Those not wanting children, what’s your plan for old age?

[Katelyn88]

before people pounce on me:
I do NOT expect my children to be my carers, but I expect my children to ARRANGE care and keep an eye on the quality of care and finances.

Those not wanting children - who will supervise your care and finances when you are too weak/forgetful ?

It’s a genuine question. My parents both looked after their parents. Granny lived with us until she passed away. Me and my sister live within 5 miles from parents and inlaws live around the corner from BIL. I have no idea how childless people manage.

On that basis this thread may as well be titled “MNers who are single parents of severely autistic children whose kids’ dads are absent and who have little family support and no friends [which seems to describe practically half of MN] what are your plans for your old age / if you have a stroke tomorrow / if you lose your mental capacity.” It seems peculiar to aim it at childfree people when it’s increasingly relevant to everyone, including the many parents who, unlike most childfree people, appear to have no friends and nobody who wants to help them out now, not just in 40 years’ time.

This. 100%.

BTW my mum is in her seventies and knows everything about internet banking and online transactions. She learnt. Not all old people are the same.

You can't make an effective care plan without somebody who cares about you to ensure its properly implemented. You can certainly minimise the workload for them though.

Practical steps I plan to take in the not so distant future (I am early 40s).

Move into a level access property and at the first opportunity to some sort of Extra Care housing.

Ensure that all my finances are as automated as possible.

Make sure my home isn't full of junk.

If I get diagnosed with a degenerative disease make a shortlist of care homes that I would be happy with.

Still this is no guarantee. Care homes can become rubbish. Outgoings and income can change. Etc.

I completely agree and have said, multiple times, that the childfree element is a red herring.

Absolutely. There's plenty of threads on here about that.
'I think my DBro is stealing from our elderly mother'
'My aunt has POA and she sold DGrandmother's house and is now living in a condo in the South of France '
Carers may steal but just imagine the devastation of your own children stealing from you.

I’ve done this with a solicitor to ensure right now that my family know what to do and can also take decisions for me if I am unable to do so. I have it noted that they can go on medical advice and also their own opinions. They can access the means to pay for things I might need so that they are not out of pocket. It did cost to get this document done but I got advice and covered all angles. It’s for now and will continue. I want my family to be involved in my care so I discussed it with them. Have this discussion with your family. When I am unable to sort things out I’ve made it possible for this to happen in away that lets them be in control as much as they want. They can hand over care to the medical professionals if they prefer and not be paying themselves for my needs. Their time too is important. I don’t expect them to be bed bathing me , toileting, dealing with dementia if I get this. I would want them to arrange what suits them best. I hope that they can visit me, that we can have meals together and laughs.

Yep, my friend was 95 when she passed & she's been using the Internet to sort her life for years.

The subject isn’t having an accident when young. It was preparing for elder years without having children to look after you/organise you. It’s not the same. We can absolutely plan for the future of being elderly if we should get there.

No one can plan for an accident or the unexpected childfree or parents. But I could plan for funerals, research fare, maybe buy somewhere residential with care support in preparation.

But yes I have plenty of friends and a big family of relatives and a supportive partner currently that would help (and vice versa) in the event of me needing help right now. I don’t need children to do that now or elderly.

@Katelyn88

What an unpleasant post for the infertile as if things were not shit enough as it is
Unpleasantly smug and I can genuinely not think of no reason why anyone needs to know this, it doesn't have any relevance to you so why have you posted ? Other than to smugly gloat when you see the replies

Might as well just book a trip to Switzerland now

I plan to become a witch and sell other selfish childfree people poisonous plants from my garden.

Parents can't have them, because they have their famalam to look after them.

I mean… you did. You said you expect your children to arrange your care then started a whole thread demanding what on earth ‘childless’ people are planning to do, arguing with anyone who doesn’t say ‘I’m just going to die alone and in agony as a burden to the state.’ That implies that you believe that the right thing to do is what you’ve done - have children to arrange it for you.

