To let DS have the whole day off for friends funeral?

[RappScallion]

DSs friends funeral is on Friday.

They have been friends for 5 years and were close. He died a couple of weeks after being given a terminal diagnosis. Its his second friend to die in the last 6 months and he is understandably devastated although putting on a brave front.

The funeral is at 1:30 at a crem about 30 mins away from us. DS is supposed to be at college in the morning (doing a practical course) and as such will need to be collected and go home for a bath etc before us leaving for the crem. I would need to collect him at 11:30ish (20mins drive home, 30 mins bath, 15 mins food, 30 mins to crem, plus allowance for traffic and not arriving last minute).

DSs attendance is 88% (he had a week off due to flu and then a sickness bug directly after) and so the college have said he should be attending as many lessons as possible although they won't say if le. DS has said he doesn't feel up to that. If he's going into college he'd rather miss the funeral. If I let him have the whole day off I would guess it might be unauthorised.

WIBU to just let him have the day off?

You seem to be very controlling of your "child" who is practically an adult!!!
You wonder if you should LET him have time off and fuss about baths and food.
Time to let him grow up. And yes he should tell his college about the funeral and decide if he will go in or take the day off.

The lack of compassion here is awful.

Let him have the whole day off OP.

My DS’s (now mid 20’s) close friend died in a freak accident when they were both 16. He is a changed person, he would admit this. He was also laughing and full of fun he’s now a serious person who is reluctant to plan for the future as you never know what might happen. He’s had lots of help and support over the years, and he’s articulate happy to discuss how he feels and has a high degree of emotional intelligence and actively sought out help but it’s still been very tough. Don’t underestimate the effect it will have.
Let him have the day off if he wants it.

Seriously shouldn’t even be up
for discussion. What are we teaching our kids about grief if they can’t have 1 day off for a funeral.

I don't think it's up to you to "let" him do anything.
If he's at college he's presumably at least 16 in which case it's up to him to decide how he wants to manage the day - whether that's stay off or go into college for part of a day, or miss the funeral if he doesn't feel he can cope with it - and then for you to say you'll support him in whatever decision he makes.

His absence will be unauthorised but it doesn't matter, your poor son that's alot to cope with
I'd give him the whole day off personally

The bath is presumably because he's studying a messy manual skill which makes him dirty and he'll be coming from a practical session.

I'd let him have the full day but I would keep an eye on the attendance figure, and make sure you know the college's policy on the minimum attendance needed to be eligible for assessment.

He's very young to have lost 2 friends in a 6 month period, keep an eye on him as I can imagine this could really affect him.

Let him take the full day off, he doesn't need to stress of worrying if he'll miss the funeral because he has to take a 30-min (??? 🤔 ) bath after college.

Gosh, of course he should have the whole day off if he wants to. And the college should authorise it. How cruel and unfeeling if they won't. I bet their staff have had days off for funerals. It wouldn't even be in question where I work. Our children are younger but they regularly have day or days off for bereavements. No questions asked. I would definitely support him in this, authorised or not. Sandwich in the car and a wash in the toilets?? - ffs, it's a funeral, not a quick trip out between meetings.

When I was a young teacher, one of my colleagues died. He was like a dad to me and a close friend. We were a close staff and he had a lot of friends at school so it was impossible for us to have the day off. We had to teach till lunchtime then merge classes so those of us who wanted to could rush off to attend after changing in the toilets. It was an awful morning and so hard to get through. And didn't feel like we were properly paying respects by rushing so much. No way should a 16 year old have to do it just because of attendance figures.

Absolutely let him have the whole day. The way you respond to and support him following the death of his friend (and as you say, the second in a few months) is something he will remember forever.
With the right support, he will catch up on college. His course co-ordinator will surely be understanding and compassionate, and help him get caught up.

This deals with the practical bits, but not the emotional situation. I think this works if he was jetting off on holiday, but not when he is attending his friend's funeral.

Yikes. Mixed bag of responses.

