To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I knew deep down that I would be an appalling parent and there's enough of those in the world already. I'm incredibly selfish and like my own company too much. I like things on my terms. However, I am a fabulous auntie. They've all grown up but know where to come if they need anything or a shoulder to cry on.

Met DH in my mid twenties and we always thought we’d have kids but as we got older we never seriously discussed it. We were to busy enjoying life. Then in our mid thirties we had a conversation and decided neither of us were that fussed. Personally I think if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids you shouldn’t have them.

I don’t hate children. I just never had the urge to have one of my own. The day to day drudgery of life can be bad enough as it is, let alone adding a child and all their needs and wants to that.

I’m 40 now so people have finally stopped asking me if we are having kids which is nice. Oh and I have a fabulous relationship with my parents so nothing to do with that.

@hamstersarse For every person denigrating it (and honestly most mums I know say it’s dreadful and tell me not to do it), there’s another putting mums on a pedestal by saying only they can put another person before themselves, only they can feel a superior type of joy and depth of feeling.

The truth is somewhere in the middle.

What I find weird about this thread is the fact it is on Mumsnet...The UK's most popular forum for parents...and so many people lurking on here who aren't parents/don't like or want children so it strikes me as odd they'd choose to spend their time on here tbh.

Oh seriously? Please just fuck off with your fake 'I just don't understand' and look at one of the million 'why do non parents use mumsnet' threads. Kids are not the only thing talked about on this site, and having them isn't a pre-requisite for talking about parking wars, crappy neighbours, property, weight, feminism, style and beauty etc

@hamstersarse you have said
‘ a depth of feeling you’ll never get anywhere else literally because it’s the first time you care about something more than you care about yourself.
And
It’s hard, it’s challenging, it forces you to face every single part of yourself (good and bad), it forces you to find strength you’ve never had to find, it’s a responsibility that is sometimes hard to bear.’

These are not universals of motherhood, they are your experiences. There are plenty of parents out there who don’t find the strength, who don’t care about there children more than they care about themselves for you to try and make out that these are somehow universal is simply wrong.

Many care home workers can tell you heartbreaking stories of residents rarely visited by their children or not visited at all. Having children is no guarantee of not being lonely.

You are tired, the baby is screaming, you haven’t had a shower and your partner has fucked off to the pub, that moment is shit.

It’s hard, it’s challenging, it forces you to face every single part of yourself (good and bad), it forces you to find strength you’ve never had to find, it’s a responsibility that is sometimes hard to bear.

@hamstersarse You just listed a bunch of negatives, but when a childless person does it, you say they're being derogatory. Do you not see the irony? People are giving their view on what pregnancy/children/motherhood is to them, but it's ok when you say it's shit. Because you have children?

I didn’t think feminism routinely describes motherhood as a waste of time and ‘life ruining. Like it or not, the biggest differentiator between women and men is childbirth.

So what does that mean for women who don't want/can't have children? Don't go through childbirth?

I am a feminist, but I struggle with the narrative of women always equalling mother.
It annoys me that women's rights are often reduced to reproductive rights. It isn't inclusive.

It's interesting how all the "my kids complete me" posters never talk about the actual kids. That's one of the things I'll never understand. People have kids for themselves, not for the actual kids. They don't look around the world and think hang on, is it right to deliberately create more people to have to try and exist on this burning rock? Is it right to satisfy my desire to be a parent by making a person who will have to live a life that essentially is a few years of possibly happy childhood then just working til you die?! It's the ultimate in selfishness yet mothers in particular like to pretend that reproducing is some amazing selfless act.

Bugger I missed the delicious comment!

And I got criticised for saying this thread is nihilistic? This is the definition of it

I know people aren’t generally interested in my children so I don’t go on about them, that’s why I’ve not mentioned them. I’d happily talk about them if you want….but you don’t really want to hear it do you?!?

Put it this way, she’s no Oscar Wilde! It was just an angry shouty sweary response

Like it or not, the biggest differentiator between women and men is childbirth.

What does that even mean?

I've never given birth and, given that I'm 53, almost certainly never will. Completely through my own choice, I might add.

I'm not sure how that makes me less 'differentiated' from men than women who have given birth.

The feminist solution currently seems to be ‘don’t have children’ to the problem that motherhood presents for women economically.

I think that’s a mistake, that’s all.

Because that’s how they feel about it? Your way of viewing motherhood is just that - yours. Others are free to view it how they want to, and for some the negatives will outweigh the positives and be the most important factor to consider. There’s no one universal way to view motherhood, or indeed experience it. It’s not like humanity is, or ever has been, lacking in disinterested, reluctant, abusive, or even murderous parents.

Other people aren’t wrong because they don’t view it through the same eyes you do. Maybe you value what motherhood has put you through/revealed about yourself, but not everyone wants to or has to aspire to that, or find value in it.

like you I knew from a young age. I remember being 8 and people asking me and I would reply no because I don’t want them messing up my house. Almost 33 now and still no desire to have them. Partner feels the same. If I got pregnant I would have a termination, although managed to avoid any unwanted pregnancies so far.

I wasn’t really fussed by them until I met my husband. Didnt dislike them, just hadn’t been around many small kids and although cute I guess I found them a bit annoying after a while 😂 Once I had a miscarriage the urge to have a child got stronger, so perhaps a biological element also. I’ve always felt that If I had kids, I only wanted one. Growing up when I daydreamed about my future self etc I never had children in them, I was always travelling or going on adventures and had cool jobs. I now have one DD and wouldn’t have it any other way, but I suspect for those who don’t want one, there may not be an overwhelming reason, just no real strong interest or urge to have one. Just like I have no real interest in having more or dreams of a large family. Like all things, your drawn to do some things and not others. I was never someone who knew early on I had to have children or daydreamed about future kids.

You did cut out the part of my post that said motherhood is not this moment in time, if you place that back in you’d answer the question you’ve just asked

I think just not having the desire to precreate is the only legitimate reason anyone needs to stay childfree.
What is interesting to me - can you imagine anyone asking men this question? How often do you hear women asked when ( not if, but when) they'll be having a baby and how often do you hear any man asked the same thing? No matter how much society changes SO many people still think the only really good use of women's time is having children.
I remember 20 years ago telling a man I worked with that I was never having any children and his reply was "What;s the point of you then?" So that's me told!😁

What a shitty message. The needless 'and hateful' plopped in there for an extra dollop of passive aggressiveness. Could almost have passed for an empathetic post if not for that vitriol in the middle. To a woman, about her traumatic birth experience. Horrible.

😱

I understand what you mean. It’s a meaningless statement until you are in your own birth situation and have to weigh up the risks and benefits in that specific context. How weird that anyone would take offence at that

It doesn't answer it. You admit there are shit aspects to it, but are still getting annoyed when other people say there are shit aspects to it. Just because you think the good bits outweigh the bad bits doesn't mean there aren't bad bits, and it doesn't mean other people are wrong to not want to go through those bad bits.

What @hamstersarse is implying about women without children is incredibly hurtful and offensive. I’m out.