To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I’m sorry to @DeniseDenis and @CNizzleand any others upset by this thread but questions like these bring out the flight or fight response. We were so used to backing down previously but the constant questioning and judgment from women like the OP, purplewisteria and hamsterarse asking us to explain our decision, telling us we have meaningless lives has brought out the fight mode. I am so tired of it.

That’s not true in my experience of childfree relatives, friends and my experience in the care sector.

Life is what you make it and that includes old age.

Here you go, @hamstersarse. If you sum up the percentages for emergency c-section, ventouse and forceps delivery you get 31%. Only 53% of women have a standard uncomplicated vaginal delivery. 1 in 3 deliveries are instrumental.

And that doesn't even begin to cover the long term effects of birth injuries, for which I can't be bothered to look up actual numbers...

In fairness, the OP's thread title is 'Why didn't you want children?', not 'Why do you not have children?'.

I can appreciate why you might find it upsetting, but you also have the option not to read the thread. As a childfree by choice woman, I find talking about it a good thing.

Further nails in the coffin of the idea of motherhood - I know two women who developed epilepsy after childbirth and weren't able to return to work on health grounds, and another who died in childbirth (the coroner described it as unavoidable). All in the UK, the death and one case of epilepsy in the last decade, both perfectly healthy before pregnancy.

Yes, it does. Fortunately I won't be dependent on anyone else to choose or finance my care. Better me than some offspring whose main eye is on maximizing their inheritance.

I worked in one in my 20s. It’s really no assurance at all.

Never had an urge to want children. I'm still relatively young and do have the option, but I like the carefree life. But I am worried, if it gets too late and I'll regret it! But the thought of babies and sick and poo and late nights are a big NO!
Maybe I'll change in the future? I also have an aunt who didn't have children and is a miserable old bitch and HATES children and I also do not want to end up like that. So I'm stuck on what to do. But no urge and never any urge

Never been that maternal tbh. I think I got that from my mother who made motherhood look absolutely miserable. She was a sahm ( her choice), did not want to work but neither did much with us. Money was always an issue and we never did much together.

Very traditional expectations of me, housewife or admin role if I did work. Boys were definitely a favourite, my brother got most of the attention & days out.

Determined to have a different life for myself and tbh I was never convinced about having a child in this country- women lose out from the moment they get pregnant. Career, money, pensions etc.

Once forceps are indicated due to foetal distress or failure to progress an EMCS means physically pushing the baby back up the birth canal into the uterus. This is exactly as brutal as it sounds. ‘I’d decline forceps’ is a meaningless and ignorant statement.

@cornhasthejuice I totally agree.
I'm not upset by people's reasoning, far from it, perhaps just the ferocity of option, especially from those with children if I'm honest. I too just want to be happy with life choices, and am certainly sick to the back teeth of anyone's womb-contents being something it's ok to feel you need to know all about.

Oh it's OK and thanks. It's not the polite responses from either camp. It's the steadfast determination you are WASTING your life. You aren't. 1) you can chose happiness 2) you don't know what will pass

Children are for people who can’t have cats.

Sadly, I do still feel it's 'frowned' upon to not have children. My future MIL constantly asks when we will be having kids - she has 3 grandsons already and they are a pain in the arse. She LOVES them, but I keep telling her I don't want them and she gets very upset about it. I don't understand the stigma, I wish there was no stigma.

I want that printing on a t-shirt 😂

thanksithaspockets I am aware of what refusal of forceps involves. I was with my sister when she declined (as per her birth plan). Yes of course it involves risks (potential damage to uterus being one). A ventouse delivery is also an alternative to forceps. Again, that carries its own potential risks and often an episiotomy may be required. Declining forceps is not a meaningless and ignorant statement. Women have the right to a choice. I’d recommend reviewing the potential risks of delivery methods prior to making any birth plan personally.

Is it really so hard to understand that people are all different?

OP for some people, living your life would be miserable. You find meaning in places others would find hell.

No one is right or wrong, but appreciating others differ from you would be respectful.

Why on earth did you have them? Biological urge

@somuchtolearnabout I have never had that biological urge. I have never felt broody. I have never felt that my life would be improved by having children. I led a full and satisfying life before DD was an unexpected surprise when I was 41.

My life is different now. not better, not worse, just different. I love her to bits, but my goodness she has caused me to worry over the years.

I don’t want children or cats, what’s for me? 😂

classical24 that’s shit that your MIL makes you feel like that. Everyone has the right to a choice and to not be judged for making that choice. I honestly think some (not all before I get slaughtered 😬) women are projecting when they bang on about having children. As though because they’ve done it, everyone else should.

Dogs bookstoreguy!

Books!

I’m selfish as fuck.

The thought of getting home after a long shift and having to look after a baby/children makes me shudder. I need “me time”. I want to be able to just get up and go without a second thought for someone else.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love kids though. I do. I love my nephews, nieces and my friends children so much. If it happened to me, I’d keep it. But I don’t actively want one.

I don’t want dogs either! I’ll go with @ILikeSofas suggestion of books I think!

OK, well in this hypothetical scenario I would prefer to be knocked out and have the baby pushed up the birth canal and then an EMCS, rather than forceps put up my vagina while awake. In some countries they are banned, so they must manage.