Those not wanting children, what’s your plan for old age?

[Katelyn88]

before people pounce on me:
I do NOT expect my children to be my carers, but I expect my children to ARRANGE care and keep an eye on the quality of care and finances.

Those not wanting children - who will supervise your care and finances when you are too weak/forgetful ?

It’s a genuine question. My parents both looked after their parents. Granny lived with us until she passed away. Me and my sister live within 5 miles from parents and inlaws live around the corner from BIL. I have no idea how childless people manage.

@Katelyn88 your children may decide they don't want to help you. You can't force them to. Many many people don't speak to their parents or have no relationship with them. I really wouldn't be so smug.

I agree with you and the poster you are quoting. I think people are niave about the reality of old age.

As I said on my post above this is my line of work. When we come across older people who are in a bit of a mess we speak their family/friends in the first instance and ask them to get involved. In the vast majority of cases they do (I cant remember somebody saying no outright initially). Even if their relative is saying they don't want them involved they do.

I hope to have the courage of two of my grandparents who knew that they could no longer live alone, stopped medication and also didn’t let on when they felt another stroke/heart attack coming on.

grandad swore blind he’d never go in a home. He had an exit plan, he knew he wouldn’t make it to Xmas kept telling us as such. Bless him such a courageous man.

grandmother had a stroke and was in hospital and told the staff she didn’t want any medication and passed a couple of months later.

I worry about losing my marbles first so I won’t be able to make that decision. But if I am that far gone I suppose it won’t matter where I am so long as my kids feel they’re doing the right thing for themselves.

What a fucking disgusting sentiment. Implying people who want to continue to live with a disability are weak or cowardly.

Utterly vile. People with disabilities lives are just as meaningful and worthwhile as anybody elses

What a fucking disgusting sentiment. Implying people who want to continue to live with a disability are weak or cowardly.

She's talking about advanced old age, not a disability.

Unless you develop dementia, IMO it’s up to adults to sort out their own care, and should make sure there are both powers of attorney (Finances and Health and Welfare) in place, in case for whatever reason they’re unable to.

Unfortunately some old people do become very selfish/self centred, so whatever their ideas earlier, they still expect adult children to run around after them. And/or, even if they can well afford it, they become too miserly to shell out for carers, or they don’t want strangers in the house. And/or they still insist that they can manage everything, when it’s obvious that they can’t.

Can you tell I’m speaking from experience here? 🙁

What?! You have completely misread that post

What exactly are you after OP? Numerous people have replied and you've ignored or shot them down.

I don't know - and it scares me. I also expect I'll be lonely in old age because I'm not great at making friends and that scares me too. But neither compel me to have children in the hope they will magically resolve those problems for me, and at approaching 40 I'm running out of time to "change my mind" or "meet the right person" (plus my DH might be a bit put out if I did).

So yes, thanks, already worried about these things along with hundreds of other things, but thanks for reminding me.

Why can’t you sort your own care out? I have children and I plan to make my own arrangements,

I'm guessing you and others saying similar have no experience of dementia or a relative who went into rapid decline?

My neighbour has never married or had children, is almost 80, incredibly independent and very fit and healthy, but was recently hospitalised for an operation with quite a long recovery time. She’s had friends come to stay and help her, all of whom seem to care very deeply for her, some who have children of their own and some who don’t (I’ve chatted to most of them over the fence to find out how she’s doing). Family comes in different forms.

Please explain the difference.

Diagnosed with a degenerative disease in your 30s.

A serious life changing accident in your 20s.

Born with a significant disability.

How is any of that different? People of all ages can present with a high level of need and older people can need no support even in their 90s.

We are not talking about old age. We are talking about disability. It just happens to be (much) more common in old age.

Unless you develop dementia, IMO it’s up to adults to sort out their own care, and should make sure there are both powers of attorney (Finances and Health and Welfare) in place, in case for whatever reason they’re unable to

What an inane post. This is what most people do.

Sorry but it’s very naive to assume your children will do anything. You can’t rely on any one in this world - sort yourself out for the future

Most do. In my many years of working in adult social care the vast majority of people have support from family. The level of support varies from moving in with the person to sorting out finances and paperwork but it's rare we have somebody with no support at all even if they have no blood relatives.

People in the real world are generally more caring and compassionate than the general consensus on mumsnet would have you believe.

OP messed up by couching it in terms of people without children, but I think it's a really big issue for anyone with children too, if you don't want them to be giving a large part of their lives to it, should you become dependent.

Yes, of course you can make things easier by making your wishes clear and having financial arrangements in place, but having been through it with DH and DGM and even with both of them being very assute and financially secure, I really don't know what would have happened to them if they didn't have family advocates.

And that scares me because I can't see an answer. Who's going to make sure your wishes happen for a start? A solicitor can make the financial arrangements but who deals with the hospital/carers?

I asked for practical advice. Not from people sitting in the clouds thinking old age and associated problems are a choice! I shot down people who said stupid stuff like “I don’t want to depend on anyone, I’ll die if I get too old, I’ll take the next flight to Switzerland” and other bullshit.

Well I would be so much richer...

What a ridiculous question! Just because someone doesn't have children doesn't mean they don't have siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins, friends etc. You can have a support network without children.

thats why I came here to ask! What should my PRACTICAL plan B look like?

Burying head in sand and pretending I’ll be in full control forever is bullshit plan.

Realistically, if you have no relationships with anybody younger than you and never develop any, your hope is that that you have a relationship with a peer more able than you.

Failing that hope you get a good social worker.

Yep, a lot of this is hope based.

This notion of having offspring to ensure that you're cared for in your old age always puzzles me, since I've seen far more examples of worn out elderly parents having to still finance adult children AND grandchildren. And the adult children are just waiting around for their parents to die so they can grab whatever inheritance might be coming to them. These kids have no interest or intention of caring for their parents, rather they are constantly hitting the parents up for money and free childcare.

I am very glad I dodged that bullet. Sadly many of my peers have not and will essentially be caring for children and grandchildren for the rest of their lives.

If that was your real intention you would have said " What should I do to plan for old age ? rather than shitting on the child free.

So the plan to avoid being a burden on your children is to find some friend you can be a burden on?

I shot down people who said stupid stuff like “I don’t want to depend on anyone, I’ll die if I get too old, I’ll take the next flight to Switzerland” and other bullshit.

I answered you in good faith and its apparently stupid bullshit?
I'm out.

How do you arrange a "good" social worker before you need one? Genuine question, if it's possible I'd love to do it, but IME it's hard enough to get one for relatives who do need it.