To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Yeah, last time I heard Jennifer Aniston has f all in her life 😂

Surely pwoplw need a reason to HAVE something, not a reason NOT to have it?

There is nothing in the lives of parents I ever wanted for myself.

i find any absolute statement a little unbelievable. But to give an example. Can you imagine a single nice thing you might do with a child? Teach a child to swim? Laugh with a child over a cartoon? Witness your child passing their driving test as a young adult? Literally nothing?

For balance, the reasons motherhood is a terrible choice are:

• pregnancy sounds awful
• pregnancy ruins your body
• childbirth destroys your ‘bits’ / pelvic floor
• kids are messy and ruin your house
• kids are noisy
• kids are boring
• you can’t do your hobbies like you want to
• you have to spend money on things other than yourself
• you can’t go for a haircut / run / night out exactly when you want
• my parents were shit and I don’t want to inflict the same on a child / they might hate you anyway
• there is a lack of good men
• I have a genetic disease

I can fully understand the last 3, totally….the rest though, the ones which have dominated the thread…less so

It's ok @hamstersarse. You don't have to get it, you don't have to understand :) just keep shush and move on with your life.

Really?? The ones I know are about 5 years away from being mortgage free and are putting together plans to travel as much as they can when that happens using only trains and boats.

I’m in mid 30’s now and I feel like I keep mentally checking if I want kids because I’m concious that if I did id need to get a move on.

But I don’t really. I have a niece who I love to bits which did make me pause and think of the love people talk about when it’s your own child BUT I still don’t really want them. I could only just afford it, my partner would be one of those men who panics at everything so I’d have to do al the mental load and to state the obvious it’s such a HUGE responsibility. I’d feel very guilty if I couldn’t give the child the life I wanted them to have. And there is a heap of mental illness to contend with.

I’m currently pregnant and want to have kids (it’s interesting that you appear to assume I don’t). So, yes, I can imagine those things, I hope to experience them and I assume they’ll be lovely.

However, as a rational and reasonably self aware adult, I’m also aware that not everyone thinks how I think or wants what I want. The fact that these things appeal to me doesn’t mean they won’t leave the next person absolutely stone cold.

I find it very strange that so many of you on this thread seem to be having genuine difficulty processing this. People are telling you, categorically and unambiguously, how they feel and you are incapable of believing them because it doesn’t square with your version of reality. It doesn’t speak particularly well of you.

Oh and I did have difficult parents. That does probably unconciously feed into it but also consciously because I have no support network who would babysit or offer advice etc so I imagine it would be very very lonely.

All of those reasons are entirely valid, but you missed: ‘I don’t want them’. Which is the only reason anyone needs.

And nobody has required that you understand their reasons.

The world would be a better place if we, as society, chose to question people's motives for having kids, not for opting out.

All kids deserve mature emotionally stable and available parents who genuinely love them and are attuned to their needs. Many many people are incapable of offering that, but still pop out babies for the stupidest reasons. Hence the rampant abuse and neglect that creates a perpetual supply of broken traumatised adults...

I don’t think it does. I haven’t read every single post (it’s a long thread) but I’ve seen several people state, as you say unambiguously, that they see only negatives. That is an unbelievable statement. There is no model for parenting, and as a parent, you get to pick. There must be at least one positive.

I have two kids and find this OP very rude. No woman should have to justify why they don’t want kids. How would you like it if someone asked you to justify why you have them?

I find women who ‘don’t understand’ or take issue with childfree women are often unhappy with their own choices. I’m guessing OP was frazzled one day trying to make it in time for school pick up in the rain and was jealous of the childfree woman on her way to the bar with friends to have a leisurely drink so thought she would come on here to try and play some weird game of top trumps.

I have two kids and would never have another one. I would never feel the need to explain myself as to why I don’t have more to someone with 3+ kids.

@hamstersarse tbf your list has all fair and normal points, none if these are rude or spiteful. What you should have included was

Women with children have no hobbies, aren't interesting, empty shells etc.
People who call parents breeders (r/childfree)

There's definitely vicious options from both sides of this stupid debate. This along with 'best age to have children/older and younger parent threads can go in the bin

i find any absolute statement a little unbelievable. But to give an example. Can you imagine a single nice thing you might do with a child? Teach a child to swim? Laugh with a child over a cartoon? Witness your child passing their driving test as a young adult? Literally nothing?

Those things sound tedious as fuck.

It seems as though you would enjoy those things though so crack on and make some people to do them with. Don't let the choices that other women make spoil your enjoyment of swimming lessons or whatever

There is no model for parenting, and as a parent, you get to pick. There must be at least one positive

Why do you care? Why are you and others like you so very invested in insisting that childfree women don't know their own minds. That people like you need to come along and say no look, there must be one positive. Why? Is it that misery really loves company? Can you not bear to see women with happy fulfilled lives that don't involve kids? It's just so weird.

"I want a child so I can see them pass their driving test"....said no person ever. As for the other things, well there are nephews/nieces for that.

Well @BomboChipolata after all very few things in life are entirely good or entirely bad. One might argue getting cancer also has silver linings in that it shows you how lucky you are to have loved ones to band around you/teaches you to appreciate life more/helps you discover a level of strength you never knew you had/etc...

Does that mean i should find it desirable to get cancer?

Likewise, if pressed I can find the silver linings of parenthood. But I will still nope out of it...

There must be at least one positive.

Why? Because you say so? Because you know the mind, thoughts and motivations of other people? Or simply because you cannot fathom anyone who feels completely differently to you?

I think you should read my comment again, as ‘I don’t think it does’ isn’t a response to anything I’ve said. Unless you’re agreeing that it doesn’t speak well of you.

You’re saying you find every single activity imaginable tedious?

It is perhaps one of the most remarkably stupid comments I’ve ever seen on here. “You don’t want to have kids?! BUT YOU CAN LAUGH AT CARTOONS WITH THEM! Ha, there’s a positive!”

I’m saying because logically, there must be at least single positive in the entire gamut of imaginable experiences in a lifetime of being a parent. At least one!

I want a child so I can see them pass their driving test"....said no person ever. As for the other things, well there are nephews/nieces for that.
Not trying to argue here, but if there's things you enjoy with other children in your family then there clearly are some (very minor) positives to children...

Not enough to make you actually have your own if you don't want them, but they do exist.

I said earlier I don’t care, just that I’m sceptical of such absolute statements.

That’s not the point I’m making. I’m not saying anyone should desire children and I don’t care in the slightest if someone doesn’t want children.