To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Please say Team shoes off?

I was a bit on the fence over kids. It was DH who wanted them. I still feel my life would have been good without them.
My sister has never wanted them.

1. Our own upbringing. Critical, depressed and mentally unwell mother
2. She has chronic illnesses which she worries will be hereditary and also deals with a lot of fatigue. Obviously not great when a mum.
3. Terrified of pregnancy and birth.
4. Loves babies but finds them annoying as they get older.
5. Likes her freedom too much
6. Would not be able to afford them.

I definitely don't question why people don't want kids, there are plenty of reasons why.

You’re exhibiting all the characteristics that you’ve described as ‘taking offence’ in other posters.

I didn’t ask why you’d responded to the thread. I asked why you were still here.

If said horse racing forum comprises hundreds of thousands of threads on make up tips and interior design advice, then it’s an excellent place to go for them. So, yes, do please scoot off to false equivalency land. Best of luck.

Please say Team shoes off?

Yes that is indeed my team and I will die on that hill😄

Thank god, I'll be there right next to you!

Indoor shoes on is utter madness.

None of my posts say it's just for mums or just for parents 🙄

Some of the people watching this thread have read my posts (incorrectly) and interpreted them as this just to be offended.

So funny to see how easily people get wound up on here.

‘Having children doesn’t trump all other kinds of love’. But that’s exactly it. Yes it does for the vast majority of mothers. The love for their child does exactly that- trump all other kinds of love.

This is idealised, I’m afraid. There are lots of shit mothers, lots of unloving mothers, lots of mothers who care little to nothing for their kids. Mothers who pick men over their kids, mothers who abuse their kids, mothers who abandon their kids. The ‘greatest love’ trope ignores all of this and it really isn’t helpful. The fact that these women exist makes it very clear that, no, the love of one’s child doesn’t trump all kinds of love for everyone.

So, when people (who know themselves) go ‘nope, I wouldn’t feel that way’, I think we should do them the courtesy of believing them.

Indoor shoes on is utter madness

It is! I lived in the Middle East for a while and that really entrenched it for me. People took their shoes off in the entryhall when going into someone's home, without being asked and without exception.
I also miss bum guns.

Or maybe all those women became mothers because they were lacking that love elsewhere in their lives and therefore felt an urge to have children to fill that void. Do you see how offensive that sounds? That is how offensive you are being.

The ONLY experience you can speak of is your own, yet you seem to think you can speak about how others live, love and experience the world. There are many mothers for whom maternal love doesn't trump all, just look at all the cases of abuse we see where women continually choose partners over children.

But that’s exactly it. Yes it does for the vast majority of mothers. The love for their child does exactly that- trump all other kinds of love

I'm not disagreeing with that, it's probably true for many and you'd know better than me on that front. But - it's actually that which to my mind is one of the least appealling aspects of the whole business. I'd feel like such a hostage to my own emotions and hormones. And it's so unequal, you'll always love them more than they love you, at least once they get older. I'm genuinely happy to avoid that.

Ah the old attempt at a slinging a sleep insult to a parent... Of a baby that sleeps 12 hours every night.

I'm not offended. When you have kids you have very little time to be offended to be honest

Oh look another reason why we are inferior!

Offended, nah.

Mildly irritated because of the dull and predictable turn to this thread, somewhat.

There's a Dinnerladies gag I want to quote about getting ones dander up, but I can't remember it and too tired to look it up.

Has it occurred to you that some people came here via something that has nothing to do with children?
They may have been Googling paint colours, where to buy decent trousers, what brand of something to buy. Any one of the billion things that are talked about every day on here. Then, they saw that this was a female centred forum that they enjoyed and stayed.

Perhaps if you stopped quoting me in your replies it would help.

You guys have been a hoot.

Oh yes you are finding parenting such a breeze! If you are going to post rubbish like this you should probably name change as otherwise you look rather silly.

Of a baby that sleeps 12 hours every night.

Your baby isn't of any interest to me.

It’s funny because most parents I know are capable of being offended and slighted over the most minute and ridiculous things involving their kids. I’ve a friend who was raging for a week that a person behind her at the check out didn’t wave back at her toddler. A WEEK.

She said…quoting me in her reply. These sorts of people never seem to have any self awareness.

You can hide the thread, you know? As you’re so busy, tending to your DC (which none of us who disagree with you have, clearly) and playing MN monitor.

It is the loss of identity and reduction of the individual, you say your friend is the same ‘underneath’ which suggests she has changed significantly and not for the better. I will be interested to see if these women re emerge in 10 or 20 years but in reality for many of them they will never be able to regain that which was lost.

This depends entirely on having a strong identity in the first place! I would say the opposite - having children has made me. I had a terrible childhood, no boundaries, a poor knowledge of myself, then I had children and I grew into myself. I love who I am now.

Expensive
Noisy
Boring
They restrict your choices
They ruin your body
They are messy and dirty
They're annoying
They vomit regularly, and cause you to vomit during pregnancy (I'm emetophobic)
Ultimately...they take away your ultimate sense of yourself. You have to put them first. You have to be prepared to die for them. I'm too selfish for that.
I have known since I was 10 that I didn't want kids. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that if I got pregnant I would terminate as soon as possible. The idea of something growing inside me and feeding from me makes me feel panicky.

When me and my husband got married 45 years ago, we weren't too bothered about having children, but three years later, I puked up my contraceptive pill due to a nasty bout of food poisoning. Pregnant as a result. We were quite shocked, but happy to go ahead with the pregnancy. However, at around seven weeks, I had a very painful and messy miscarriage. I didn't know that one person had so much blood inside them. The result was a hysterectomy in order to save my life. TBH, we just accepted it, and got on with our lives. Our contemporaries were sprogging left right and centre, and we were glad that this wasn't on the cards for us. But it was very tiresome when people used to utter those immortal words, 'well, you can always adopt'. No! We were happy to be childfree.

I think that having a child is a bit like shoving your hand into the Bran Tub at the Church Fete. You don't know what you'll be getting, child-wise. A relative of mine has a son and a daughter, both adults now. Both have had a good upbringing with plenty of love and support, but the girl is a nightmare, self-harming, eating disorder, reckless behaviour. I feel bad for her, but the heartache she has caused her parents and younger brother is off the scale. She has been diagnosed with BPD, but she keeps on pressing the self destruct button. It has destroyed them as a family. I know that we could never cope in that situation.

Women who haven’t had children just can’t know what it’s like.

How about this to blow your mind....

Love is subjective. I don't know how you love, you don't know how I love.
In your experience the love for your children Trump other loves. For other women and men it is more nuanced and difficult.

The love I feel for the people in my life who are important (mostly my dog to be honest) is important to me.
The love you feel for kids, husband, air fryer, is important to you.

You don't tell me my love is meaningless and I won't tell you yours is.

FWIW I was brought up with a mother who didn't love me and who I didn't love. It happens. So quit with the "only mothers understand love" bollocks or I might need to remind you about Rose West.

thesurrealist
'Me cone's out, me dander's up.....'

That's the one! I just knew someone on here would know it!

There's another one about when he couldn't be bothered to get his dander up....?

You can only feel love from your point of view. It is impossible to know if the love you feel for your child is stronger than the love someone else feels for their dog/partner/motorbike. You can't know. You can only say that for yourself.