Maybe let is the wrong word, but according to the college rules until he is 18 (he's 16 so first year of college) if I don't notify them of the absences they are automatically unauthorised so it is me that needs to notify them.

He is doing a manual course. They have registration and then practical the rest of the day so he will inevitably be coated in mess as he normally is. He has a bath every time he gets in from college due to the dust and stuff being all over him.

I certainly wouldn't be going into work the morning of a friends funeral, but my work wouldn't expect me to. When I rang the college to check the procedure for requesting the day off (school had a form to complete) it was them that flagged his attendance figures and when I asked if going would result in being chucked off the course as he doesn't want that, they said they couldn't make that decision as it was for me as his parent but his attendance is in the concern zone. As a result I asked DS how he felt about going in just for the first hour to try and get one mark out of the 3 for the day, but he said he didn't feel up to it and so will not go to the funeral.

I obviously want him to go to the funeral so I was trying to weigh up was IBU about that given the colleges response.

Yes, full day off sound appropriate.

This attendance thing always shockes me, to me its a UK thing and two weeks off for an illness is nothing to bat an eyelid at in my home country.

Whole day off.

Assuming the bath/wash is because hes studying mechanics / plumbing / carpenterary and will be messy

I wouldn’t give a stuff about attendance figures in this situation - my son would be taking the day off.

Not really mixed responses. The vast majority of comments agree that he should take the day off if he wants to.

Maybe let is the wrong word, but according to the college rules until he is 18 (he's 16 so first year of college) if I don't notify them of the absences they are automatically unauthorised so it is me that needs to notify them.

Yes, if they are under 18 it is a safe guarding issue if they do not attend and the parents/guardians haven't let them know.

Your poor son.
I'd let him do whatever feels right for him and encourage him to prioritise his feelings over school work.

IMO this is unrelated to attendance. He should have the day as he feels he needs the day. This is totally reasonable and understandable.

Seperately and at another time, it is worth a conversation about attendance so that he has to think about how he will improve that % number. If he normally is good about going but has just had a bad run of illness, then it might be as little as accepting that he cannot take time off for anything minor until his % is back up again.

If he has a history of different/random illnesses impacting performance, it might be to look at his lifestyle and see what an be tweaked to reduce the chances of him getting ill or the severity if he does. e.g. I know that if I don't get prioritise regular good nights' sleep then I will get ill so that might be the first thing I would review, if random illnesses were becoming a thing.

Op, I really hope he is OK. A terrible thing to go through at a young age.

Erm at college I'd expect him to be making his own decision on wherever he's going and when. By college age I was responsible for myself my parents didn't have any idea about my timetable (I had 100% attendance, kind of defeats the object of going if you don't). At 17/18 it's entirely up to him. I bet you'll be running the bath for him and warming his towel? His attendance is up to him, it's not up to you, take a step back.

@IveDroppedMiBiscuitInMiBrew helps if you read the thread. He's 16 and college have said they need mum to authorise any absence.

Isn't that just bad luck tbh, if he's had flu and a sickness bug, it's just unfortunate and can't be helped. I don't like the suggestion of looking at what he can do to stop himself getting ill- you'd have to lock yourself down permanently to avoid catching these types of bugs- it's noone's fault if they've caught a sick bug.

We've already had this conversation and that is in part why he is panicking about the day off for the funeral. I had already told him he could have the day off as I consider the funeral more important for his general well being but DS is very much a rule follower / worrier. He loves the course and has a promise of a job when hes completed the 2 years and is worried about messing that up. For him to take the day off knowing the college disapproves it will need to be my decision as he will go in to avoid upsetting them.

He attendance in the last 4 weeks has been 96% (he had a day off the day after his friend died) so hes not missing days all over the shop. It was a block of days together that caused the dip and because its so early in the year has plummeted the numbers down.

This is incorrect. They have to be in full time education (school, college or apprenticeship) till they by law. It is still up the parents/guardians to make sure they attend.