To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

That’s great for you. I’m in the position that I could also afford children and travel with them, but I don’t want to. I’d be miserable on account of the fact that I had children, and being able to still travel wouldn’t take away from the fact I was living in a way I didn’t want to.

it’s also a fact that many families aren’t in a position where they’re able to have children and still travel as and when they want, and have a career. Some people may be able to have it all, but I imagine that isn’t the rule.

@somuchtolearnabout
I have such a long list which only gets longer as I experience more life:

• never had the urge, when younger assumed I'd have them just because everyone does but then luckily realised it was a choice (luckily never been pregnant and been forced to make a choice)

• pregnancy looks like a chore and childbirth sounds like a horror show

• body never being the same again. I'm not vain I just don't want to risk needing to shit through my vagina for the rest of my existence

• the absolute day to day drudgery. I hate house work and it goes up exponentially with kids. Also think schlepping back and for on the school run every day complete waste of time. Would rather live close and let them walk/bus

• I am really noise adverse and need a lot of alone time. A crying child sets my nerves on edge.

• I like hobbies like hiking and travel which at least in the early years would be curtailed by children

*poor mental health. Mine, my family genetics, my future child potentially suffering from it all.

• I need a lot of alone time to function. A child would seriously disrupt this and I'd be miserable and they wouldn't get the attention they deserve

• the absolute worry about them whenever they'd be out my sight that wouldn't end until I die. I couldn't cope with the anxiety

• the whinging you get in real life and online about how hard motherhood is. Apart from at the beach in summer I rarely see happy families in public. There's always at least one member (not always the kids!) having a meltdown

• the inevitable lions share of all the responsibility, druge and legwork a mother gets because most men just don't see it as their role

• money - I grew up in absolute poverty. I like being not in poverty now that I'm a working adult. I would never want to risk losing every thing again and having a child go through that stress

• overpopulation / climate change. The world doesn't need me adding to it (obviously I know replenishment level needs to be kept to not go extinct but globally that is being exceeded vastly)

I would have a abortion if I became pregnant. I'm on the pill which I take like clockwork and rarely do the deed anyway these days, have a partner who agrees with all the same reasons as above plus has physical disabilities.

Sorry you haven’t been able to understand the point I was making. Like I said for some women being a mother is the fulfilment of their potential.

Errr yeah. Whatever you tell yourself. Again. I'm sorry about your life because I truly don't understand your bitterness at this point.

You felt the need to degrade the majority of women to make yourself seem superior why? If your life is so great. I never said anything about your choice to be childfree just that your argument is stupid and insulting, and not remotely true.

BOTH my parents are wonderful.

Also well done you for fulfilling your life’s only purpose. Otherwise what else would you have done with your life?

Feel sad that more people don’t decide they don’t want children before actually giving birth ,and then not wanting them abusing and neglecting them .

@Cluelessdiyer No genuinely, my life DEFINITELY isn't perfect but we are a very happy family. I argue with my siblings, I argue with my husband, my kids get on my nerves (I told my 1yr old to bog off earlier), the 3yo did a shit on the kitchen floor at the weekend and then my husband trod in it. We went to a soft play party and my husband complained the entire time that the football was on and he wanted to go home. It's not even close to perfect (does that exist?) but we are happy. And I do love my life. And I shouldn't have to pretend otherwise just because it doesn't seem real.

Thanks but I will continue to respond and post as I wish.

This was for @PurpleWisteria1

This sounds a bit like my mum. Her whole sense of identity and purpose came from being a mother, and honestly, once we all left home, she became very unhappy. Years later and she still tells us how much she misses us living there, and has properly damaged my brother (in his 40s) because she will not let him go.

Why?
It’s just being realistic, it shouldn’t be ’depressing’.

See, now I find that quite sad. Your life wouldn’t be worth living if you didn’t have children? How depressing. There’s so many incredible things to see and do in the world.

Imagine not having something be always wanted and having to see everyone around you live the life you wanted? It's a pretty big thing to miss out on if you want children. It's like being forced to stay single forever. It doesn't matter how many holidays you can have.

So I guess it is sad, but it is by no means an unusual perspective. It is sad if someone can t have children.

