To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Epidemiology is the control of contagious diseases.

But that’s an unusual scenario. Out of all my friends, only I am not in contact with my mother (for very serious reasons, not just personality clash). In the absence of extremely toxic behaviour, generally adults keep in touch with their parents, to varying degrees. Only on MN do I regularly see mums who are NC with all 15 of their children. In real life it’s quite rare. I’m willing to bet the majority of visitors to nursing homes are the kids of the occupants rather than friends, colleagues etc.

It's definitely not unusual. Maybe in your circle. You speak to the carers in nursing homes and I'll bet it'll open your eyes. I also never said it was a fairly popular consensus it was merely an example.

Not really much to struggle with.
You always wanted them.
I always wanted to be childfree.

Yeah, what do I know.

Lol no...

By definition, epidemiology is the study (scientific, systematic, and data-driven) of the distribution (frequency, pattern) and determinants (causes, risk factors) of health-related states and events (not just diseases) in specified populations (neighborhood, school, city, state, country, global).

Lol. Choosing not to have children does not mean you’re striving for a ‘insta perfect’ life. I mean, there’s a whole Instagram market that depict children as a requirement for a perfect life, which also goes to disprove that particular misconception.

I’m sure if you want something it’s worth going through hard things for. But what possible motivation would anyone have to go through hardship for something they don’t want? You seem to think child-related hardship is something people should want to go through, or be obliged to because it’s ‘meaningful’ or some other shit.

Nihilism tends to be conflated with pessimism and (self) destruction, but I think it’s fucking liberating to embrace the freedom to make your own choices, rather than living by someone else’s beliefs in regards to ‘the meaning of life’. I’m very happy for you that you have beliefs that bring you happiness and/or comfort, but what does that have to do with anyone else?

very mild and occasional urinary incontinence (think a dribble when jumping or laughing too hard)

Lol yeah but for some women premature "occasional urinary incontinence" isn't something they think is worthwhile.

@hamstersarse a number of women here have posted their different and varying reasons but you’re focused and offended by the ones that talk about the potential physical impact. Why are you so quick to dismiss their reasons? It’s their bodies and that’s how they feel! Pregnancy and childbirth isn’t a magical or beautiful experience for a lot of women. Whatever their reasons, no matter how big or trivial who the f* are you to tell them they are wrong.

So this was a thread asking for women without children why they may have made that choice or are at peace with that outcome and it becomes a thread of women convincing other women why they’re wrong 🤣🤣🤣

Oh nothing changes.

Im more concerned about what people are believing about motherhood, that just because it’s hard and challenging means you shouldn’t do it

I didn't have children because I genuinely didn't feel any urge to. It was nothing to do with messages about it being hard or challenging, I just.... wasn't interested. That's okay. It should be okay.

Re. the fears about pelvic floor etc. That has nothing to do with appearance, and everything to do with the fact that some women are left with lifelong difficulties in terms of continence, prolapses etc. And they should have every right to factor that risk into their reproductive choices.
The fact that you think it's about physical appearance is actually very dismissive and paints women who choose not to have children as shallow. It's unfair.

I guess maybe hanstersarse does indeed have a hamstersarse and is projecting hard on this thread to convince herself everything is okay. Am I allowed to be rude too?

It is very reductive and simplistic to assume that all women who didn't want children don't because of what you perceive as vanity about pelvic floors.

For women who have that as a reason then maybe respect their own personal views.

For many women the thought of damage to our bodies doesn't even come into it because the reasons why we don't want them go beyond the risk of injury and pelvic floor weakness. We have simply never thought about a life with children in it.

I’m sure if you want something it’s worth going through hard things for. But what possible motivation would anyone have to go through hardship for something they don’t want? You seem to think child-related hardship is something people should want to go through, or be obliged to because it’s ‘meaningful’ or some other shit.

So many posters here, including the OP, think that women choose to have children for negative reasons. They want to avoid the financial hardship, the physical consequences, the lack of sleep and so on.

This despite the fact that I and several others have said that we simply do not want children. At all. Even if I was a multi millionaire, guaranteed an easy birth and a healthy, placid child who slept though the night, I still wouldn't want a child.

Why is that so very hard to believe?

Yes, but you were still wrong about what epidemiology is 🤣🤣

I just looked up some actual numbers for you. Here's a research study on the prevalence of pelvic floor disfunction post childbirth:

For outcomes, researchers used stress urinary incontinence (SUI), overactive bladder (OAB), and anal incontinence (AI), defined using validated threshold scores from the Epidemiology of Prolapse and Incontinence Questionnaire, and pelvic organ prolapse (POP), measured using the Pelvic Organ Prolapse Quantification Examination.

