To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

Don't lend her any more money, you honestly shouldn't have done it the first time. You'll never see any of it back so it is the end of your friendship anyway.
My adult daughter "borrows" money and I've always felt obliged to support her, but recently I've been refusing and no longer hear from her unless she wants something.

She’s taking the piss dint give her anymore money.

I don't go out when I'm skint. Do you?

What a kind thing to do, both you and your husband. Definitely don’t give her anymore money, and don’t cut her off completely… pursue that £500 first.
Hold your head high that you’re a good person and did your best to help someone in need (although the night out would have stopped me putting my hand in my pocket)

You’ve lost a friend only if you consider it a friendship that requires you financing it. Better to look elsewhere for friends. And tell her you want your money way back. Unlikely to get it, but she needs to know you are not a good person if you fleece people like this.

A friendly young woman with very young kids took my grandparents for nearly £60k with endless sob stories and lies and manipulations. They didn’t end up prosecuting because of her lovely kids. There are really scummy people out there who see kindness and softness as weakness and take advantage of it. I hope you find nicer friends soon.

Neither a borrow nor lender be.

You have been very generous. I also know how awful it is to worry about money. I would have done the same. Write off the £500. That’s gone. Done. Forgotten. Move on. Concentrate on yourself. Your new business. Your marriage. You will definitely make more friends. You have a kind heart. Just don’t borrow/ give them any money!

There are FREE debt management centres where they will help her budget and set out a plan if repayment which she can keep to. If she is struggling now, I can guarantee that you won't be seeing your money this side of never.
Never ever lend money no matter what to the story or how wealthy you are unless you GIVE it with no expectation of ever getting it back. There will be a million excuses as to why she puts it off but she now knows you're a soft touch. Cut your losses now. Tell her that she needn't pay back the money you lent her but there will be no more money.
You do sympathise but she must look elsewhere to fund her debt as you feel you've done enough.

Stand strong or forever let her make you feel guilty.
Just because you have a bit of money, probably hard earned, it doesn't mean that you owe a@ helping hand to anyone unless it was an EXTREME set of circumstances which hers isn't. She would have received 400 towards her energy bills plus whatever else she's entitled to.
Does she work? Why was she on a night out when she's in debt? Did she wait until you were softened up with drink before mentioning it?
Good luck but mark my words. Let go of what you lent her but tell her that's the end of the line and suggest she gets in touch with CAB (UK) and they'll give her options and advice...but no money.

Sorry to say, it's an expensive way to lose a friendship. In my experience, you lend money and you soon see who were real friends. Never a borrower or lender be is teh old saying.

I used to lend a friend money that was down on his luck, it wasn’t a great deal £20 here £10 there but when it got to £80 I decided I wanted it back because I’d heard he’d been using the money to pay a dealer for weed. I was furious because he’d told me it was for food. He kept making excuses why he couldn’t pay me and then had the cheek to ask for more. I decided enough was enough. I wrote the money off and stopped going over. I was a lot better off then but I could sure do with that wedge back now I’m sat here with no heating…

BTW... don't withold the fact that it was 500 you 'loaned' her. When you start telling lies or letting him think it wasn't so much, you are showing more loyalty to the friend than your DH. That's not a good idea. Guilt about the friend + guilt about not coming clean to your DH means they both are not suffering guilt but you have 2x on your shoulders. Tell him asap. Yes, he'll probably go a bit mad but that's ok. You'll have learned a hard but necessary lesson.

She’s on a night out and she’s asking you for money? Sorry but that’s her own doing. Who goes on nights out when they can’t afford it. She’s a fool and if you feel bad for her in any way, suggest she contacts Step Change. But do not lend any more money.

"Givers have to set limits - because takers rarely do..." - Henry Ford

Definitely not being unreasonable, the last friend I lent money to, never repaid a single penny, just kept "borrowing". Don't fall into the trap!

Never lend more then you can afford To lose

hopefully she will pay it back but sadly have a feeling she won’t

you sound a lovely person @Moneylender and she has taken advantage of your nice nature

She only had £30 but was on a night out 🤔
Op she's either incredibly stupid or full of s*it, I've been in your position and helped a friend out but it just escalated more and more, could guarantee tuesday night a msg asking for £30 til Friday, I knew full well he'd be buying beer and wine for himself and his gf, if I refused I was "letting him down" i had to be firm and say he was,letting himself down and they should manage their money better, 2 years later and he's still paying me back bit by bit.
It's a slippery slope, I'd say you've lost that money BUT if you have messages showing she asked or you saying you'd lend her money and she does decide to stop being your friend, those messages will be sufficient evidence to take her to small claims court, I did the same with a colleague who didn't pay their catalogue debt.
Safe to say I no longer lend money!

I would give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Message her and explain that you're not in a position to help her out with money. But that you are happy to go with her/sit with her while she contacts a money advice service.

There's citizens advice, step change, etc. And have a look which face to face money/debt services are in her area.

Maybe she's taking advantage, maybe she's just stuck and needs some help. But if you want to try and keep the friendship, its worth a try.

Also she can speak to her school and see what support there is with Christmas for the kids - toy appeal. And she could ask for a foodbank referral from Citizens Advice.

She can check she's getting everything she's entitled to.

You are not being unreasonable at all. You will probably never see the money again, as I know from experience! My husband and I “lent”my brother in law and his wife £20,000, as he was in arrears on all his bills and his house was about to be repossessed. We told him in no uncertain terms that it was a loan and it needed to be repaid. It turns out he owed far more than he had owned up to and has now been declared bankrupt. We tried to do the right thing, really to keep a roof over our young nephew’s head, but it has blown up spectacularly in our faces. Tell your friend to go to Citizens advice for help. Why was she even on a night out, if she could not afford it. Be honest with your husband, as you don’t want to cause trouble in your marriage, if your friend becomes vindictive.

I'm really sad to read this as I have been here myself, more than once. She hasn't a clue how to prioritise her children. If she did she would not be going out. Since when was having a social life a priority over feeding, clothing and keeping your kids warm. She's probably spending on herself. Clothes, soft furnishings, alcohol, weed, fake tan, nails. The kids are probably eating tinned food from the food bank and wearing secondhand shoes. I wouldn't cut her off but I would make it clear the Bank is closed.

I have a family member in my life the same. I lent/gave her so much money over the years. There was other support too, not just financial. We’re still friends but pretty much every message I receive from her is a subliminal begging letter. She always says how strapped she is … and I know it’s true but she doesn’t actually help herself. I still see her. I know that if we go out I will be picking up the tab. But I’ve drawn the line at handouts.

Have you got proof you lent it to her?

Id be pointing out £500 is a lot and asking her for a repayment plan if she is in debt how is she going to afford to repay it - you aren’t helping long term

You have been very kind but you can’t do any more in terms of lending money. Money to cover debt is a bottomless pit. I think you can probably say goodbye to your loan if £500. My motto has always been never lend more than you can afford to give - that way you will never be disappointed or left in financial difficulty. If you want the friendship to continue be upfront- tell her you are happy to listen/support her but cannot help financially. You could do small things like invite them for a meal or take around a shepherds pie or similar (saying you made extra). If you don’t want to remain friends then just leave it - it will fizzle out if it’s own accord

Never lend money you can’t afford to give.

Someone once told me to never lend money that you can't afford not to get back and this has happened to me on a couple of occasions... never saw the money again.. definitely don't give her any more!