To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

How is it stupid? Did you misunderstand the point?

I laugh with my friends over memes, I taught an adult PhD student swimming lessons this year. These activities aren't restricted to having children.

But the thread was about women who don't have children 🤦🏻‍♀️

No, they haven’t said that at all. They’re saying that they find those activities and, in general, activities involving prospective children to be tedious. I’m sure they enjoy all manner of activities that do not involve prospective children.

Genuinely, how narrow must your mind be that you CANNOT fathom this?

I’m not the one who appears to be having comprehension issues.

It wasn't a conscious decision.

Met my husband, dated, married, travelled, worked, got puppies. I felt I had everything I needed to be happy. Still do. There's nothing missing from our life.

And I’ve asked ‘why?’ multiple times, now. You don’t appear to have an answer other than ‘there has to be!’

My aunt had 7 children and as the eldest grandchild I was always lumbered with babysitting. The constant wailing, stinking nappies and sticky hands .....just no. My poor aunt was pregnant 13 times. Her husband refused to use condoms and she couldn't take the pill. She was permanently exhausted and died whilst pregnant at age 36. She was beautiful when she married but looked about 50 when she died. That and hearing the awful screams from a neighbour during her home birth put me off for life.

There must be at least one positive.

WHY though?

Can you imagine anyone saying this about any other decision?!

I enjoy looking after FiL's dog for the odd weekend when he's away.....doesn't mean I want one of my own though. Same thing.

I’m sorry but I think you are. I listed three random activities I might find nice to do with a child. However, you or anyone else are at total liberty to think of any activity you might like to do with a child or a single thing that you might find positive. For someone to say that they cannot think of a single thing that might be positive about being a parent is unbelievable. Not on balance. A single thing.

That’s not my point.

‘There must be a positive’ is very much an absolute statement.

You got me on the “there’s no such thing as the truth” statement.

there are levels of absoluteness. Saying that there must be one positive is of a different degree than it’s all negative

Yes, we say this all the time. I’m hard pressed to think of a decision that doesn’t have a single positive or negative

Nope, it’s you. As evidenced by the fact that you are studiously refusing to engage with anything that’s been said to you, have no responses to any points raised and are simply repeating ‘there must be a positive’ (an absolute statement) without backing it up with any logic whatsoever and claiming not to believe absolute statements.

You can list all the random activities you like. Some people see zero attraction in doing these or any activity with a prospective child (as I’ve already stated). This is only unbelievable to you because you are incapable of comprehending that not everyone thinks like you (as I’ve also already stated). Which is sad for you.

Most of us seem to agree that the negatives outweigh the positives.

I went to sleep and woke up to utter chaos 🙈 what has happened?!

It’s not worth it. I’ve made a quite logical point repeatedly. I don’t think there’s much point re-hashing it.

It is a little ironic that you say it’s sad for me that I can’t imagine certain things.

So, now there are levels of absoluteness and you get to decide which levels are ‘unbelievable’? The statements of other commenters do not pass the believability test, but your absolute statements are fine?

Okay, I’m done here. 😂

Any nice activity I can think of is immediately tarred by having to share it with a child. I'm sure that other people find many positives about it, but there is not one single thing that feels positive for me.

The insistence that there must be a positive for every single person is just bizarre to me. Who cares that much?

I hate to be the one to say it, but you all know that absolutely, categorically, no one can win this argument don’t you? It’s an opinion. runsandhides.

But everyone is different. Someone’s perception of something as positive will be another’s negative.

For me, there are no positives to having a dog. I don’t like their needy personalities, I don’t like them jumping on/licking me because I’m allergic and the contact makes me ill, I hate walking, don’t want to pick up shit, don’t want to hoover more and food/insurance/vets is expensive.

But to someone else the jumping/licking is cute, their needy character is a loyal friend for life, they enjoy daily walks and don’t mind the extra money and cleaning. Some people literally can’t be without one, their dog dies and while I think “but you’re free at last! Your house is tidy and doesn’t stink!” they have to buy another one straight away.

I don’t have to understand it but I wouldn’t waltz into their house saying I’m right and they’re wrong!

Yes, you’ve been very amusing! Bit hard work but amusing.

As always, women need to explain their choices. They can never win, can they? Especially childfeee women, there must be something wrong with them. How dare they not want/have children?