For spontaneous vaginal delivery (reference), the 15-year cumulative incidences of pelvic floor disorders after first delivery were as follows: SUI, 34.3% (95% CI, 29.9%-38.6%); OAB, 21.8% (95% CI, 17.8%-25.7%); AI, 30.6% (95% CI, 26.4%-34.9%); and POP, 30% (95% CI, 25.1%-34.9%).

Hardly a rare occurrence, would you agree?

Full study here www.ajmc.com/view/firsttime-mothers-giving-birth-vaginally-have-higher-risk-of-later-pelvic-floor-problems

It is a rather strange view that any women who consider their physical health when thinking about childbirth, must only be thinking of it because of men, and not because they might want an intact working body for themselves.

I’m sure if you want something it’s worth going through hard things for. But what possible motivation would anyone have to go through hardship for something they don’t want? You seem to think child-related hardship is something people should want to go through, or be obliged to because it’s ‘meaningful’ or some other shit.

Well said.

Hamster seems to think that the morally right default setting for women is motherhood, so women need a good enough excuse or reason for getting away with not fulfilling that moral duty.

Some women just don't want kids. I do, very much so. Always have, since I was very young. I understand plenty of women don't. We are individuals.

I'm baffled that some PP like Hamster don't seem to genuinely respect a woman's right to choose being child free. They seem to somehow assume it's vain or cruelly selfish somehow to not want a child.

Bizarre.

I think one of the main reason was that I grew up in a toxic environment. It put me off the concept of family for life.

I also never met a reliable man I would want to have kids with.

I think I could maybe have adopted rather than had biological children as I would never want any child to share my family traits.

But I I am also not made for domestic routine or looking after other people so it is probably best that I never had a family.

Oh fgs stop it @hamstersarse . You're embarrassing yourself.

Women get to just not want children. And it doesn't matter how exaggerated or not the risk to your pelvic floor or the sleepless nights or the bloody "journey of motherhood". If you don't enjoy the sensation of banging your head against a wall, it doesn't matter that the odds of permanent brain damage are tiny; you don'f like doing it.

Just stop.

I have health conditions that:
a) are inherited genetically

b) I wouldn’t want my child to be burdened with (by having a mother who can’t give them everything they need emotionally/mentally/physically)
c) I wouldn’t want my child be at risk for potentially developing themselves
d) make me prone to mental breakdowns when under stress
e) mean I need my sleep
f) mean I might struggle to conceive (I don’t want to put myself through the heartbreak)
g) would give me a high risk pregnancy
h) make it hard enough to get through the day already

I suppose I could ignore all of those reasons if I really really wanted to have my own child. I know I could try harder. But I don’t want to, I really don’t have that urge and I never have. I’m content with being an aunt.

but even if the sole motivator is to avoid the overtly shit things, I don’t get why that’s a big deal. What’s with the belief that it’s somehow cheating to want to avoid those things, or that it’s wrong to choose to avoid, well, avoidable hardship? No shit I’m going to avoid going through hardship for the sake of something I have zero interest in! I’m neither a masochist nor inclined to provide misery with company.

It seems like a weird hangover from Protestantism, the idea that suffering is necessary and you’re only worthy as a human being if you submit to it. And to think it’s nihilism that’s condemned as miserable 😬

I think people are being so down on motherhood because, as this thread shows, a simple ‘I don’t want children’ just isn’t good enough for some people. So you have to justify it.

I don’t want them because I was sexually abused as a child by my dad. I’d be terrified of not being able to protect them and wouldn’t ever be able to completely trust any man with a daughter. I don’t think that would be healthy for anyone.

On top of that though, I just don’t have that drive. We’re over populated, it wouldn’t surprise me if nature was playing a hand in driving down women’s desire for children or maybe it’s just that we have a choice now and this proportion of women have always not wanted children.

Funny that cos the strapline on the logo reads... 'By Parents for Parents' and apparently it's 'The UK's most popular website for parents'

Why do you need to understand it though? How does it impact or affect your life?

At least you know you are narrow minded though.

As for your friend, maybe she doesn't want children because she knows she can. If she did end up pregnant, her only option isnt termination she because she has previously said she didnt want them. She is allowed to change her mind at any time and reserves the right to do so without questioning from you.

I also know a couple of women who say they don't want children because they can't and find it easier to hide behind that than deal with Moms telling them their time will come etc.