To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

“to the posters who asked if I’d met her friends, I have - I actually met her through mutual friends. Obviously I won’t be telling them at all, but it would be interesting to know if they’ve lent money too.”

Secrets allow people to get away with bad behaviours. You don’t have to be malicious about it but you should tell your friends because they are also your friends.

It's easy to say don't write it off, but HOW would you make her pay it back?

She can ask for it back but she'll be hit wait a string of excuses.
Op can't exactly take her to court. Op doesn't sound the sort to be friends with the local heavies.

Yes, the OP isn't actually in a position to enforce repayment. The question is how she's going to respond to the situation, not whether she can materially change it.

TBH, I think a bit of fault lies with you OP in your generosity.

When someone has no money and is struggling from week to week a sudden influx of £500 can disappear quickly on much needed things, because necessary purchases can be put off for a while, but when you have the cash, you can meet these needs.

But £500 is a lot for you, even with savings and a partner's income to rely on. Its an much bigger deal for someone in poverty, where the lack of money isnt a temporary blip, but a structural problem.

If it had been - say - £500 to pay for the first month's childcare to enable her to start earning, or £500 to move house to a cheaper rent, where the money would improve her structural situation, it would be reasonable to loan, otherwise your kindness is compounding her problems.

How the fuck did they get so much money out of you! 😮

Surely if the OP has it written in text messages that the money was a loan, then it would be simple enough to claim it back if OP needed to?
I'm not saying that it would necessarily be something to pursue, but I always thought that if it's in writing then it would be hard for a borrower to legally wiggle out of paying it back.

The loan would need to have been acknowledged by the other party. Thanks for the loan.

Sending a text means nothing. Anyone could send anyone a text saying they lent money and need it back.

If the borrower has sent a message saying that they need more time to pay back, isn't that enough for the loan to be acknowledged?

If the borrower has actually acknowledged it then yes, but I'd also assume the CFer hasn't acknowledged the debt in any form of writing.
She's sound like a really good scammer, esp if she got Ops DH, who's done this before I doubt she's daft enough to put anything in writing.

She has no intention of paying the money back and doesn’t see this money as a debt. Otherwise why would she say about ‘just needing a bit more to get out of the red’?

Why would you want to be friends with someone who has 2 young kids and only £30 to last a few weeks, but chooses to go on a night out? Wouldn't you question if that's the sort of person you want to be friends with? I'd think they were insane and run a mile!

@pinkyredrose my DH trusted his DB blindly. It was his inheritance so I felt I couldn't stop him though I did ask him to make checks first which he didn't do. He was told that he would be repaid when they sold their business. He has forgiven his DB. I did get angry and have said that there's to be no more help for either brother. He's agreed but it's not really a choice as there's nothing left to give. Their wives didn't contribute financially ( they work but the money was their own regardless of whether their DH made enough to keep the family). I have nothing to do with BIL or their wives anymore.

DH was an idiot and so was I for not stopping him as I didn't trust it. My main issue is that we kept their secret so they wouldn't feel shame but whilst we were doing that others were losing money.

Consider it a donation and move on.

We are down over 50k due to BIL and SIL
I'd be ready to swing for them

That's horrific! Presumably the brothers had an inheritance too? Your husband should have been registered as having an interest in the company. I guess he's lived and learned.

I'd start telling people, no way should they have been allowed to get away with this.

I'd start telling people, no way should they have been allowed to get away with this
me too, I'd gradually tell more & more people until he was shamed into paying me back. That's why he wants you to keep quiet, plus he'd like to keep some fresh victims available who dont know what he's like so he can feed off them if he needs to....

We had someone in our friendship group who had borrowed money from everyone. No-one said a word, until there was a big falling out and it all came out. Everyone was totally shocked. Now ex friend.

I decided not to keep quiet about it a while back and have vented many times now! It would be its own very long thread which I did consider doing a while back too. Yes both brothers had their own inheritance which they had put into businesses but not making enough to support their family expenses. The first has lost everything. Second still has his business but a lot of debt. We put some of DH's inheritance towards our current home. I had asked for all of it to go towards it as I was worried about us frittering it away. DH wanted to keep some aside which is what we lost. I do still sit and think of all the things it could have done for us.

Sorry op for de-railing your thread there. I wouldn't lend any more money and I wouldn't necessarily keep it secret from mutual friends as you all might be doing the same thing! I know there are many people genuinely struggling and trying to do whatever they can to make ends meet but she does sound like she's taking advantage and as others have said there might be a trail of victims.

IIRC there was another thread recently on here where the op was a mother of someone who kept borrowing from friends and went on holiday but didn't pay her friends back. She was upset that they had put something on social media about her but it was a warning to others.

That money you gave to a stranger user has gone. Write it off and find a nicer friend who will treat you properly.

As I said, “Seems like shes’s done the cooling off herself”

I think you can wave goodbye to your money, she has no intention of paying it back 😢.

You and your husband did something nice and she is obviously the give her an inch and she will take a mile type. I think she reckons she had found an easy mark. She may very well be struggling but instead of being hugely grateful for the money you have given her she is only thinking of getting more.

I had a former colleague who was a difficult person
Myself and this colleague didn’t get on at all so I was surprised when she asked me to lend her fifty pounds. Her words were ‘Lampzade, I know that you don’t like me but I am desperate as I have spent all my wages helping my mother……Can you lend me fifty pounds’?
I thought that if this person asked me for money that she must be really desperate given the fact that we didn’t get on.
So I gave her fifty pounds which she promised to pay back in two weeks.
She did not pay the money back and was later sacked for misconduct.
It was later discovered that she had borrowed money from practically everyone in our department. This was a woman who was on 60k a year
Some people are just shameless

If she asks/hints again then point her to direction of citizens advice who can help her with debt advice etc. lots of people are struggling atm but you’ve your own family to prioritise.

I doubt you’ll get the £500 back sadly.

Saw this great quote once and it really stuck with me: Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.

I had a classmate on course for adults like this...
Always hinting and imho she borrowed £20 of literally everyone on the course within that few montsh.