To let DS have the whole day off for friends funeral?

[RappScallion]

DSs friends funeral is on Friday.

They have been friends for 5 years and were close. He died a couple of weeks after being given a terminal diagnosis. Its his second friend to die in the last 6 months and he is understandably devastated although putting on a brave front.

The funeral is at 1:30 at a crem about 30 mins away from us. DS is supposed to be at college in the morning (doing a practical course) and as such will need to be collected and go home for a bath etc before us leaving for the crem. I would need to collect him at 11:30ish (20mins drive home, 30 mins bath, 15 mins food, 30 mins to crem, plus allowance for traffic and not arriving last minute).

DSs attendance is 88% (he had a week off due to flu and then a sickness bug directly after) and so the college have said he should be attending as many lessons as possible although they won't say if le. DS has said he doesn't feel up to that. If he's going into college he'd rather miss the funeral. If I let him have the whole day off I would guess it might be unauthorised.

WIBU to just let him have the day off?

Typo 1994 x

Until you're 18 years old, your parents have significant control over you, as, if you're under 18 years of age the government says that you're a minor.

88% is really not pretty good!

I would absolutely let him have the entire day off, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it (unfortunately) goes down as unauthorised absence. My partner’s daughters both had a day of unauthorised absence to attend their grandparent’s funeral, as apparently it only goes down as authorised if it’s a parent or sibling.

She's not said what he's doing at college. Might be a course he gets dirty like mechanic's, painting and decorating joinery plastering. Or catering working in a kitchen you need a shower when you return home or you stink of cooking smells.

I have a 17 year old at a sixth form college. I have to email them to excuse him when he's sick or just to remind them that he will be absent from one class because of a field trip with another class.

They do not mark him absent when I have informed them why he will not be present.

I am so sorry for your son. Losing a friend when you are a teenager is very hard.

My son's sixth form college ran a minibus to a funeral of one of their students and took any students who wanted to go. There was a meeting the day before to advise the students on what would actually happen and what they should think about wearing.

Ask your son what he thinks is best and I'm sure the college will be sympathetic if you email them about what he needs to do. His friend's parents won't mind if he has come straight from college or whether he needs the whole day to cope with it. You don't need to explain too much about timings, just say he needs the whole day off / or you'll pick him up at X o'clock, as necessary.

I don't think either side is entirely right or wrong here. But I would be encouraging him to go in in the morning. I guess it would also depend on how close a friend it was, how used he is to going to funerals, and so on.

What has his attendance been like in previous years? Obviously you don't have enough of this year to get a good picture. But if his attendance at school (I appreciate he will have had longish periods of covid closures) was generally above 98% and he just was unlucky at the start of this term, that's a very different picture from someone whose attendance in Year 11 was also below 90%.

OP has updated that he’s doing bricklaying and plastering.

It’s a shame his attendance is so low but if he’s been ill that can’t be helped. If he had a dentist appointment I would say it’d be worth him going to college for 2.5 hours beforehand, but on the day of his friends funeral his head will not be in it so pointless ti send him in.

I was wondering that too. I used to be a teacher and I got no time off for funerals unless it was for close family (of which, luckily, there were none while I was teaching), paid or unpaid, so I had to miss quite a lot. Now I work a more flexible job where it's fine to take time off and make up the hours whenever, but I wouldn't take a whole day off unless it were a long distance (we've unfortunately had one 400 miles and one 300 miles away in the last couple of weeks) or a close relative. I've had two funerals already this month and there's another two scheduled before the end of the month. If I took a whole day off every time I'd be working till all hours to make it up.

I'm not saying this about the lad in the OP, who clearly doesn't go to a lot of funerals, but I do wonder how adults in the workplace would be able to take a full day for every funeral.

Of course a full day is needed. Poor boy. Can I ask? I’m honestly not intending to be offensive - why does he need a bath before he goes?

@Bleachmycloths OP has said he's learning plastering that day and will be covered in plaster

I would speak to a head or deputy head or someone from pastoral. He should not be in position where is has to pick between missing a friend's funeral or going to it and risk being kicked off the course.

Oh sorry, I missed that. X

Out of interest those saying they wouldn't go into work if they were attending a funeral - would your work let you have it off as paid bereavement leave or would you have to take annual leave?
@latetothefisting it's different here in Ireland regarding funerals but depending on your employer and your relationship to the deceased it would be paid bereavement for a close relative and annual or unpaid leave for less close people. Many employers are ok with you popping out to pay your respects and making up time later as well.

When my future FIL passed away, there was no official relationship as I wasn't yet married but I was told to take the week, and I got paid in full, no leave docked. I'm salaried though so maybe that's why. But even in my shitty call center job I got three full paid bereavement days off for my uncle's passing.

Put the form in and they will authorised it

You need to check the attendance criteria for his course. Once it hits a certain level they can withdraw their place.

FFS! Pure scaremongering bollocks intended to cause distress to the poster. Are you normally such a dick or just when you’re online?

No college will withdraw a place from a diligent student who has been absent due to illness.

No college will withdraw a place from a diligent student who has been absent due to illness.

Especially if the absence that pushes them over a threshold is the funeral of a close friend.

Also I’m pretty sure if they did have to remove someone’s place it isn’t just a case of them texting ‘hey you were off on Tuesday so don’t come back ever.’ There would be a plan out in place, talking to tutors or pastoral support etc. It wouldn’t just be a case of them telling somebody with no prior warning that they were off the course.

@PurplePixies did I say they would boot a diligent student for one bout of absence? No. I did not. I said check the attendance threshold because if you drop below they can withdraw. And they can. And do.

@Kanaloa you would think wouldn’t you. Sadly doesn’t always happen. But they have commented on attendance which does indicate concerns.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Bums on seats = money.

College staff are well aware of how these things work and please tell me of one single instance of a college removing a place from a student whose absences were due to a combination of illness and attendance at a funeral.

Well yes I would think. Is it common for a student who misses a day for a funeral (and who has 88% attendance) to be suddenly withdrawn from their course? I’ve never heard of such a thing.

No issue with having the day off if he needs it, I'm sure he's devastated, but why does he need a 30 minute bath in the middle of the day? Have a quick shower or a bath before college surely.

His attendance though is poor, he needs to get it up as in the work place they would be letting him go. Yes we get sick but it's a case of how many days you take, better to go in and have to leave early for instance

Just another thought, nothing to do with funeral or attendance, he should check and see if there's showers at the college, our local one had 2 separate blocks one for the sports area and one by the construction centre, they were free (bring a towel of course) and in recognition that not everyone has good facilities, some students were sofa surfing even. Means he'll save you hot water too