To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

Omg this has opened my eyes. I always have money worries on my mind and talk about not having any money but would never expect anyone to give me any. Omg what if they thought I was hinting to borrow money!? So embarrassing 😳

@nancydroo Don't worry people know the difference between someone venting their worries and hints about borrowing cash.

I bet most people you vent to are in the same boat.

You just have to ensure that if she mentions money you swing the conversation to MSE, CAB, Olio, food banks etc etc etc. If she likes you she will take the hint. If she's only after your cash she'll start asking elsewhere and leave you alone.

Firstly, you are a really lovely friend
Secondly, never lend money that you can’t afford/ are willing to write off

I couldn’t ignore someone who was in need, and am currently “down” a few thousand, but I accepted that when I gave them the money. Some people WILL take advantage of your good nature though.

If she is a good friend, ie someone you like, trust and would help you out when she can, then I’d sit down with her and offer to go through her finances with her. Point her towards a debt repayment company. Ask her how she intends to get out of hole she is in - because borrowing off people, friends, banks is not sustainable long term. She desperately needs a plan to get out of debt, and without putting too fine a point on it, if YOU were to give her more, so she was “clear”, unless she changes something, she will be back in the same place in a years time. She needs proper help, not just what you can give her.

So her financial situation isn't going to improve in the near future yet you thought she could repay this loan of £600 when she is already running up debts on the same income????

I could understand you better if she was going to work more hours in the near future (definitely, not a maybe) or had an inheritance coming, but surely you asked her how she could repay a loan on her current (inadequate) income?

You DID ask didn't you?

I doubt you will get your money back.
if I were you I would be grateful she has stopped contacting me.
you have only been there a few months and You will make some new real friendships soon.
good luck in your new business.

Oh OP, a good way to always stay poor is to give away money you can't really afford. You know the saying, a fool and his money are soon parted - you are not a fool, but very naive. You don't need to buy friendship with money, a real friend will not hold it against you and cut contact just because won't lend her any. If you do want to be generous, there are so many more deserving people you could lend it to.

I would still try to get the money back - just so she knows that her behaviour has cost her YOUR friendship.

So she asked for money for childcare and then turned you down for free childcare in your home?
Never offer that again but that was the first red flag. Anyone desperate to get themselves out of a financial hole would have bitten your arm off. She was always planning on using the cash for something else. My money is on drugs and that she has borrowed from your whole friendship group.

You can wave goodbye to your £500. Please don’t give her anymore.

I can't see you getting that money back, sorry.

You sound like a very kind person, OP, but you're not going to get that money back. Put it down to experience and don't give her anymore.

I did this once with a friend nearly 20 years ago. Unsurprisingly, I've never been repaid. I asked once and was told it would be so difficult right then....and of course, they've never offered since. I've never lent money again - covered someone's drinks if I felt like it, but that's it.

Hi Op @Moneylender

Can I firstly tell you how lovely you and your husband are, it really is a lovely thing that you did. You both sound like myself and my husband 🙈. However, I would say that as previous posters have mentioned I doubt you are getting the £600.00 back. Which is extremely sad, as this person is awful and I really hope that they eventually realise what an amazing friend you could of being to her.

Not everyone is a scammer though. I have an online female friend I met through an online learning course. However, I have never actually met her in person. When we first started talking (I was helping her with a part of her course I had already completed) and I didn't even have her real name. I didn't know this at the time but she later told me a little of her history and I understood why she went under the name she had chosen.
We have been friends since 2012 and regularly Facebook, txt and sometimes speak on the phone, I have lent her money no more than £100 but she has always paid it back and even though she has a tight income she has ALWAYS offered to lend me money a couple days before payday to tide me over. I just want you to know there are people out there that will take advantage but there is also people who are genuine.

Don't stop putting yourself out there, and don't stop been lovely. You we're burnt this time but you will find a person who is worthy of your friendship.
Xx

Do you have any message from her acknowledging that you gave her the £500? Screenshot it. Ask her for the money back now right away. She will refuse. Go to the police and see what you can do to get your money back. It’s a lot of money to lose. Perhaps tell your partner in case he gives her anymore cash or help.

I can't get over this, that you were out drinking and she said she was broke. Why the hell was she on a night out, then?

You're not going to see that money again. I doubt you'll see her again, tbh. She's already cooled off. You've shown her you have plenty to spare and she will have no intention of repaying you.

It would be easier to drop all contact with her than you get £20 back then have her immediately ask to lend her £200.

Wow that`s an awful lot of money and no real friend would take it from you without a set plan to pay it back and a really good reason for borrowing. I would not class her as a friend - all I would have done is maybe buy a food order as she has kids.

You did a kind thing, but you won't be getting that money back any time soon - if ever.

If she only had £30 to her name, it's going to take her a loooooong time to rustle up £500!

The fact she's now gone cold on you, does suggest she had you down as an easy target.

She's not really a friend if she's distancing herself because you're not giving her money. I agree with others - write the £600 off - you're not going to get that back bit do not lend her any more

I'd persist in trying to get the money back, at least some of it. Obviously never loan her money again, and tbh, I'd be done with her altogether after this. She's proven herself to be a taker, and that's unlikely to change.

She's clearly a CF, sorry OP but you've been had. She has no business being on a night out if she can't feed her children! Not sure how much I'd believe from someone who acts like that.

I got myself into the same mess "lending" money to a friend because I felt sorry for them. I didn't have much money myself, but I had more than they had. I never saw the money again and it did ruin our friendship.

The sad fact is that people take advantage of those with kind natures and just keep wanting/ expecting more. There is no gratitude.
I learnt the hard way.

I have lent a friend money in the past. She is a single mum too. She has always paid me back.

Forget about the 500 it’s gone now.

Please don’t give her any more money. You have both been too kind to her, but she probably has no intention of paying you back.

as for the friendship it’s run it’s course!

I lent someone £400 once. Everyone said I would never see it again. But they happily paid me back in installments via standing order @Moneylender .

£500? That's a lot of money to lend to someone you hardly know. And you're hiding the amount from DH, which is not great.
If she pays you back, you'll be very lucky.

This
I feel terrible for you and your DH, but don't get how you just handed her £100, then another £500.
If I was on a night out with a friend who started spinning such tales (especially with hungry children involved!) I would wonder where her priorities lie and whether she's even telling the truth. The most I would have done would be pay her share of the bill and that's generous enough!
You were poor so you feel bad for her, but where has her money really gone?
A lot of people like to live beyond their means, relying on friends and family to constantly bail them out. I'd only give this amount of money to someone I know really well and know exactly what situation they are in and why.