Those not wanting children, what’s your plan for old age?

[Katelyn88]

before people pounce on me:
I do NOT expect my children to be my carers, but I expect my children to ARRANGE care and keep an eye on the quality of care and finances.

Those not wanting children - who will supervise your care and finances when you are too weak/forgetful ?

It’s a genuine question. My parents both looked after their parents. Granny lived with us until she passed away. Me and my sister live within 5 miles from parents and inlaws live around the corner from BIL. I have no idea how childless people manage.

Find a friend you trust.

I am POA for a friend who is 15 years older than me - no partner, family or children. He is guardian to my DD should anything happen to DH and I before she's an adult/self sufficient.

We have talked about what he wants should he become too incapacitated to give his own wishes so I know in advance.

You seem very angry, OP, at the fact that no one has applauded your incredible foresight in having children and indeed wanting to move/emigrate to where your DC are if necessary.

Anyway, my plan is to move to a cheaper country. Thailand, Malaysia, India. If you really want to know.

I’ve worked on issues around ageing fir about 30 years. I can count on the fingers of one hand the numbers of older ppl who’ve said to me “I want my children to look after me” and yet 92% unpaid care is carried out by a spouse/partner or adult child. The older you get the more likely it is to be the adult child. Generally, as previous posters have said, they’re not providing hands on care but finding out info, arranging it, monitoring it & dealing with problems

it’s great how many ppl have got arrangements in place. Everyone whether they have children or not needs to think about this

There are so many threads right now berating the childfree for their poor choices. Baffled why you care so much if your choices are that great. The lady doth protest too much...

I watched all four of my grandparents, each of whom had at least 3 children, suffer in the final years of their lives. Their children loved them to the end, but each of the four was crippled from strokes, cancer, or dementia in the final years, and were clearly miserable with pain and loss of dignity and mobility. The plan was to care for them at home, but this just wasn’t possible for the cancer and stroke victims, and finally the dementia victim. Their final years were hellish and I will not do that to myself or my family.

So based on the ages when my four grandparents went into decline, I have concluded that 85 is the age I need to book my exit with Dignitas. At that age, each of my grandparents was still lucid and mobile enough to make a decision like this and act on it. I will not wait longer than that because the strokes that two of my grandparents suffered rendered them immobile. So 85 it is.

That is my plan. And my son knows this. He’s a veterinarian, so I like to think he will be understanding about wanting to choose a dignified, humane end for myself when I am old.

Same here.

SIL doesn't have kids but does have nieces and nephews. And she is looking after the affairs of a lady up the road. So you may find a friend or neighbour to help.

Hopefully by the time we're all ready to go, they'll have brought in humane ways to allow us to pass when we're ready. No need to fly abroad to find dignity.

@Katelyn88

I don't feel you are getting attacked because of the question actually

But a combination of the incredibly patronising way you reply to things

Smug, goady and unpleasant to be honest

Not that you have managed to magically hit a nerve with people just that you seem utterly, utterly ghastly

I don't have kids at least in part because of my health issues. I had already decided I didn't want to do that, and that my pretty horrible fairly late miscarriage had in fact been a narrow escape, before I found out that it would be pretty much lethal not to mention passing on dodgy genetics, to reproduce.

So my plan for old age is er, die before I get there? I have a life limiting condition and I am already a good 3 years over the estimate so the chances of me getting to 60+ are vanishingly small.

Insensitive post.

As a childless woman trying to manage the affairs of my frail, elderly mother, it's a question I've found I'm asking myself a lot. When my mum was my age, she was caring for her mother at great cost to herself, and yet she didn't learn from the experience or make plans to avoid herself being in exactly the same situation. She's just let it all roll down a generation - well I won't have that fallback in 30 years time so I will have to plan for it.

PP are right - you don't suddenly wake up old one day and decide now is the time to book yourself into the nearest sheltered accommodation. I will do as much as I can to set up my finances in good order, do some kind of Swedish Death Cleaning, and then I will soldier on and "manage" and hope that some kind of medical episode will finish me off completely, or if I live then it brings me to the attention of the social workers who can contact my appointed attorneys who will find me a nice care home to live out my days.

