To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Do you seriously believe what Prescottdanni is doing and experiencing is on par with your safari??
Of course you can travel and experience the world with children but it’s not and will never be the same as doing it as a childfree couple or person!

I am the same as you OP.
Literaly boggles my mind why anyone wouldn’t want them. I have always wanted them and felt my life wouldn’t be worth living if I couldn’t have them.
Literally anything in the world I could live without and forge a happy life. But if I wasn’t able to have kids, then personally i felt my life would be completely hollow. They are the only thing that brings true meaning. The pleasure and love I get from them only things that are not superficial for me in this world (except to a lesser degree my DH and family members)
I do feel strongly that it’s only my own kids I feel this way about. Any other kids are just kids. Kids I’m fond of maybe but it’s totally different.
Thats why when someone who doesn’t have them says kids are this or that, my mind boggles. It’s just totally different with your own for the vast majority of mothers.
I do think for some it’s how you’ve been brought up and how you’ve been treated by your own mother - as some of these comments on this thread have shown.

Also it’s the same old same old. But what about when you are older?? Plenty of older mothers and fathers never see their adult children for many reasons it’s certainly not a reason to bring another human into this world.

OP is also obviously pretty well off, based on what they've posted, which must make it all a lot more bearable. I wonder if they would find the childfree life so inexplicable if they weren't able to go on nice holidays, date nights, weekends away etc and raise kids with no financial issues.

Nice of you to show your true colours. I think we can safely say that you fall into the ‘smug mummy’ category. Let’s hope your children are all exactly like you as you seem incapable of understanding that people have different views and experiences to you. You are coming across as quite unpleasant.

@rudebanana Do you seriously believe that having children means you can't have a career?

I will say this - my children are small, but DH & I have lots of free time away from them. We have lots of holidays and weekends away just the two of us, we have impromptu date nights and trips away just the two of us. We get plenty of sleep, we have plenty of disposable income.

by any chance, do your parents in law who live nearby (I understand) regularly care for your children to enable you to do these things? My husband’s and my parents live hundreds of miles away and have been useless and next to useless respectively in helping us when they are here. so any childfree breaks, we have to pay professionals for.

Wider familial support makes a MASSIVE difference when raising younger children, IME.

Literaly boggles my mind why anyone wouldn’t want them. I have always wanted them and felt my life wouldn’t be worth living if I couldn’t have them.

How can a mind 'literaly' be 'boggled'?

But if it can, then it boggles my mind that someone assumes that what is true for them must be true for everyone else.

We’re all clearly talking at cross purposes. The OP doesn’t understand people who have to sacrifice parts of their life because of children because she’s clearly absolutely minted. Never had to give up on doing anything, lots of time for mum and dad to spend themselves on dates, safari with a baby in tow. Couldn’t be further from the majority of parents who do have to make a lot of compromises, who can’t just up and off on a date night or to Africa to goggle at some wildlife with a sprog strapped to them because they’re too busy making ends meeting and dealing with the daily grind of life plus kids.

No. But it means that many women - often the same ones who can’t imagine why anyone would ever not want children - are now instead on your back about why you bothered to have children if you’re just going to put them in childcare.

I have never been particularly interested in babies and small children, or found them cute. My reasons were sort of back to front - I couldn’t imagine myself in my later years without my own (grown up) children. Not to look after me or anything like that, but I think children (however old) keep you looking forwards and in touch with modern life. The childless/free women I know (and this is just my experience and no more offensive than posters saying they didn’t want kids ‘because all my friends who have them are so stressed out’ etc) seem fine until about 60, but very lonely thereafter. A lot of them struggled to get over the deaths of their parents as their parents were their closest relatives at that point as well. That’s just my reasons!

Literaly boggles my mind why anyone wouldn’t want them. I have always wanted them and felt my life wouldn’t be worth living if I couldn’t have them.
Literally anything in the world I could live without and forge a happy life. But if I wasn’t able to have kids, then personally i felt my life would be completely hollow. They are the only thing that brings true meaning. The pleasure and love I get from them only things that are not superficial for me in this world (except to a lesser degree my DH and family members)

I wanted children but couldn’t have them. Fortunately I was eventually able to see the bigger picture and realised that I still had a life and that I could make it rich and meaningful without children.

