Those not wanting children, what’s your plan for old age?

[Katelyn88]

before people pounce on me:
I do NOT expect my children to be my carers, but I expect my children to ARRANGE care and keep an eye on the quality of care and finances.

Those not wanting children - who will supervise your care and finances when you are too weak/forgetful ?

It’s a genuine question. My parents both looked after their parents. Granny lived with us until she passed away. Me and my sister live within 5 miles from parents and inlaws live around the corner from BIL. I have no idea how childless people manage.

The reality is that most people on here who plan to off themselves when they are old won't do so because - and I know this will come as a blow to the OP - most older people enjoy a reasonable quality of life and only a minority of them rely on care from their families.

None of us knows what the future holds. I had several childless great-aunts/uncles/cousins (either never had DC or the DC pre-deceased them), who lived into their late 80s independently and died after short illnesses. They were no worse off than their siblings, who did have children.

If you are an older person who needs help, and you have DC willing to help, that's great, but that only applies to a minority. Millions of people manage old age without help from their DC.

We have children. We will be arranging our care, if required, ourselves in good time. Most people know the time is coming but do nothing about it themselves. Not fair to their children, it’s not their responsibility.
If children want to help out, fine but sitting back and expecting them to facilitate your life as you seem to have decided is wrong.

My father has ruined my life and was the main reason my first marriage failed with his constant demands for me to care for him and make him centre of my life. He’s in a care home now
with dementia but even now I am not free, I still have to deal with all the shit as POA.

He too said he would end his life if he ever got ill or infirm. In the end, he simply couldn’t muster the courage so he’s ended up in a terrible state.

My children see the effect it’s all had on me and them and I will never, ever put them though the same.

Or they hire a competent and cheery Lucy Eylesbarrow! I am saving for that.:)

This isn’t actually true. You’re just being incredibly ageist

And me. Who’s going to enforce those legal consequences anyway?

@RunLolaRun102 I am not. I am just surrounded by old people really struggling. And come from a culture where families look after their elderly so have seen lots of old people. Yes, lots of old people can manage for a while but once they need things it is usually someone else who has to do it. My impression in England is actually that people think old folks just somehow pop over to an old home at a convenient time and old age is essentially just visits. Old age is usually miserable, prolonged and often soul destroying for most people involved

But why is this point on a thread about the downsides of being childfree? Do you really think anyone’s adult DC, with their own jobs and families and busy lives, are going to appreciate picking up the phone to mum’s whiny voice saying she’s forgotten which medication to take again, or demanding help with paying the council tax bill again, or asking if they remember how to log into her email account again? All of us should learn from previous generations of elderly relatives who were a pain in the arse because they were technologically inept, and strive to ensure our skills remain current and that we can navigate the world around us.

Thinking that this is something your adult children are going to happily be the fallback for when you allow yourself to become incapable sounds like an example of a sure fire way to ensure those children distance themselves from you as much as possible and think of you as a pointless nuisance, rather than being an example of the importance of having children to help out.

I don't think it's that old people can't use technology. My parents are well into their 70s and know as much as I do. However, they are becoming slower and more nervous of it and will probably, at some point, lose capacity for it, in the same way that they might lose capacity for many other things.

They're going to need some help. Some people will need more than others, some will die before they get to that stage, but we need to acknowledge that we won't all be organising all our own affairs until the end.

@ComtesseDeSpair have a look at the threads about elderly parents. Thats usually what happens. You can say that we should learn or that is shouldnt but it usually does

Or they hire a competent and cheery Lucy Eylesbarrow! I am saving for that

Indeed - double first in Maths optional, but must know how to search a sarcophagus.

Yes. I’ve seen. Their frustrated adult DC are generally at their wits’ end with them and resent their learned helplessness. Is that the relationship you want with your children when they’re older?

That's called selection bias.

Why would anybody make a thread to say-

"I support my parents/aunt/neighbours with a few bits and I don't mind at all".

@ComtesseDeSpair I am now in my 40s - it is certainly not a relationship that I would want but in my experience it is usually what happens. And as I said - I am not British. Do I assume that my kid would arrange my care (even if not do all the personal care themselves) - yes, I do. I expect that I will do that for my parents, we are doing that for the in laws and both my parents and the in laws did it for their parents. Thats the definition of family. I may not like it getting up in the night when my kid is sick but thats my job as a parent, my job as a child is to support my parents. Neither will automatically make me jumping for joy but do I assume that I have some responsibility towards both the younger and older generation - yes, I do

And make syllabub!:) I really hope she didn't marry one of the useless male Crackenthorps and mummy them for the rest of their lives.