I guess you could ask similar questions to get your answer yourself. What will you do if your children grow up and go away to teach in Dubai? Or marry someone from another country and relocate there? It go no contact with you? Or turn out to be incapable of arranging your care for you? Or are selfish and just don’t want to? Whatever you’d do in that situation is what childfree people will do.

On the basis that a) like most people of my generation, I anticipate I’ll be working into my 60s and using all kinds of relevant latest technology to do and b) my out of work life also involves using technology to stay relevant and this will continue into my older age; no, I’m not especially worried that upon retirement I’ll suddenly lose the power of being able to access my online banking. Yes, this was a problem for older generations of women who weren’t in the workplace or didn’t do the sorts of jobs which kept their tech skills relevant. It shouldn’t be a problem now and I’m faintly horrified that there are still women out there in 2022 who are imagining themselves as doddery old women who are going to need their children’s constant help to do simply things like pay bills. What a selfish attitude. Empower yourself and make sure you’re never that kind of burden on those around you.

I do not expect my children who are now adults to do anything. One of my children will probably emigrate and I don’t want to burden the other one. I think it’s unlikely either will have children, so I won’t be needed for the grandparent role.

I intend to work as long as I can and after that possibly assisted suicide. I have already joined Dignitas. I haven’t told anyone about this not even DH.

My mum is pushing 90 but is a vile human being who spreads misery wherever she goes. She lives completely independently but I would not help her any more than I had to. I stayed with her after she injured herself a couple of years ago and would not do so again. She can pay people or rely on the NHS in future.

My MIL also makes my SIL’s life hell.

It's absolutely the same. The only difference is that it becomes more likely to the point of almost inevitable that you require some sort of support.

Many older people requiring support (be it long or short term) come into services via unplanned hospital admission.

Again, this isn't a childfree thing. Like you say people without children also have support networks they rely on.

My aim is not to dispell the idea that without children you will have no support as that is absolutely untrue.

My aim is to challenge the idea that it is possible to have an effective plan for disability or injury (becaue that is what we are talking about) that doesn't require an unpaid carer or advocate.

I have kids but plan to have my affairs in order so they don't need to look after me. I hope they will want to spend with me though.

Lots of children can't or won't help elderly parents.

And I agree this is a pretty shitty and smug thread.

I intend to work as long as I can and after that possibly assisted suicide. I have already joined Dignitas. I haven’t told anyone about this not even DH

And if somebody has secretly joined dignitas then immediately gets into a accident or has a stroke and is left with a high level of support needs.... then what?

This plan everybody seems to have of offing themselves at the first available opportunity is very poorly thought out.

Sheltered accomodation until I have some kind of life ending accident which will, no doubt, be horrible but will also be the price I pay for remaining in my own home as long as possible.

Or maybe I'll rob a bank, give the money to the local dog shelter and then end my days in prison. It'll also be horrid I suppose - but I shan't have to worry about the bills.

Yes true. Also in many countries old people have no choice but to work and use whatever system is required to do their banking. If my 85 yo uncle in India who has the reading level of a 9 yo can use online banking to manage his accounts in English then someone in the UK shouldn’t have a problem. The reason why they do here is more about financial literacy than tech illiteracy.

I think you need someone... doesn't have to be your child necessarily but someone is needed to oversee what's happening to you.

That sounds amazing. Do you want an accomplice?

Yes! We can be a band of robbers for the day. Perhaps we shall even be sent to the same prison where we can start an oldies gossip group.

@ComtesseDeSpair my example of new technology was to demonstrate that most of the time old people do find it hard to keep up with the world. Every generation complains about how old people cant keep up with new things - it used to be teletext, then online, we have no idea what it will be in 40 years time. However, I guarantee that in 40 years time all the young people will be complaining about their old people not being able to manage. My parents used to complain about my grandmother not managing the phone back in the early 90s, we are complaining about the internet. Who knows what it will be.

Generally old people also find it hard to keep track of processes. Things that young people dont even think about. However, keeping track of multiple referrals and different medications is something that most young people can do and most old people really really struggle with.

Both physical and cognitive mobility gets impaired when you age. People mostly dont go from fit and healthy to decrepit. It's often gradual and subtle.