Apart from an accidental teenage pregnancy, I've never even come close to having children, and I am so glad I never had any with either of my exes, as I would have had to keep them in my life because of shared biology. I've never pictured myself with a child, and the number of awful, spoiled ones I've met in my life have just reinforced to me that I made the right decision not to have them.

I disagree.

OP, your posts lack empathy. You come across as dismissive and smug and cannot see beyond your 'perfect' life.

All of @Hills2022 are spot on IMHO.

I have wondered this too @Serialcatmum I know too many women who, like me, didn't experience that driving need to become a mother.

yes to this, a million times over.

Because they are little twats.
I have one now and he’s still a little twat as are all the others but I love the bones of him.
Having kids is still a mugs game though. I haven’t slept in years now.

@somuchtolearnabout in my experience people
who are genuinely happy don’t find it hard to accept that other people make different life choices - becaue they are comfortablw
in their own choices.

youve come on here with an obviously ridiculous post about how you can’t understand how everyone doesn’t want your life - and you’re now defensive when it’s pointed out that your life doesn’t sound as wonderful as you may think…

what did you hope to achieve by posting

@Hills2022 oh dear, well at least you saw my message before they deleted it! 🙂

I am not making an argument, I am stating my experience and opinion. I am not remotely bitter about it. I feel sad for women in that situation not anger or bitterness. I know that some of them feel bitter about it but that certainly isn’t universal. I also know many are very happy in their motherhood role so why would their be any bitterness.

I won’t dare reply to this giving how the other threads went recently. I said before it made me realise why I never open up in real life about this topic.

I disagree. Plenty of people have children in less than optimal financial circumstances, so it’s clear that if the desire is there people are willing to sacrifice financial security in order to have the children they want.

my husband and I have money. We’re lucky that we’re in a position that if we wanted children we could do so without having to sacrifice anything. We could pop a couple of kids out, ship them off to boarding school and have nannies raise them the rest of the time if we were so inclined, but…we are completely lacking in any desire to have them. We just simply don’t want them.

Because they're young and noisy for an incredibly short period of time define incredibly short? Because 7.5 years and counting doesn't feel short and it shows no signs of a batting.

every reason... mostly relate to children when they're small - being expensive, taking up your time, being loud etc you know the things they what and need just get bigger and more expensive right? School uniforms, school trip, help with Uni just as a generic one. And they need your time I na different way. Much harder to plonk a 14 yo who's broken up with her bf in front of telly for 10 minutes to cheer her up!!

How old are your kids @somuchtolearnabout ?

I worry I'd be lonely and I have many many friends but they've all got their own lives (and families!) and so will your kids, who might not even live in the same country or like you

@Sausagedoggy
Gosh, do you think you'll regret having them? occasional pangs of the life I could have had
Why on earth did you have them? no sensible reason, hormones and yearnings.

Why didn't you consider an abortion? because they took a lot of effort to make
Aren't you worried you'll mess them up? every second of every day
Are you worried your husband will leave you now you've got kids? not really, but I wonder what we'll talk about once they're grown
Aren't you worried he'll have an affair now you've got kids? like either of us have the energy

Partly because I have chronic health issues, and partly because I'm not maternal, often find kids trying company and strongly doubt I could have been a good mother. It's academic now I'm in my fifties and I do have a fair few regrets tbh, but overall I think I did the right thing. It wouldn't have been fair to bring a child into the world then find I was too unhappy and unsuited to motherhood to give the child the happy upbringing all children deserve.

I don't have huge amounts of money. I work for the NHS and help my Dad and brother financially. In fact my Dad has just moved in with me so that's even less money.
I haven't had a holiday for years and did all my travelling when I was a student/early 20's.
My life is pretty normal for a middle-aged woman. A bit dull, at times.

And yet, I still don't regret not having children.

Some people don't want children because they like to travel and spend money.
Some people have children and still do that.

Some people don't want children and aren't interested in having lots of money.
Some people have children and still want a lot of money.

Some women don't want children or a high flying career
Some women with children want that.

It's an individual thing rather than a childfree/mother thing.

Ye gods! This is the best laugh I've had,this week. .😂