To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Sorry I obviously touched a nerve

No, not really. I think I'm pretty accomplished, albeit constrained, that's precisely why I thought your post was so stupid. You want to feel better to others and this is what you tell yourself. I just don't get how you think the 80% of women who have kids are all downtrodden shells? It's just nonsense, sorry to disappoint.

But again, everything you've mentioned is around children as children. Nothing about what happens afterwards

I do believe I said up to teenager stage, so that pretty much covers the entire childhood years.

I'm at an age now where if I'd had children they would be adult - I still feel no desire to have adult children and I was not going to put up with the preceding 18 years of what would be a miserable experience for me (and any child) just to get to the point where they become adult.

I think the truth is, I'm just not a family person. I'm close to my Dad and my brother, but have no interest in the rest of my family - two sisters, their husbands and kids; various cousins etc.

I don't feel the need to be part of something, to me my "family" are the friends that I've made and my dog. I'd quite like a partner again, but in no rush to find one.

This is offensive to childfree people. My mother is a wonderful woman and we have a fantastic relationship. I have nothing but good childhood memories. Just as with those who have chosen to have children, it's not a one size fits all situation.

That's temporarily constrained*

I forgot to mention that I worked as a care assistant through college and uni. The vast majority of visitors were friends from social groups, church, lifelong pals, neighbours etc. Not the residents children.

Sorry you haven’t been able to understand the point I was making. Like I said for some women being a mother is the fulfilment of their potential.

See, now I find that quite sad. Your life wouldn’t be worth living if you didn’t have children? How depressing. There’s so many incredible things to see and do in the world.

Money, it’s always money. People will argue til they’re blue in the face it isn’t, but it is.
“We like disposable income” so they wouldn’t have any if they had children…. Money
“we like being able to go on holidays” so they couldn’t afford them if they had children
“we like being able to do what we want” so couldn’t afford to do those things & pay for childcare/ nannies if they had children

In fact I had a conversation with a friend the other day who is very on the fence, she’s a very high achiever and fiercely independent but said she ‘likes having family members, but doesn’t really like babies or toddlers’. I said don’t let that put you off - I actually think women who love babies and toddlers struggle more as that window is so short, they will be older kids/teens/adults much longer than they were babies. Whereas women who find older children more interesting only have to get through the first handful of years to reach that point.

If I’d meant you personally, I’d have referred to you personally. But I’m going to assume you’re quite new to MN if you’ve never waded through the hundreds of threads about childcare for very young babies / long hours childcare / night nannies etc where the mothers who want it or use it are up against a multitude of “if you were just going to give your baby to somebody else to raise then why did you even bother having one?” responses.

I do think the idea of happily child-free women makes some in our society uncomfortable, although I don’t really understand why.

Many pp’s have eloquently explained the benefits of being child-free. I thank my lucky stars that I live in a place and time where this choice, so much better for many women, is easier to pursue and the judgement from people such as the OP is less relevant. Older generations of women didn’t have this choice and were just expected to fulfil baby making duties. Thank god we have moved on from there.

I never wanted children and, given the state of the world, am very glad indeed that I didn't have any. I look at women with small kids and breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not her. Like others I taught/looked after a lot of young children in my 30s and realised afterwards that I'd done my share of child care and didn't want any more.

Tbh, it's like with cats - I'd never harm one, and would look after one if needed, but I don't really want them around.

I love my children often dearly. I had mine quite young. If I hadnt I definitely would not have had any.

I love travel (and I don't mean an all inclusive in Tenerife) and not having to be accountable for anyone except myself. I would also be a bloody millionaire

They are noisy , draining , always have to put them first

Na.
Both my adult children are adamant they don't want them either. I get it

I hear how hard it is from my friends and siblings who have kids. They always end their list of woes with 'but they're worth it!'
They are hardly going to admit that it's not worth it, are they? That they fell for the big irreversible lie and now deeply regret it?

Agree with all this too. I hated being a kid and didn’t like other kids when I was one! My life is pretty adults only and I like it that way.

also I’ve thought the same as a PP who said you can’t undo it - you’re stuck with a child for life. That sounds utterly terrifying to me. If you don’t like parenting, tough, that’s it now, forever.

I’ve also thought there’s so much risk in creating another person because you’ve no idea who they’ll turn out to be. Obviously your parenting has a big impact in shaping this but what if they grow up to murder someone or be a paedophile? Or they’re disabled or they have a freak accident and lose their legs, or they’re just a bit of a weirdo and you don’t like them? That’s a scary thought. You might be stuck with someone for life who is at best just not your kind of person or at worst a criminal.

Like so many here, you refuse to acknowledge that many of us just simply don't want children.

Even if I was a multi millionaire, I still wouldn't want children. I just don't find anything about the idea of motherhood appealing.

To answer your Q in relation to them getting older -
I wouldn't want the worry about them for as long as I or they live
I don't want the financial burden as they get older
When they get older I don't want to be someone that relies on them for my own company - I hate the idea that they'll owe me in my old age. Just like I hate seeing on threads where people don't see enough of their children and are upset about it. They grow up, have their own lives, and shouldn't have to look after their parents. They owe you nothing.
So no - I couldn't have children just to have some ready grown adult company.

To me personally adult children are the worst bit of parenthood!

The thing is OP - anyone who comes onto a forum who posts about how they can’t understand how everyone doesn’t want to have The Perfect Life like they do - is almost certainly not really having the perfect life.

your descriptions of your life have all the hallmarks of the perfeft
insta life

the real experience of life simply is not like that unless you are deluding yourself

I thought I didn't want them but fell pregnant and couldn't terminate. He is my world now and love him so much we planned another.

I'm sorry to hear that @LoobyDop I remember an awkward transition phase when most of my peers were starting to settle down and have kids just as my career was taking off. Most of my closest friends, entirely by accident, are also child free (by accident as these are women I befriended from different parts of my life in my/our 20s and 30s). I do think finding, developing and maintaining friendships in adulthood, without the prop of school/work/kids school is a skill worth honing and one that is often left too much to chance. It helps to have interests and be interested in others.

Nope.

I have never wanted children, that's all. I don't understand how 'I just wanted children' is seen as perfectly legitimate but 'I just didn't want children' has to have some ulterior motive.

I agree with this, if I was given a billion pounds per child I’d still have none and if I was completely skint and wanted ten kids I’d have them and cope. Money isn’t a factor.