To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

@Daleksatemyshed

i do ask my young adult DSs when they will have children. They both want them ‘by the time they are 30’ and are looking forward to it

I’m sure there will be some criticism of that too 😁

I just don’t particularly enjoy this thread slagging off motherhood and reducing it to ‘losing your body’ or the birth itself. I get that people may not want to have children, I just question why women speak of motherhood in such derogatory and reductionist terms

@hamstersarse regardless of the OP’s intention her question is for childfree women who don’t want children. So if you’re not happy with this thread start your own that waxes lyrical about motherhood.

Probably the nastiest post I’ve ever seen on MN. Congrats, I guess.

Same. She should be ashamed. She is no feminist.

Yea fair enough monsteramunch. I’ll own that, it was a cunts trick. Apologies thanksithaspockets. I was pissed off with what you said as I saw my sister have to make that choice, but I didn’t need to write that wanky message.

Thank you so much! 🥹

I hope your boy continues to love life and fight for as long as possible for you. You'll definitely know when it's the right time, I was worried I wouldn't know but you definitely do.

They bring us so much joy, I wish we could keep them longer. 😭 it's so unfair that we only get to keep them for a short time.

i’m not meaning to be offensive, I’m sorry.

Im more concerned about what people are believing about motherhood, that just because it’s hard and challenging means you shouldn’t do it. That because it’s not perfect insta life all the time it’s not worth doing it. I’m tuning into certain comments such as about bodies being ruined as they strike me as inherently sexist….comments about pelvic floor? Who gives a shit. Is it men? Or is it women needing to present themselves well for men? I don’t know but there is something off about some of the reasons why women are rejecting motherhood more than they ever have

*The feminist solution currently seems to be ‘don’t have children’ to the problem that motherhood presents for women economically.

I think that’s a mistake, that’s all.*

As a childfree woman I want feminism to represent the whole range of women - including women like me and women like you.

I want feminism to support choice - choice to have children, choice not to have children. Choice to have a lifestyle that suits you and be treated as an equal in society to men.

I guess I'm just a better feminist than you then.

That was my comment. It’s no meaner than somebody saying they knew someone with toxic adult kids and don’t want that for themselves. I don’t mean I want my kids to live down the road from me and be round my house all the time (although I’ll be secretly thrilled if they do!). But it would be nice to keep in touch wherever they are, celebrate their achievements, see them now and then on festive occasions etc.

I didn’t say all childless/free women are like that - just quite a few of the ones I know. We only have our own experiences after all.

I've seen too many parents who shouldn't have had children, I'm including my own parents in this and my mother's reason for having me, which I won't go into, explains a lot if how I was treated.

I've lost two children and in all honesty it was, in my mind, for the best as my relationship was horrific. I never bothered to try again as my health suffered too.

I'm now a devoted "mother" to my cats, I don't feel I've missed out. I have a maternal instinct but for my animals. I don't care what happens to me when I'm old, I know someone with five kids and not one visits her and haven't done since they made their own way in the world. Having kids is no guarantee that'll you'll not end up alone in old age.

It’s not possible in all scenarios. Sometimes baby is stuck very low and you’d have to pull them back up again for a CS which can really damage them. I had a forceps delivery. Happy to say I’ve not leaked a single drop of wee, ever, and have no lasting damage. Childbirth is inherently dangerous and agonising and saying otherwise is daft. There’s very little choice involved, and that’s the way it has to be.

What an awful thread.

How… how did this thread deteriorate so badly?

I think women care about their pelvic floors for themselves. They give a shit. They're the ones who have to live with any damage they sustain.

I know someone with five kids and not one visits her and haven't done since they made their own way in the world. Having kids is no guarantee that'll you'll not end up alone in old age

But that’s an unusual scenario. Out of all my friends, only I am not in contact with my mother (for very serious reasons, not just personality clash). In the absence of extremely toxic behaviour, generally adults keep in touch with their parents, to varying degrees. Only on MN do I regularly see mums who are NC with all 15 of their children. In real life it’s quite rare. I’m willing to bet the majority of visitors to nursing homes are the kids of the occupants rather than friends, colleagues etc.

Give women the choice, and more of them will choose to have fewer children, or none at all. This has been shown again and again, across cultures and countries.

There are 8 billion people on planet earth. We don't need any more. If some women choose not to have children, why is that a bad thing? There's nothing inherently great about reproduction. Why do women have to run their choices past you? Nobody is scrutinising your choice to reproduce. Nor should they.

FFS read what people are writing. They are giving their own reasons for not wanting kids. Stop telling them they are wrong or they don’t understand. It is so patronising. Actually the more educated women are the fewer children they have, there is nothing ‘off’ about it. To dismiss womens very reasonable concerns about their own health and wellbeing as being driven by women needing to present themselves to men is deeply deeply offensive.

comments about pelvic floor? Who gives a shit. Is it men?

uhmmm @hamstersarse pretty sure the people who give a shit would be the women peeing themselves and those who can feel their wombs hanging into their vaginas ...

Don’t want them, don’t want to give up my career I’ve worked very hard for, absolutely no interest in Peppa bloody pig and would much rather be a beloved auntie.

cuppasoupmonster genuine question but what happens in countries where forceps are banned?

Again only on MN do I read about truly awful birth injuries, double incontinence etc. Most women I know have no lasting injuries or very mild and occasional urinary incontinence (think a dribble when jumping or laughing too hard). This can happen to us as we age anyway. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but all this awful stuff is massively overrepresented on here. You’d think it was the norm.

Here we have the master of epidemiology cuppasoupmonster.

Ventouse or late stage EMCS? The latter can lead to subsequent premature babies, which is actually only just being realised.

Thank you, it felt quite cathartic to write it all down. I don’t ever confide this to anyone IRL as it is very difficult to discuss. It is indeed sickening and horrific to be stripped of ones’ physical autonomy, but it happens all the time. I had to give written consent for my husband to have a vasectomy, and both single men and women are routinely denied sterilization “because you might meet someone and change your mind”. Complete reproductive freedom is a myth.