely, whole day off is needed. If the college says anything tell them to stick it! I'm sure his mind won't be focused in college that morning anyway so imo no point going in. I hope your son is okay!

Gosh I'd be in support of him having the whole week if he needed it!

This isn't skiving off, its a close personal bereavement.

Don't worry about the attendance figure - if he's keen to be at college he will be.

Bear in mind that it's the first term.

If you take one of the first 4 weeks off attendance is 75%

If you take one of the first 10 weeks off attendance is 90%

By the end of the year his attendance will be right back up there in the high 90's.

Take the whole day OP, the colleges stance on this is ridiculous. An employer in the future will absolutely understand his reasons. I wonder what the colleges leave policy is for their staff? I bet it’s not “buck up and get over it” like they’re expecting teenagers to do.

Honestly there are justifiable reasons that you can protest against if they event attempt pulling him off the course. I’m presuming you can gather GP or medical records to support an illness too if needed?

Let you son have the full day, and most importantly comfort him and tell him not to worry about college, that’s the last thing he needs is to worry at a time like this.

This

People always do it on mumsnet. Like it’s somehow pathetic to help or comfort your children once they’ve left reception class.

But in real life these are the things we do for the people we love. If all I could do when my son had lost a friend was run a bath for him then I’d do it gladly. It’s a small token of love and care when someone is in the throes of grief.

His decision. Whole day completely justifiable. Though I’m also distracted by the 30 min bath - 5 minute shower would be fine!

Running a bath and warming a towel for someone you love who has been bereaved is a simple human kindness. Like ensuring they eat something nourishing, rather than shoving a sandwich at them in a car on the way to a funeral, as another pp suggested, or drawing the curtains and making their bed so they can fall into it in the aftermath. Grief is physical and shocking, and there is no shame in helping a 17/18-year-old through it.

But anyway, your son feels he wouldn’t be up to it. Most of us would take the entire day off work to attend a close friend’s funeral. I would support him to stay home for that day and explain to college that he was attending a funeral.

How is having the whole day off going to help him? I'd make him attend college in the morning and just pick him up at noon, and take him to the funeral.

On the day of their close friend's funeral I'd draw a bath and warm a towel for absolutely anyone I loved, adult or not. What a misanthropic post.