@Hills2022

Of course you think mothers are dimished and boring after having kids because you live a different lifestyle. It has absolutely zero basis in fact whether statistically or anecdotally.

Given that the majority of people have at least one child, do you honestly think people who don't have kids are so special and interesting?

My idea of hell is someone going on about their achievements, spare cash and holidays etc. So I'm sure I'd find some childfree people boring because that's not my lifestyle.

And new parents going on about their baby for that matter- quite boring.. But it's a very temporary thing and I'm no way is representative of all or even most parents.

Not intended as a slight against childfree people or parents but this particular point that having children tarnished people is so dumb.

Let’s hope it’s only childfree people who come in here to answer and no childless people come in to draw comfort or ideas about how to create a happy future.

@TheLeadbetterLife No maybe I wouldn't, but the reality is that I do have the option to do these things so I get the best of both worlds. Is that not allowed?

Sorry I obviously touched a nerve

I'm just not keen on them. I don't think there is anything appealing about babies/toddlers at all.

I have rheumatoid arthritis and have suffered with depression all my life. Both conditions appear to run in my family. There is no way I would want to bring up some poor little sod into a life of misery and pain. That would be grossly unfair.

Pregnancy and birth sounds like a hideous nightmare. Birth injuries are routinely dismissed because 'but you have a lovely baby'.

For background, I'm 46 and have never wanted them. I had to have a bilateral salpingectomy when I was 38 and the doc looked very surprised when I refused the offer of counselling 'to come to terms with it'. I also has an abortion when I was 27. I POAS on a Friday teatime and had booked myself in at Marie Stopes by 10am on the Saturday morning.

I have trouble looking after myself let alone anyone else.

Lots of reasons.

I just don't.

A big one is the environment/state of the world. Any child is going to have a hard future on this planet due to global warming. It's utterly selfish to bring a child into this.

The fetishisation of motherhood which is now common gives me the ick. Normal women turned into absolute idiots because they had a baby. You see it here all the time.

Because it's my choice. We all have choice.

I’ve always been on the fence/leaning towards not wanting them. My con’s list for kids is a lot longer than the pro’s- relentlessness, lack of freedom, expensive, lack of sleep etc.

I love my nieces and nephews but feel scared to change my entire life incase I end up regretting it.

Also, what worries me more now I’m slightly older, is everyone on MN seems to have a SEN child. I know I absolutely couldn’t cope with a disabled or SEN child, when I’m not desperate for a child anyway. So it seems it’s too risky to contemplate now.

I’m confused. You were comparing your safari to Prescotts travelling experience. That’s what I was referring to.

Have you spoken to your GP about your continuing SPD? You should be able to access one-to-one physio, or if you can afford it find a private one. There are exercises you can do to build your core strength and improve the SPD.

I was completely disabled by it in later pregnancy - could only shuffle, not walk - and still had pain after pregnancy. I am now fully back to normal, except for occasional unwise movements that trigger the pain - in which case I need to get back on the physio again for a few weeks. Slipping in the shower is always a killer!

@ComtesseDeSpair which women are you talking about though? "Many women?" Certainly not me.

i honestly feel that there is some kind of evolution in play.. we have too many people on the world now. We don’t have enough resources (well we do, but they aren’t shared fairly) and although we still need to have SOME babies being born to keep us going, wirh folk living longer we don’t need quite as many!

Maybe evolution is taking that in to consideration and doesn’t give EVERYONE that instinct to have babies?!?!

Personally, I always assumed I’d get married and have babies. My life didn’t work out that way and I’m ok with it. I might regret it one day, but I can’t worry about that now as I’m too busy living my life.

i will admit that the urge to have that bond is strong, I work with kids, volunteer with kids and dote on my baby nephew and nieces.

I have kids and there isn't much I won't do for them. It will be a cold day in hell before I go camping.