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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married after 8 years and 2 kiddies

112 replies

twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:14

i think i deserve a wedding and i really want to get married to him and have the same name as my children dp says we cant afford it

OP posts:
glitterkitty · 30/01/2008 21:23

You have my dp. Much sympathy. I dont think YABU but if theres a way of persuading a man to marry when he's not inclined I havent found it.

Ledodgy · 30/01/2008 21:26

Another one here 12 years in March and 3 children later...

Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:27

we have been engaged for 2 1/2 years i always hear one day we will !!
i think we are in the same boat glitterkitty

OP posts:
Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:27

12 years oooooooooooo ledodgy dont say that i dont think i could go on another 4 years hahaha

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DrNortherner · 30/01/2008 21:28

YANBU

weddings do not have to be expensive

HonoriaGlossop · 30/01/2008 21:32

Sit him down and tell him that you want a date. If you want to be married to the father of your children and to have the same name as your own children, that is a PERFECTLY reasonable thing to want.

If you just want the marriage without a big hoo ha wedding then you can explain to him it can be done for a couple of hundred quid.

I must be a fishwife but I just wouldn't stand for it, it would be major for me if I wanted this and he didn't....have you ever had a chat with him about marriage and how he sees it? Does he have what you would see as genuine reasons for making a choice to be partners instead? Is marriage something not particularly role modelled or valued in his family? i know it can be hard for people to see the point if they have only ever seen splits and divorces. Because of course marriage is no guarantee. But if you want it you certainly have the right to pursue this with him!

Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:32

i want about £5000 that would pay for everything i want not to much i dont think compared with most weddings my friends just cost £24,000

OP posts:
Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:33

HG he does want to and he is quite happy to butb just says we cant afford it !!

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HonoriaGlossop · 30/01/2008 21:42

But then it's PARTLY your decision too, twospecialgirls....if he wants to, and says he's happy to.....it doesn't have to cost anywhere near £5k if it's just about what you said it was about in the OP.

chankins · 30/01/2008 21:46

Ours cost £2000 max and I wouldn't have spent a penny more had we had it ! Waited 11 years and 2 dc plus one just baking in the oven when we finally tied the knot. I wanted to do it before I turned 30, not sure why really ! Also wanted same sir name as the dc, and a fun memorable day for them and te heaps of nieces/nephews/friends kids who were all invited ! My dh said we couldn't afford it, but I just started organising little bits here and there, getting bargains and favours, and said look, yes we can !

Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:48

i know what you mean but i just want it to be nice and our reg office is really dingy and it would be rubbish and i want to enjoy the day also and i would like friends and family to share it with us and it is soooo expensive for a party round here i couldnt believe it when i looked into it also my only main want is a photographer as i would love pictures to look back on as i think it would go so fats you would miss most of it !
but yes you are right if i was to do it down the reg office and have no meal after we could do it for 200 and soon but would i feel i missed out !!!

OP posts:
ronshar · 30/01/2008 21:48

I was 8 years & two DDs later. So I know how you feel.
Do you want a big do or just to get married?

You could have winter wedding, dresses all in sale! Venues all cheaper on Friday. Only have two Dc as attendants. Only you have flowers. Hey presto! A very special wedding for not a lot of cash.

Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:49

chankins thats a great idea i might just start buying stuff untill i have all i need and he wouldnt even notice the missing money then haha

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mazzystar · 30/01/2008 21:50

at the risk of sounding grumpy...
a wedding and a marriage are different things
you are not being unreasonable to want to be married to the man you love and father of your children
you are, if you want a wedding that you can't afford
and honestly, the nicest weddings are usually the cheapest, home-made ones

ronshar · 30/01/2008 21:52

How about an evening do? Find somewhere local that is licenced. You dont need to have sit down dinner. In fact buffet style is all the rage again.
Or you could find a lovely reg office. You do not have to use your local one.

mummyincharge · 30/01/2008 21:52

Hi hold in there, i have been with DP for 15 years we have 3 kids, and are finally getting married in june, its very low key with only immediate family, but it is happening. just be patient he will come round.

HonoriaGlossop · 30/01/2008 21:53

I just think you should stop blaming him when it's actually more you it seems stopping this marriage

Do you have £5k?

If not then he's right and you can't afford it

Sorry, I am not your DP in disguise, honest.

FWIW I did a really cheap job at the local register office then just had a big ole knees up in the function room of a local pub (free to use). It was lovely. I think you just need to decide what your priorities are; mine was a lovely wedding ring (wiv diamonds) as I knew I would be seeing that every day of my life (well, during THIS marriage) The rest wasn't so important to me....and I don't feel I missed out. Just think, all you're missing out on by not spending oodles of money, is having a wedding that is just the same as every other wedding you've ever been to.

i think a cheap day can still be magical....and after all, is the party and the dress really more important than what you said you wanted in the OP?

varicoseveined · 30/01/2008 21:55

I agree with mazzystar

The marriage is far more important than the wedding...

dolally · 30/01/2008 21:55

yanbu, twospecialgirls.

my friend has just got hers up the aisle after 8 years 2 kiddies etc... I don't exactly know how she did it.

Can you find some practical advantages to being married, that would help tip the balance, like financial advantages, tax benefits? Not sure if there are any but I think I read somewhere that an unmarried man could have problems in the event that his partner dies and her family want custody of the kids.

Good luck.

Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:56

only want immediate family at the wedding and meal and want buffet in the eve did they even go out of fashion i looooove buffets

mazzystar - you dont sound grumpy but i do want a marriage but is it wrong to want the day to be lovely dont we all want a lovely wedding i think i picked my dress when i was lol or am i just a saddo

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Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 21:58

i think the marriage is very important but as i said above dont most of us want that lovey day ?

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Original poster
twospecialgirls · 30/01/2008 22:00

sorry ment to say picked dress when i was 16

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ronshar · 30/01/2008 22:01

Crikey 16. Is it a big princess Di outfit.

yelnats · 30/01/2008 22:02

YANBU - just had a look at your profile and you are so like me. i have 2 little girls almost 4 and almost 1. We have been together 8 years in June and are planning to get married next year - we cant really afford it either but both of us really want to be married. Like you the name thing is a bit of an issue.

oh and your girls are lovely! my dd's have the same tops as yours! It will happen one day.

KristinaM · 30/01/2008 22:02

you NEED to be married to protect each other and your children in the event of "something" happening to one of you

however i don't agree with the " i deserve a wedding" kind of stuff. if you cant afford a £5k wedding then you cant and thats that

however as everyone else says, you can have a lovely day for a lot less than £5k. There are lots and lots of threads on mumsnet about this. you just need to start being creative and thinking outside the box. and don't whatever you do, buy any of these wedding magazines coz they will fill your head with