I don't understand the anger on this thread really. It's just as much a legitimate question as asking people with chikdren will they expect their kids to care for them or not? I have kids but I didn't have them so they could look after me in old age. You don't think like that anyway when you are young. If anything when I'm old I would prob prefer that I hadn't had them because feeling like I was a burden to them or them seeing me getting sick and the pain it would cause them would be heartbreaking. When my husbands mother died his main concern was that when he died our kids would go through that pain. I know that's life but it still jabs. Personally I want to look after my parents if I can it's the least I can do. But I'm not there yet, and I know I have no idea how hard that will be.

I'll also tell you what happens when you're child free. You get to be the one looking after your parents.

My DParents had 3 kids - DSis who has 2 kids and DBro who has 2 kids. And me, the children one.

DParent can't manage living alone. So they moved in with me and DH. Because DSis 'Oh, I have too much on, with DKids and all - you wouldn't understaaaaand because you don't have kids'. And DBro 'Oh, no, they can't live with us, we've got the kids, no extra space.....'

I should perhaps mention that none of 'the kids' actually live at home, all are NT and their parents see them every six months or so.

I would also add that if DH and I want a holiday or a weekend away, getting the siblings to step up is, well, challenging.

'childfree one' - see, even autocorrect can't compute 'childfree'

In theory, people should be able to have advocates who are not their kids. However, this isnt how the British system is currently designed. It essentially went from women doing most of the burden to this complex, messed up thing called the NHS/social care. Our entire health system is collapsing because we havent figured out how to care for old people. So clearly it's not all as simple as saying 'oh well I'll just thing about it well ahead of time'. I mean if it was so simple, the NHS would function but it doesnt in part because we havent figured out this issue or how best to manage it.

This is absolutely untrue.

This is how it works in practice (and law) not just theory.

You are correct that our system effectively does not work without unpaid advocacy/carers but incorrect to say they have to be children.

Really the best thing you can do is ensure that you have a decent pension so you can afford assistance with your needs. Whether that be care, residential, cleaning, admin etc.
My mum worked in social care and the amount of children who either can't or won't help their parents is vast. They might not have a good relationship or the children live their own lives that prevent any kind of hands on help. Personally I think it's an unfair expectation that children should drop their lives to help their parents - sure easy to pop around to help with the bills if you are down the road, but what if they live in another part of the country or the world? What if the children are going through their own hardships? Or if the children have their own care needs?
Having children isn't some kind of insurance for old age. In fact I would say good financial planning and doing what you can to take care of your healt is much mor important.

I'll also tell you what happens when you're child free. You get to be the one looking after your parents

Very true. The care of my parents fell on me (no biol DC) and my sib whose DC were grown up. DSis with school-age kids opted out completely, even though her DC were in their teens, pretty independent and she only works very, very p-t.

This is also how family is for me too. My parents have passed away so I don’t have the elder care responsibility now. When my mother was unable to make decisions due to sudden illness myself and family had to sort out everything but there was a limit to what we could do easily because we didn’t have power of attorney. We paid for everything ourselves and it was a big cost. We got part back afterwards. We stepped up to the task because that’s what family is for. It was a huge work and my family had to put in more time than me because I was on medical bed rest before giving birth. Hours spent travelling after work with getting back a few hours before starting work and being there plus getting what was needed. They did this without a second thought. I did what I was able to do as well - no doubling thinking it. Once I was ok I was back to the work of helping in person. From what I have read here we did over and above what others would do to help family. I’ve made a plan for my family so that their help, when/if needed will be less complicated for them to do. I respect and value my family and, no matter what, I’m there for them and they are on my side too.

I really hope everyone saying they will plan for their own care truly do, myself included, but I think it's really hard to say what we would do now because we are not in that situation.

My parents are mid 70s, my dad has spent many years helping and advising older relatives on care and finances, yet he has done absolutely no planning regarding himself. I have asked him about this and he says it's because he can't face his own mortality and can't accept that he is getting older. He is the only one left out of his circle of friends already. They've all passed away.
I think any/most people likely will feel the same way that he does, and then at some point a line will be crossed where they suddenly become frail /start with dementia/have a fall/stroke etc and then it is too late.

Agree. Also try to stay fit. My mum works very hard at staying fit, slim and engaged with the world. Tries hard to make friends and keep relationships. It makes life much easier for me.