To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I’m not. I do see the unfortunate and unproductive dynamics of internet discussion (and I stupidly took the bait) and I got a little exercised there.

if I really think about it, I can imagine the positives being the occasions when you fuck them off elsewhere and not deal with them. For very long periods of time.

@JackTorrance you said

"I also don't exactly think it would be a massive tragedy if the human race were to die out, tbh. We rape and kill each other, start wars and ruin the planet."

This is such an interesting point as I am of a similar view regarding the human race. It is always held up as such a trump card 'but if no one had children humanity would die out' - so what?

I also wonder about the biological impulse part as it's obviously a massive driver for some people and non-existent for others. As someone who hasn't got that biological impulse to reproduce, it seems quite irrational and almost arrogant that people think their own genetics are so wonderful that they must be reproduced for the sake of the species! However based on what people have said it is almost overwhelming desire to reproduce that people feel and have little or no control over rather than a thought led process. Of course those are two ends of the spectrum and i suspect for most people it is something in between.

The “bait” was a thread started by someone who can’t understand why people choose not to have children. Other posters answered the question “because I don’t want them”. It’s not their fault you took the “bait”.

I agree it’s my fault entirely I took the bait on this thread.

This is such an interesting point as I am of a similar view regarding the human race. It is always held up as such a trump card 'but if no one had children humanity would die out' - so what?

I have the same view. I got called nihilistic for it though

Yup - obviously, as a woman, if you don't have children you have failed at womanning. You are a second class woman.

Hamsterarse's lovely long list of reasons why failed women don't have kids is hilarious - all about selfishness and greed. That's what us failure women are all about, selfishness and greed.

It's good to know where we stand (obviously on the low, low rungs of womanning).

I think it's much harder to explain why you HAVE kids beyond "condom broke" "because vwe wanted them" because a lot of it is hormonal and I think driven into the biological urge to reproduce is a natural balance that not everyone will.

Some of that can be overcome with science thankfully but increase fertility of people who would otherwise be infertile has come with a seesaw understanding of accepting some women don't want them (but would have likely been obliged to 50 years ago) so the natural balance remains.

Wed be fucked if every single woman to reach say 20 had two children and we'd be fucked as a species of no one did.

This is such an interesting point as I am of a similar view regarding the human race. It is always held up as such a trump card 'but if no one had children humanity would die out' - so what?

Watching Frozen Planet II made me want to kill everyone and leave everything to the animals and nature. Now that's nihilistic.

Also, the arrogance of thinking that we as a species are so superior and exceptional that we must not be allowed to die out & it would be a tragedy!

It wouldn’t, we are just one of a long line of creatures, just particularly clever and destructive. So what if we die out? The planet can recover, and we can’t be upset and suffer if we’re all dead. There’ll be many more after us just like there were before us.

Can you imagine a single nice thing you might do with a child? Teach a child to swim? Laugh with a child over a cartoon? Witness your child passing their driving test as a young adult? Literally nothing?

Can't swim myself.
Hate cartoons
Not interested in people passing their driving test

Nope if there was a positive thing about having kids, I'd have had them.

HTH

If you had them, you would stop getting silly questions about why you don't have them. Surely that's a positive.

Aha, gotcha 😁

😂

Indeed - you'd then get silly questions about why you weren't having more. ;)

I think the issue here is that I'm not saying there are no positives to being a parent for you, but for me, I just don't care about any activity with a child. I'm not interested. Does that mean there are no positives to being a parent? Of course not. Does it mean I don't think they are positives for me? Yes. I'm not sure why this is hard to understand. People like and value different things.

You're conflating "positives with children existing and maybe being in my life" with "having a child".

I get youre point. My point is you like taking your nephew swimming. I like taking my children swimming. So the positive is doing fun activities together. I don't have a niece or nephew so I enjoy these with my children instead.

These are minor positives that aren't going to convince someone who's happily childfree to want kids but they're still positives.

I think that's why people find it hard to believe when others say that can't think of a single activity they'd ever want to do with anyone under 18.

