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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married after 8 years and 2 kiddies

112 replies

twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:14

i think i deserve a wedding and i really want to get married to him and have the same name as my children dp says we cant afford it

OP posts:
seeker · 30/01/2008 22:03

Why do your children not have your name?

yelnats · 30/01/2008 22:04

oh and Im also 24 too!!

Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 22:04

ronshar im only 24

OP posts:
yelnats · 30/01/2008 22:04

I assume like me they have dp's name.

chankins · 30/01/2008 22:05

I guess we all have different opinions of a lovely day - we had registry office, which was lovely as the building is very old, beuatiful room, gardens for photos etc, but we picked cheapest car, cheapest photos, friend videod it, sister did my make up, other sister did bridesmaids hair, small local hall for reception and they did the buffet which went down a treat. Made our own cd for the music; we asked on the invites for all guests to write down their 3 fave songs, and compiled it from that. Hired a clown to entertain kids and did party bags for them. In comparison, my brother married a fwe months before and it was a v posh, upmarket affair, with beautiful church, sit down meal in huge rambling country hotel, followed by disco and outside bbq at same hotel. They spend thousands on photos alone ! But they earn a lot more than us, so fair do's, it was what they could afford. But I would not say that our cheapy day was any less special then their posh one. I had several people in tears when I did my speech !

ronshar · 30/01/2008 22:08

Sorry Twospecialgirls.
I have just looked at your profile. Beautiful babies.
I assume everyone is old like me (33).

sherbydrivinginhercar · 30/01/2008 22:08

I don't think you do always need to be married. Most of the time when I see people wanting to get married it is about the 'wedding' not the being married part.

I changed my name by Deed Poll to my partners surname so we all have the same name.

We have wills drawn up which state very clearly what would happen if one of us/both of us dies.

We have joint life insurance and our money has always just been one big pot, no my money your money.

We don't particularly want or need to be married we are happy as we are. I like living with my lover

BTW we have been together for 10 years and have 2 DC.

Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 22:09

yeah they have their dads name it wasnt even an option to have mine

OP posts:
newyorkdolls · 30/01/2008 22:09

We have been together for 18 years and engaged for 17 of those have two kids and I gave up wanting to get married years ago. Still narks me though.

seeker · 30/01/2008 22:12

Why wasn't it an option for he children to have either your name or both names?

mazzystar · 30/01/2008 22:15

It will be a lovely day because it will be your wedding , not becaue how much you spend on it. I am afraid to say I just don't find those big weddings terribly - well - romantic somehow.

If you had family and friends to ceremony then buffet in fab pub or village hall you could do it for way under 5k. Way under. Be the hosts rather than the guests. And it would be much nicer and more memorable than a more expensive identikit wedding.

yelnats · 30/01/2008 22:21

Just wanted to add my aunt and uncle have been together since they were teenagers - they are now 45 and 46 and have a ds (my 19 year old cousin) and got engaged last week!! They are getting married in September!!

MY lovely aunty cries every time they mention it!!

nortynamechanger · 30/01/2008 22:26

We were 17 years and 1 DD, I told him if he didn't hurry up and marry me someone else would come along and sweep me off my feet and then he'd be sorry!

Also we both wanted more children, I'm an old fashioned gal (despite appearances) so we got married.

We had a smallish budget but got married in church with DD as our bridesmaid.

dolally · 30/01/2008 22:27

If you think its only the money holding him back then start now!!

Give yourself a budget of say £500 ( a tenth of what you were hoping to spend!!) start a thread looking for ideas and make a proposal to him (leap year this year!). Give him a detailed account of what the whole thing would cost.

As everyone says you could get yourself a romantic, memorable, happy day without spending a fortune.

Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 22:34

yelnats awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww thats lovely congrats to them that will be me haha

seeker - each to their own but i love him and they are his children and i believe they should have his name there was no conversation about it we didnt need to say anything thats just how it was going to be x and i wouldnt double barrel as i dont like it and we bothe have huuuuuge surnames any how so would be dumb

OP posts:
Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 22:35

ok well i think im gonna start saving and when i get him to book a day with me i will be posting another thread for all you money saving ideas iydm

OP posts:
Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 22:36

newyorkdolls you should ask him this year as dolally said its a leapyear

OP posts:
Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 22:38

yelnats just looked at ur profile looked at pics and expected to see lovely girlies instead i saw a pram lmao xx very nice it was !

OP posts:
seeker · 30/01/2008 22:41

You don't need to be married. I f you have children born after 2003, the if the father is named on the birth certificate, he has parental rights automatically. Before that, he doesn't, but filling in a simple form will give him those rights. Making wills will protect you both and the children should one of you die. Sorted.

Oh, and it is perfectly possible for children to have either their father's or their mother's name - or both. Or a completely new name you have made up. My brother has friends called Beechsquirrel. It is a matter of choice.

I know all this. I have been very happily unmarried (my choice) for 26 years (beat that). I have my name, he has his, and the children are hyphenated. Is not, and never has been a problem.

seeker · 30/01/2008 22:42

Forgot to point out that dp and I have been together for longer than the op has been alive. So maybe I know a bit what I'm talking about!

newyorkdolls · 30/01/2008 22:48

I asked him on the last leap year, he nearly carked it. His parents divorced when he was 21 and neither he nor his sister have ever marred (she has been with her fella for 20 years) When I am on here I mostly say dh. So I think of us as married, but ... when dd (our oldest) was born he peed me off on the dy we registered her, so she has my surname, then when ds was born (prem at 27 weeks) we gave him dp's surname in case ds died (distinct possibilty at the time). Then we decided that dd should go by her dads name, and if I'm honest the only reason I would marry him now is so that dd can have his surname with out having to have her name changed by deed poll.

seeker · 30/01/2008 23:15

Sorry to go on - but WHY do you want dd to have his last name?

newyorkdolls · 31/01/2008 01:01

Sorry I have been watching iplayer.
Seeker if you are still interested. Here goes.
Because when ds was born he took dp's surname (as I said before, because at that point ds was likely to die), and dd as I also said before has my surname, so atm I have two kids by the same man with two different 'official' surnames.
Dd was pissed off, when she realised ds was S and she was Q so she started calling herself S (ifswim) personally the marriage thing doesn't bother me, but dd wants to be S officially, and why should she have to change her name by deed poll, when if we did get married her birth certificate can be changed so easily. She resents that she didn't get dp's name to start with. Corr, that was convoluted I hope it easier to read.

newyorkdolls · 31/01/2008 01:04

Oh, and if she was to change her name by deed poll, all records would state that she was previously known as Q, where as if we got married, she would have her Q birth certificate destroyed and in the future no one need never have to no.
Not even the police or any CRB check. There is only one proviso it must be done before she is 16. She is 13.5 now.

seeker · 31/01/2008 06:00

Thank you for taking the trouble to explain - I still don't really understand - but that's me, not you! Our family of 4 has 3 different last names, and it's never been an issue for us - I'm interested in other people's experience.

Didn't know that about birth certificates - wow, that's going to make life difficult for family historians in the future, isn't it!

Can I be really cheeky. I'm not sure it's a good idea to marry anyone for any reason except that you want to be married to that person FOR YOU! It won't do your daughter children any harm to have different last names -it might do you harm to marry someone you "only want to marry" so that your dd can have his name. Particularly when she can use it anyway.

I'll go away now, taking my unwanted advice with me.