To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Right, but the vast majority of the forum - at least the most popular parts - are rarely used to discuss parenting.

Funny that cos the strapline on the logo reads... 'By Parents for Parents' and apparently it's 'The UK's most popular website for parents

So what? It's not like they demand proof of parenthood before you join.

I agree. Women can choose not to have kids for any reason at all.

But throughout this thread we've seen quite a few attempts to 'reason' with the childfree, as is typical in such discussions. As in, of course you can climb Kilimanjaro and have a stunning career and a glittering social life when you have children. The assumption being that of course, women want to have children. They're just afraid to do so because they think it will 'ruin their life'.

When in reality many of us simply don't want children because we don't want to. I also don't want to have a pet budgie or take up Zumba. It's just not attractive to me.

It’s one of the UK’s most popular websites, and probably one of the biggest (if not the biggest) women-oriented discussion forums in the world.

i joined mumsnet for the same reason I joined Reddit 🤷🏻‍♀️ admittedly also motivated by the same instinct that causes people to slow down and have a good look when they pass a car crash.

Yeah I'm just here for the terfing 😂

Ok so you to know why a woman doesnt want a child and say you dont understand why.

Why did you have children if you spend so much time away from them? Holidays without them, weekends away with them, nights out without them.

Why not just stay without children? Or is it just because you like a noisy house?!

This is the thread I’ve been looking for! I’m 32 and about to get married and I flip flop between wanting them and then being like oh god no.

The main reason I usually sway towards not wanting one is because frankly no parents I ever speak to ever have anything good to say about the experience. I ask a lot of people and always get a response about how hard it is, how tired they are, how broke they are, how stressed they are and then they follow up with “but I couldn’t be without them” or “but it’s worth it for the smiles”. I completely understand there must be moments of joy but from all the feedback I’ve had 99% of the time they’re in a living hell?! Are people just saying it because now they actually can’t be without them because you can’t just get rid of your child? I think I want one because I want to have a family of my own but then I speak to others or spend a few hours with my three year old niece and I’m like no I don’t think I could do this full time.

would love to hear the other side of things though if anyone does have any winning arguments for having one but at the moment I just feel like the risk of it being hellish and also financially we are in such trying economic times/the world is already overpopulated is it just a completely selfish want of mine?!

What do you want then, do you think women who haven’t children yet should be allowed? Pregnant women? Who’s allowed here?

Pushy women who seem to think a woman’s opinion is utterly invalid unless it aligns with their fanaticism about child-bearing. Outrageous women who are denying women’s lives experienced traumatic birthing experiences.

We got so far before a post like this.

I joined when I was TTCing. I had huge support during my IVF and subsequent miscarriage. So I’m not a parent. I consider myself to be childfree rather than childless.

Anyway, is it ok with you if I still hang around on one of the very few women centred corners of the internet or shall I go off to barren old hag net?

Not sure you can say Women-orientated on here (not very inclusive).

I'm simply stating what mumsnet's whole marketing says on their logo and google info...I personally find it strange there is so many people on here anti-children / anti-family when the whole premise of the site revolves around parenting in one form or another, give or take the general threads as add ons.

Like joining a motorbike forum just to say you don't drive a motorbike and hate bikers. Would seem a bit odd.

Absolutely this, I really don't like children, can't relate to them at all.

@VeronicaFranklin Wow so you’ll say that little inclusive disclaimer; I guess that’s for men? But you’re saying that women without kids shouldn’t be here.

How very inclusive indeed.

I often wish I did feel a biological urge or desire as then you are clearly a lot less bothered about all the logical reasons not to. I might also be more persuadable if I was a man.

I get queasy about pregnancy and childbirth, I constantly hear about the damage done and the battles to get back in shape. The stories of miscarriage and stillbirths are especially horrendous. I do not like very young babies, including their smell, they are little aliens. I can’t bear the tedious repetitiveness of toddlers or junior school age children. Or the know it all ness of teenagers. They are expensive, you need more stuff, you often end up with a car, a bigger house, your carbon footprint increases. You start saving for their university degree. You can’t go away when you want, to the places you want. You will worry about them until the day you die. I am suspicious of pronatalism, where women are subtly or even overtly told that is their duty in the world. I don’t want to constantly feel I’m not doing my job or my kids justice. I don’t want to pay a motherhood tax. I value my independence and above all solitude. It’s not easy growing up in the modern world, it’s highly competitive whilst at the same time we tell them they are special and can have anything they want.

And that’s if you have an NT, physically healthy kid.

Another benefit of not having children is you'll never be expected to give up your time in your later years to look after grandchildren or be slated on MN for saying "nope". 🙊

Im more concerned about what people are believing about motherhood, that just because it’s hard and challenging means you shouldn’t do it. That because it’s not perfect insta life all the time it’s not worth doing it. I’m tuning into certain comments such as about bodies being ruined as they strike me as inherently sexist….comments about pelvic floor? Who gives a shit. Is it men? Or is it women needing to present themselves well for men? I don’t know but there is something off about some of the reasons why women are rejecting motherhood more than they ever have

But that's the thing, it doesn't matter what YOU think of peoples reasons because you aren't the grand decision maker. They are their reasons, just because you don't like them it doesn't make them any less valid.

And obviously women aren't capable of taking about their own bodies without it being about men? FFS and you talk about other people being sexist, that's the most sexist assertion I've read on this thread

priam 💐 you are always welcome x

Also who’s ‘anti kids on here’? Just because we don’t or can’t have them doesn’t automatically make us anti-kids. You do know we have sisters, nieces, mother’s, friends right?

The most popular part by far is AIBU, where posts nine times out of 10 have nothing to do with parenting.

Like joining a motorbike forum just to say you don't drive a motorbike and hate bikers. Would seem a bit odd

A lovely example of a false comparison, there.

I actually think I might delete my account.

Me crumpets I’m anti-kids! Two of mine are still coming down the stairs asking me random shite 🙈😂

Sigh.

So many areas don’t involve children.
Books, TV, cooking, clothes, decor, films, music, pets…..

It’s not like joining a motorbike forum and not liking motorbikes. More like joining a general motorised vehicle forum and not liking motorbikes.

Our sex education in the early 1970s put off most of my school year from having children. It was horrific.

Good for you.

Cheerio.

Guess I’m off to the Reddit echo chamber. I always thought it was healthy not to get stuck in echo chambers but clearly not welcome here.