Sure, it's not going to make you want to have it own (and who can blame you), but there are clearly some nice things about having children. Anyone who enjoys spending time with other children can see why others may choose to have dc

I really respect everyone who is choosing not to have kids. Personal choice and would never try to change or persuade someone to have a child if they don't want a child. Absolutely agree is nobody's business but the person who makes the choice. Same with abortion.
What I don't understand how come there are so many on a forum meant for mothers 😀.
Is this not mumsnet? Just asking 😀.

That's the thing @RandomMusings7 . You think it's a stupid question. I (and many other people) don't.

And bear in mind what I said earlier - Personally, I find there are many more logical reasons not to have children than to do have them.

I think it's fascinating and the different opinions show that this is an fundamental, existential difference in humans. I don't think stupid is the right way to approach it.

Personally, this is a question I would reserve for friends and very specific circumstances, when it feels apt, when it's asking to be asked. Context is everything. And as far as I can see, an anonymous forum seems the perfect context if you really are curious. Intellectual curiosity is a good thing, I'd say.

I don't care one iota whether OP, you or anyone else that's not me has or doens't have children. What I could be interested in is why the difference is there.

Does that mean there are no positives to being a parent? Of course not. Does it mean I don't think they are positives for me? Yes.

This is fair enough, by the way! Watching cartoons together is not going to convince you to have children, and deal with all the headaches they cause😂

Subjectively, it's not worth it to you. That makes total sense

A friend of mine has never wanted children, though she’s fantastic with kids as is her husband she’s always said “she’s too selfish” she wants to do her own thing, she goes away every weekend, and she’s very career minded. I do however find it strange that her husband always wanted kids until he met her, he’s a few years younger and she’s said she’s changed his mind. He’s still just in his early 30s but does make me think what will happen they older they get, as I don’t think his true feelings are that he doesn’t want kids, he’s just gone along with his wife probably thinking she’ll change her mind.

I didn't want children until I hit my twenties and this maternal urge took over. I have 3 now (2 sen). I absolutely adore my babies, they are my world and I love them. But life is bloody hard at times and I often fantasise about a life without children. So I totally get why people choose not to have them.

I never ever wanted children until I met my husband. I told him that. We spoke about it and he explained his reasoning to me for wanting children. It made sense and I was open to having “his” child but only his child.
I made it clear to him that I had a (self Imposed) deadline for having a child and we made that deadline by 2 months. If it hadn’t happened by then we weren’t going to pursue it any further.

I adore our son more than the world and would never change him, he’s genuinely enriched my life, but I equally think that I could have been a different type of happy and fulfilled if I’d never had children

I think that's why people find it hard to believe when others say that can't think of a single activity they'd ever want to do with anyone under 18.

I literally can't think of a single activity that I'd want to do with anyone under 18. Any activity I otherwise enjoy would fundamentally be less enjoyable by virtue of there being a child involved.

What I don't understand how come there are so many on a forum meant for mothers

Oh my GOD I can't believe it. You are the only person to have ever stumbled across this mystery. I am shocked and gobsmacked and just fully flabbergasted that up until RIGHT NOW nobody had realised that this website was only for mummies. That threads about cooking and cars and men and relationships and cats and dog food and nail polish and law and feminism could ONLY be responded to by mummies. I'm sure we all feel like absolute dicks now that you have (for the first time ever) called out the non-mummies on this issue.

I literally can't think of a single activity that I'd want to do with anyone under 18. Any activity I otherwise enjoy would fundamentally be less enjoyable by virtue of there being a child involved

See this is what was puzzling me about this list of examples.
Swimming? I like surfing, having to cock about in the shallows with a small child would ruin my day out.
Cartoon? Family Guy possibly isn't suitable. Children's cartoons bore me rigid and give me a headache.
Passing a driving test? Sounds like a worry, they're so reckless at that age.

People could literally list every enjoyable activity under the sun and I can't imagine how having a child present in it would do anything other than make it less enjoyable.

Even less tangible stuff, say hugs and kisses, I immediately think of stickiness.