To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I find it a hard question to answer to people who have had children because, basically, I think I would be bringing them into a world that is getting worse - creating life when I believe their futurew would be very hard indeed.

We (humans) won't be happy until we have absolutely fucked the planet, leaving people fighting for food and energy and water. Even if that doesn't happen in my children's lifetime totally, I think it will happen in their children's lifetime and I don't want anyone I love to face that.

I have given your question some thought but I’m not really sure I can answer it the way you want. You asked what it is about kids that I don’t want, but for me it’s not really an active NOT wanting, it’s more just the absence of a really strong want if that makes sense?

There’s this perception that people who don’t want kids actively don’t like kids. For me that’s never been the case. I love kids. I grew up with much younger siblings. I love being around my nieces and nephews, and my friends’ kids. I love being an auntie and can’t wait for them to be old enough for me to have them over for sleepovers and take them out for day trips. But I hear others talking about this all-consuming need for a child of their own and that’s just something I’ve never felt.

I actually did TTC for a while but my heart was never really fully in it. And when I hovered around message boards with others who were TTC I would see people talking about their desperation for a child, how it was all they’d ever wanted, and I realised it was just not a feeling I’ve ever felt.

I also see how much hard work and sacrifice goes into having a child and I now just don’t think I want it badly enough for it to be worth all that, for me personally. So I worry that I’d be a crap mum because if I did have a child, I’d resent them for the toll they’d take on my mental health and my personal life when I was never 100% fully into the idea of having a child in the first place.

I do love kids and I am still considering maybe becoming a foster parent in a few years’ time, if the stars align on various things that might make it possible for me to do that. But we’ll see.

My life is very full and happy with a very interesting (to me!) career, my lovely husband, my hobbies, lots of friends and family (including kids) and my dog. I hate to think of anyone pitying me or thinking I don’t have a fulfilling life because I haven’t had a child of my own - I really am doing just fine!

@TedMullins thank fuck there's another one like me!!!

I’m struggling to understand how you fail to understand… Surely if you have them, you can totally understand why some people don’t want them!!!

Let me list out just a few reasons for you:

Some people might quite enjoy:

• sleep
• a tidy home
• freedom to do what they want with their spare time
• Adults only holidays
• adult appropriate restaurants, spas, bars, etc etc
• having money to spend as they wish
• quiet time ie reading a book on the sofa of a weekend
• Wearing what they like without fear of mucky handprints
• maybe even a walk in wardrobe
• just a few for you to ponder there

FYI I do have kids and love them implicitly and of course for me the good outweighs the bad but I often miss my old life and the freedom of being about to worry about just myself! What luxury.

I have always wanted kids and going through 10 years of ivf made me want them even more. But there’s nothing like ivf for putting your desire to have kids under the microscope. My best friend and her dp decided after a cycle that they didn’t care enough about having natural born kids to put themselves through that & decided to travel the world for 2 years and foster instead. I wish I could have felt that way but ivf seemed to amplify my desire to have kids.

I'm on the fence, limited maternal instinct and can see the enormous logical "cons" list of having a child but also the whole "ah but you feel different once they're you're own" etc + societal pressure - I'm actually quite jealous of those on this thread who definitely know either way they do or don't want children.

I have more empathy with those who know they don't - because if you know you enjoy your life as it is, isn't having children an absolutely enormous gamble?! It's totally irreversible, and if it turns out you don't enjoy it, or maybe you have a child with additional needs which are hard to manage - you just don't know - how can people feel so certain that's the right choice?

I read the heartbreaking thread about the absolutely heroic lady cleaning up her adult son's shit and really thought - that can't be what anyone thinks of when they say "oh I just knew I wanted kids" - but it's a risk you take. And you can't undo it.

Do people just close their eyes and jump, with their fingers crossed?

My family put me off for life no money no free time no life outside bringing them up. Hated my childhood teen years no way was inflicting another generation with that also bad eyes mine couldn’t be passed on but no change. Never regretted my decision the day I finally got sterilised was one of the best days of my life.

@Cluelessdiyer Not at all! I'm not questioning why their choices are different to mine. This is one part of my life. There's lots of other choices I've made in my life and wouldn't question why anyone else hasn't chosen to do the same thing, I posted because I was curious at what makes people decide not to have children, because it was something I don't ever actively
Remember deciding. I just always knew. And lots of lovely posts have explained that actually, more often than not, it wasn't a choice for them either. As in, having children was never an option in their eyes so they never had to "choose" either way.

You're getting personal and trying to insult me by suggesting "if I was actually happy" then I'd just sit here happy in my own life, minding my own business and not giving a shit what anyone else does. Which is frankly ridiculous and doesn't even make sense. I'm allowed be curious. And also really object to being called a liar. I'm a lot of things, but I can assure you I'm no liar.

This is such an odd thread.
Who is the arbiter of what's a legitimate reason not to have kids? If someone finds them too noisy or recognises that their travel aspirations would be curtailed that's enough. "I just don't want to" is enough.