That is all based on massive assumptions on what kind of society we will have in 30 years time, but worrying about that is even more depressing than this thread.

I hope you live along and happy life.

If you do you will probably have support, as somebody who has worked in Adult Social Care for a long time the vast majority of people (child free and otherwise) have support.

I know I keep repeating this every so often but it really needs saying.

I am a capable adult of making my own plans and arrangements for my old age. I also have friends. Some very close friends who I love and trust like family. And no, not all the same age and therefore also old at the same time. I would also do the same for them if needed.
I find it a bit sad tbh that some people can't imagine having deep and meaningful bonds with anyone who doesn't have a blood obligation to them (but I don't normally go round saying that because its rude and none of my business. I'll only say it if/when they say stupid things like "but who will look after you when you're old"? Which is also rude. I'd like to think I'd raise my hypothetical children not to be so rude...)

I find it a bit sad tbh that some people can't imagine having deep and meaningful bonds with anyone who doesn't have a blood obligation to them

Exactly.

I said this earlier but I have heard religious people (and one particularly annoying religious tutor) maintain that without religion we wouldn't have morals. It always struck me as a reflection of the poor character of the person making the argument.

Likewise with this assumption. What does it day about those people that the only way that somebody could love and care about them is if they create and raise them to do so.

Snap

both my parents had dementia and I don’t want to be like that cos it’s bloody awful

Being someone's friend is a choice.
Being someone's child and feeling obligated to certain things is very different.
Why is having a child look out for you somehow superior to a friend doing it?

and what on earth has that got to do with independence?

😂

TrashyPanda

Most people have no idea they are developing symptoms and by the time they do, they are in no position to arrange anything like this for themselves. Those that know they are dementing have an incredibly narrow window of opportunity to make the decision to apply for assisted dying abroad following diagnosis of early dementia; essentially just when they're forgetting names, places and can't work anymore, but otherwise have a good life. Very very few people want to end their life when it's otherwise still positive. There are a lot of people who seem to think it'll be easy to arrange themselves after going into cognitive decline. It won't be.

I have just done this for my parents. They died earlier this year but I spent the two years precious to that up to my neck in admin and vicarious care duties.
Organising care is a hellish job. Those saying 'I'll get live in carers' - it's not that simple. Carers leave, theyre unsuitable, or need to be managed. You may not be in a condition to do those things. My parents weren't, tho they doggedly insisted they wouldn't go into a home.
I thank goodness I was in hand to help with all the peripheral stuff that having two live in carers entailed. And I hope when I need it my children will step in and help.

You are correct that our system effectively does not work without unpaid advocacy/carers but incorrect to say they have to be children.

Agree with this. My friend and another person recently did their bit for an older friend as they both had EPOA - one for health/welfare, the other for financial affairs. The woman they were helping had a child, she lived overseas and had very little to do with her mother.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, not having children is not a modern thing, so why all this angst now about how people without children will cope.

I am not in UK but I know what a general poa is. I have what is called an ENDURING poa, that only activates on the certification of medical advice, meaning I would be demented/stroke victim etc. and unable to do so myself. It is a legal document that involved a lot of solicitor appointments, signing by all parties, and a certification from my doctor that I was aware what the legal document means, and that I am compos mentos and not co erced. It cost a thousand euro. Well worth it.

I'm not in the UK, or Europe, but that is exactly what a EPOA means here also. It's not rocket science! I had one for both my parents, and at some stage will have to organise one for me.

The first paragraph was totally unnecessary. Second paragraph is irrelevant.

Luckily I’m financially quite comfortable. I can afford to raise my kids comfortably. Don’t need my DC to fund my retirement. And to your disappointment, I don’t need anyones approval -for having my kids! Lol I’m not sure how you got to that conclusion. You seem totally delusional !!

Do you know how much crime and corruption happens in those countries you plan to migrate to? And good luck being alone in old age there!

Oh wow, just because I posted something you didn’t like, you decided to accuse me of all sorts of things!