To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Ps the question wasn’t why you had them.

Please don't go just because of some goady twats on both sides. You're first post was a bit 🤔 but it has been interesting to see read this. All sides.

What I find weird about this thread is the fact it is on Mumsnet...The UK's most popular forum for parents...and so many people lurking on here who aren't parents/don't like or want children so it strikes me as odd they'd choose to spend their time on here tbh

Aw, we managed 20 pages until someone piped up with a comment about non-parents being on MN.
Most of the boards on MN are nothing to do with parenting at all.

@XenoBitch

You've replied to the wrong person - I was agreeing and being critical of that argument.

Having children there's no guarantee that they will look after us in old age. Many people move away or by the time we get old, they have commitments to their own children plus work, bills, etc

Bingo!

IMO, deep contemplation re. parenthood should be strongly encouraged so only those who truly want children have them,. Too many people just have them because they think it’s what you do when you are an adult, or they succumb to societal/familial pressure.

As for me, I knew from the time I was small I did not ever want kids. I even hated dolls and refused to play with them. Had my happy child free life all planned out. I married very young, an American, and we moved to the US. In the early 80’s I fell pregnant (intestinal flu and the the pill don’t mix) and there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted an abortion. I was 19.

The US state we’d moved to still required spousal consent for abortion. I took for granted that my husband would sign, but he refused. We lived in a very small remote community and I did not have a driving license, nor a support system as we’d just moved there. So I was stuck.

The child was born with a physical disability (thankfully one which did not keep them from adult independence) and an extremely difficult personality. I was stuck at home with them until they started school, and then a good day was when school did not call with complaints. I was working and attending evening classes and it was hellish. We took them to child psychologists, child psychiatrists, counselors. Helped a bit, but not enough.

The child is a middle-aged adult in very early 40’s now, financially and personally irresponsible, goes into debt over and over, occasionally asks for financial help, asks for advice and does the opposite, has two children with two different partners, and no contact with either. We don’t hear from them unless they want something. I have so much guilt because though I tried very hard, I really disliked parenting and still do ( I never told the child, obviously, but I suppose a person would somehow sense parental reluctance) and I’ve always known having the abortion would have been the only right decision for me.

The recent overturn of abortion rights in the US horrifies me. I well remember the utter helplessness and horror of being forced to carry out this pregnancy, when I knew without a doubt I did not want this, with no way out. No joy, no happiness, just terror and mental anguish. Having to pretend when others congratulated on the pregnancy. I am so sorry for all the US women who don’t have the means to seek abortions in progressive US states and will be sentenced to unwanted motherhood, and for the unwanted kids.

Threads like this always confirm that some people are as stupid as I fear

@containsnuts sorry... they may have a point I'm not keeping up with the kids... 🙄

I didn’t think feminism routinely describes motherhood as a waste of time and ‘life ruining. Like it or not, the biggest differentiator between women and men is childbirth.

of course, some women may not have children, of course there is choice but this thread is pretty inaccurate in the descriptions of what motherhood is about for most mothers:

I am therefore interested in how feminism supports women to have good lives when mothers. I don’t think the answer is to say “don’t have children”

I'm not the PP but the idea of both horrifies me too. The whole idea just makes me feel queasy, the idea of the parasite baby leeching off you for nine months, while you feel sick and horrible and uncomfortable supporting it, followed by hours of immense pain just to be given a screaming bundle of relentless responsibility and drudgery makes me want to cross my legs. Don't even make me think about breastfeeding, as the idea makes me physically want to heave.

Yet other people imagine pregnancy as a wonderful romantic time filled with joy, birth as a fabulous opportunity to meet their precious baby and breastfeeding as a beautiful bonding experience, so it just goes to show how different people can be.

Neither view is more 'right' or more 'worthy' than the other, they are just different

In what way?

It is so hard it is relentless. I am not the same woman.

Thanks hun, but after an assisted birth with ventouse which led to an infected episiotomy and my perineum basically falling away I don't need the Ladybird Guide to Birth Choices. Read my post again. I was specifically referring to statements in the conditional mood along the lines of 'I would decline forceps'. This is a meaningless statement, not an informed decision made by a woman in the context of her specific labour.

I have children, but I'm divorced with 50% custody, it's great, i love them but i get half my life to do all the things I enjoy as a child free person

luckypeonies thank you for sharing your honest views on motherhood and your experience. That was an incredibly personal account and it’s honestly moved me that you chose to tell your story. I felt sick reading that your husband had rights like that over your body. The US abortion laws are terrifying and a damn disgrace to say the least.

I didn't have them because I find babies and toddlers boring. I find parents talking about them boring. The idea of being pregnant horrifies me.

I thought for a while i might change my mind, but I never did. DH feels the same. We briefly considered fostering older children but ultimately we wouldn't be the right people.

Most of my friends are child free, we can do what we want, when we want. I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm so glad I didn't have them.

That's why.

You are incredibly rude thanksithaspockets. It is not a meaningless statement. How can it be when my sister declined forceps and had an EMCS? It is an option. And women should be aware of their options. Everyone has a right to an informed choice.

You could definitely take one moment in time and say that motherhood is the pits. You are tired, the baby is screaming, you haven’t had a shower and your partner has fucked off to the pub, that moment is shit.

But motherhood isn’t a moment in time, it’s the full journey, right through your life, punctuated with things that are shit but also moments of intense joy and a depth of feeling you’ll never get anywhere else literally because it’s the first time you care about something more than you care about yourself.

Its not even like I have had an ‘easy motherhood’. I did it on my own for the past 11 years. It’s hard, it’s challenging, it forces you to face every single part of yourself (good and bad), it forces you to find strength you’ve never had to find, it’s a responsibility that is sometimes hard to bear.

I just don’t particularly enjoy this thread slagging off motherhood and reducing it to ‘losing your body’ or the birth itself. I get that people may not want to have children, I just question why women speak of motherhood in such derogatory and reductionist terms

Honestly, because I can’t think of anything worse than sharing my hard-earned space with someone sticky, smelly and loud, who I have to teach to do absolutely bloody everything, whose conversation and table manners are dire, and who as likely as not will ruin half of what I own. And having to pay thousands of pounds for the privilege.

I’ve friends with kids and their lives look like hell on earth. They don’t seem to particularly enjoy it either.

I love my 3 kids with all my heart and I don’t regret having them. But as I edge closer to my youngest reaching 18 and freedom awaits me I can see more now than ever why some people choose not to have kids. I’ve been a parent since I was 16 though (46 now) so I guess I’ve been in that 0-18 life restriction for a long time, nearly 30yrs. My eldest son is gay, and doesn’t want children, listening to his reasons I must admit I hear him! And I never try and tell him otherwise. He enjoys his freedom, his holidays, his time to himself, his money to himself. He’s got me and his siblings and a close relationship with his grandma and cousins so he’s surrounded by family and lives with my mum, I reckon once she’s no longer with us he will come back to me!

Because they have different thoughts and views to the the thoughts and views you have. I find it astonishing that you can’t understand that.

What I find weird about this thread is the fact it is on Mumsnet...The UK's most popular forum for parents..

Yay! We have one at last! No thread about the childfree is complete without this post after all.

I'm perfectly happy to be considered rude by someone who hasn't understood my posts.

Have a simply lovely evening, won't you?

In all honesty hamsterarse I think it’s because we mums moan about parenting so much! Of course it sounds shits to women without children. I think we’ve only got ourselves to blame there!