The argument that you can still do everything after having kids is silly. Of course having kids changes your life and lifestyle.

I adore my kids. But I can see why others might want a different life.

For me, I've just never wanted them. They look like hard work for no reward. Appreciate other people think the rewards are great but I don't. I would struggle to live the life I love with children. People always say "oh but you can still do that with kids" and the reality is no you can't - you cannot have EVERYTHING the same, which is what I want. You have to make sacrifices to some extent. And that's fine for people who want kids but I don't. It's a bit like someone saying you could still live on half your salary, you would just have to give up some of the things you love doing some of the time. I mean sure, I could, but why would I sacrifice those things if I'm happy with the job i have?

Exactly this. A woman's life choices are nobody's business but hers.

And lots of lovely posts have explained that actually, more often than not, it wasn't a choice for them either. As in, having children was never an option in their eyes so they never had to "choose" either way.

What about the many posts from women saying that nothing about motherhood appeals to them and they actively chose not to have children? Something they've never regretted?

Are those posts 'lovely' too?

Why do you struggle to understand why someone wouldn’t want them?
Not being goady but why do you find it hard to believe there are people out there that do not want children?

That’s really interesting. It was starting to think about the possibility of IVF that made me realise ‘god, I don’t actually think I want this badly enough’ whereas I know others, like you, for whom it’s just made them all the more determined. I wish there was more respect for those different feelings rather than the constant insistence that ‘I can’t imagine not wanting kids therefore you must be lying/kidding yourself’.

My mother was a very good mother in some ways and really a not very good one in others. So reasons I didn't want children: I always had a feeling that I might be the same sort of mother as mine and I didn't think it was fair on any child I would bring into the world; I teach, so get to see a lot of young people at firsthand, which is great and satisfies any mild maternal instincts I have; also being gay, it would have taken significantly more effort to get pregnant than I was willing to do (and my partner has always been adamant about not wanting children and we are 100% happy with our choices and love our godchildren very much.)

Same! The odd fun half hour I spend with my friends kids is not enough to change my mind.

if I fell pregnant, I would not continue with the pregnancy

@SylvanianFrenemies I accepted from the beginning that I'd be torn to shreds, but this is AIBU and I'm pretty thick skinned. Plus you're all a bunch of sad strangers browsing the internet on a Monday afternoon just like me. So people in glass houses and all that...

But back to the thread. I basically just wanted to know what people's reasons were for not having kids. Would you also find it odd if someone started a thread asking what your reasons were for wanting kids? I wouldn't find that odd personally.

@IcedPurple Yes they're lovely too, thanks for reminding me

I have many reasons but main one and most important, the only relevant in my opinion is because I don’t want them.

Another reason I don’t want to ever step on or clean human shit from the kitchen floor!

Those are exactly the reasons why DD and her DP of 10 years don't want children...plus the fact that they are around them at work (they are not teachers but work in a family centered environment), all day and have no desire to be around children on their days off. Seems fair enough to me.

Yes- I do feel I have my own identity and make sure I also have hobbies and a part time job I love. But I will be devastated when this dependant stage has passed. I’m already half way through (or over half way actually) and it’s been an incredible journey. Desperately low and Frustrating, Deliriously happy / exhilarating and everything in-between. At the same time though, I push all of my kids to be independent because that’s my ultimate goal. When they are all living happy and independent lives, that’s my motherhood job 99% complete.
Pushing them away from me is the hardest thing but it must be done.

@cornhasthejuice Yeah I really wouldn't recommend it tbh

Never enjoyed children. Never found them enjoyable to be around. Never had maternal feelings hugely.

A child can be cute, but it lasts about 10 seconds and then I'm done.

Noisy, expensive, commitments for life. I'm selflish enough that I'd prefer to enjoy my life without the drain of a child.

Name changed as don’t want this specific info outing me.

So the health condition I have means I only just about have enough energy in the battery for work. My social life fails a lot because of this because work always comes first.

I have lost friends and family members due to their lack of understanding of this.

I am on track to die in my 50s and before that become very ill in fits and starts due to the nature of my condition.

I find none of the above very conducive to having children even I had wanted them, I think it would have been selfish of me. That’s my opinion on it and no judgement on anyone else similar to me at all as I know how hard it is to make that decision. Hope that helps. 😊

I have children and its pretty easy to comprehend peoples reasons for and against having them. Noise is a valid reason. They may only be noisy for a short time but it is still time you have to put up with it. I love my son to his core, have zero regrets having him and he was planned however my life had changed, my work life has changed, my prioritise, my social life, the types of holiday I can take etc and my life now looks very different to before I had children. I loved my life before him and I love my life now but I can see why people wouldn't want to give up the level of freedom I had before having him. The thing that would make me question having a second now if I was in a position to consider it would be nursery costs. I spend 12k a year on nursery and we are not well off. We have had to make many sacrifices to be able to afford to work. He would have had 2.5 years of nursery before he gets his free hours so that's 30k on nursery alone! The cost has risen now too