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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married after 8 years and 2 kiddies

112 replies

twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:14

i think i deserve a wedding and i really want to get married to him and have the same name as my children dp says we cant afford it

OP posts:
newyorkdolls · 31/01/2008 10:10

Seeker,
I thought about what you have said and I suppose there is a small part of me that wants to get married and DD is my excuse. Atm I am on a diet, I think if I loose the weight I want too, I might push the issue. I don't know. We will see.

pukkapatch · 31/01/2008 10:17

i think you should have got married before you had the hcildren.
the name is not important
the wedding is not important
the important bit is the little bit of legales paper that states you are legally known as his partner.

newyorkdolls · 31/01/2008 10:24

Pukka, well I am glad that you feel that way. In the last 20 years attitudes have changed. We might not fit in with the ideals for a partnership that you have, but we have been in a relationship with each other since were 17. So, quite a while now.

bubblagirl · 31/01/2008 10:29

i hear all the time one day we will but at every mention of marraige he turns it into an argument so he doesnt have to talk about it lol

if i so much as mention running away to get married i think he'll need resuss

now i dont want to get married its put me off i feel if two people want to marry it shouldnt be this much hard work

i would love the same name as my ds but i also know we have a commitment and we love each other marraige wouldnt change it

did use the whole if anything happened to you we would be left with nothing as legally blah blah blah he said i'll draw up a will

not a man who appears to want to marry me he's afraid but either way he says he'll spend the rest of his life with me

oh and this is the man that asked me every day for 6 months to marry him what a joke that is what upsets me the most was it lust wanting him to marry me now were in the real world doesnt sound so exciting

still as i say i dont want to marry now anyway it sput me off it should be effortless and you shouldnt have to feel you forced the other to marry you

i completely understand

pukkapatch · 31/01/2008 19:02

no one would ever agree to buy a house without a legal contract, yet it surprises me how many people agree to such important decisions without legal contracts.
most people dont accept jobs without legal contracts, so why partnerships? very strange.

glitterkitty · 31/01/2008 20:07

Are we in the 1950's?

varicoseveined · 31/01/2008 21:26

I agree with pukkapatch. Society's views may be changing on marriage, but is it a change for the better?

And I don't get how marriage is seen by some as too much of a commitment but then don't think it strange to have children with someone - surely having children has longer term ramifications?

seeker · 31/01/2008 21:27

No need for marriage. All fathers named on a birth certificate since 2003 have automatic parental responsibility (before that it takes a simple legal declaration) and properly written wills take care of everything else. job done.

MsHighwater · 31/01/2008 21:52

I'm with pukkapatch here. In Scotland, a father only has parental rights automatically if the child's birth was registered on or after 4th May 2006. Before that, if the parent's remain unmarried then the father can only acquire parental rights either by court order or by a legal agreement with the mother.

I'm not a prude but I am in no doubt that children are better off if their parents are married to one another. It means (or should) that you have already decided that you want to be with your partner "till death you do part". To be married means that you have entered into a legally binding agreement that you cannot get out of thoughtlessly. It does not guarantee a stable future for the child(ren) by any means but I think the odds are better that way.

As others have said before me, the only reason to get married is to be married, not to have a wedding. That said, assuming that is the case it is not unreasonable to want the wedding day to be special in some way. It does not, of course, need to cost a fortune. I think there is another thread about just how to do this going on here.

MsHighwater · 31/01/2008 21:53

Eek!. That should, of course, have read "parents" not "parent's" .

snottyshoulders · 31/01/2008 21:55

Just getting married in July 08 after 7 and half years and two kiddies, can't afford it, but I told dp we were just going to do it, as we've had a lot of illness in relatives recently and need to get together for a celebration and lovely wedding. Doing a real cheappie, I'm organising it all, if I'd waited for dp to say lets go for it, I'd be waiting forever!!

seeker · 31/01/2008 22:03

I have been unmarried to my dp since 1982. We have outlived all, and I mean all, our friends' marriages. In some cases we have outlived two marriages and in one case, three. Remind me which relationship offers children more stability?

MsHighwater · 31/01/2008 23:30

seeker, I think I was clear that I did not intend to suggest that all unmarried relationships are unstable or all married ones stable.

I do maintain that if a couple is willing to be married to one another, it bodes better for the stability of their relationship than if they are not. No amount of stories of divorces or of secure long-term non-married relationships will alter my view.

If you can produce the statistics to back up what you imply then I might review my position on it.

seeker · 01/02/2008 06:30

I have no statistics, of course. And of course I am not saying that unmarried relationships are more stable than married ones. But I do question the assumption - overt or covert - that marriage is by definition the more stable relationship. And the assumption that people who choose not to marry are somehow less committed to their relationship. Some are, of course - but equally some people get married for the frock and the party.....!

Cappuccino · 01/02/2008 07:01

£5000?

I got married for £1k; I know people who have done it for a lot less

do you want to get married, for financial and legal security for you and your children in case the worst happens?

or do you just want a party?

Cappuccino · 01/02/2008 07:07

and glitterkitty pukka is right

marriage is a legal protection, it does not belong in teh 1950s

I don't know if you read Yorkiegirl's threads after her husband sadly died, urging people who had not already done so to tie the knot

if your dh dies you get widowed parent's allowance from the government. You don't if he is your dp. There are various other legal aspects to being married which make it just common sense

if you have children it is only sensible to make provision for the future in this way. It seems to me irresponsible to dismiss marriage as just apiece of paper when you have children

seeker · 01/02/2008 09:18

I agree - I would not get a widows allowance. But - correct me if I'm wrong - I don't think there are any other legal issues so long as parental responsibility is established and proper wills made.

TheHonEnid · 01/02/2008 09:19

we got married after 10 years and 2 kids!

was a lovely lovely day and the marriage part (in church) was the best part of it

Cappuccino · 01/02/2008 09:46

if your children went into hospital seeker your dp would have no say over their care

Cappuccino · 01/02/2008 09:48

read Yorkiegirl on this thread

seeker · 01/02/2008 09:48

Yes he would - he has parental responsibility.

Cappuccino · 01/02/2008 09:49

you haven't had time to read the thread I'll warrant

seeker · 01/02/2008 09:57

I posted my parental reponsibility answer before I saw the link to Yorkiegirl's thread - which I have now read. I may be wrong - but apart from the widows allowance - I really do think that the problems occur for unmarried couples who don't have proper wills, or who don't have both names on mortgage documents.

motherinferior · 01/02/2008 09:59

WRT OP: no, you're not unreasonable for wanting to - but neither is he unreasonable for not wanting to. I personally am somewhat evading the issue of taking up Mr Inferior's very kindly offer of marriage.

Widowed parents' allowance might swing it, but frankly that's about it.

seeker · 01/02/2008 10:01

Whew - another old fashioned feminist on the thread!