To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

And yes she has complained I think.

kc431 did your SIL have a follow up with a MW after? How is she doing now? With forceps, personally yes I think I’d refuse them and although plenty of people on here say ‘oh you’ll do anything’ for me, I know that would be having an EMCS. I have always made certain things very clear to my DH that should I start to ‘lose it’ a bit, he is to advocate on my behalf.

As someone who is has struggled with infertility, failed IVF, & miscarriages. Im starting to have try and get my head round a childfree life.
I thought this thread might show me the light that I need moving forward with my life, but instead it's shown me two distinct groups of women, neither of whom I foresee will ever fit with. The ease at which both camps are with their situations, and ability to feel their place in society (& judgemental of the other side) is so alien to me. I just wish for happiness either way.
Everyone's opinion on having kids or not is valid, whether you like them or not. Pity we all have to judge each other so much.

www.rcog.org.uk/for-the-public/browse-all-patient-information-leaflets/assisted-vaginal-birth-ventouse-or-forceps/

1 in 3 chance of assisted delivery for first time mums. Our bodies are clearly not designed to do this!

If you ask for a c-section just because those odds are unacceptable to you, you get called “too posh to push”…

For anyone reading this left in situations where the staff are ‘too busy’ to break your waters, make sure you have a trusted person to advocate on your behalf if that’s possible. Mention PALs if all else fails. It’s absolutely not right to be left for days and days with no Labour progress.

This is such a mean thing to say! Loads of people can't have or don't want children.

Odd thread.

The OP on threads like these doesn’t genuinely care or want to know. Because they spend the entire time batting back every reason.

I always knew I wanted kids. But it doesn’t take any imagination to understand why other people don’t.

Not everyone gets nice kids. Many people get little horrors. And if they have additional needs, life can be utterly, unrelentingly awful.

Compare that, with having freedom, flexibility, no responsibility, and disposable income, and it’s so obvious to anyone with any wit or wherewithal.

Oh and it’s absolutely your right to a c section and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. There are trust guidelines supporting this iirc.

I just feel no desire to have them. I can try and point to specifics, of not liking what pregnancy does to one's body, to not want to give up all the free time I have, etc, but all of those are secondary factors. When it boils down to it, I just have no desire to have them. I'm married, lovely DH who would pull his weight as a parent, but still, if I did accidentally become pregnant I'd have an abortion.

I assume it's the same for women with kids? I assume at least some of you don't have well-articulated reasons for why you wanted kids, but just a feeling that you did. That's the same for me, but in reverse.

As someone who can't have and wanted children, reading threads like this make me sad. It's shitty to start them and shitty to fight onwards. I think you can have a happy life with or without children.

@ComfortablyDazed Im a bit puzzled and thinking that, no reply to the posters answering the question only the combative ones etc. It’s nice to talk to other people about it all though even if op wasn’t interested.

Can you elaborate on “what pregnancy does to your body” please ?

Thanks for the link kc431 I’ll definitely have. Look at that. Im just trying to find stats on tears, bleeding to death, ptsd etc that was mentioned, not having much luck!

At the end of the day, it’s a personal choice isn’t it? Do what suits you, what suits your life, what makes you happy. I think deep down there will be many women that felt forced to have children because it’s the expected societal norm.

Having children is not a guarantee that you'll have a best friend and carer in old age.

She’s doing well now (well she’s enjoying the baby and is going on walks), I haven’t asked about the ins and outs of after birth. But she is someone who has always wanted to be a mum so I think she has taken it all in her stride and thinks it was worth it, whereas as someone who has never wanted children the whole experience sounds awful and terrifying to me. I would probably have ended up yelling/shouting at the staff from tiredness, but you can’t magic up more NHS midwives.

If I ever change my mind I would absolutely request a C-section, and go private if I could.

So sorry for what you're going through.

There is a middle ground on this thread that I'm seeing. People that have made the choice (or had the choice made) and can see both up sides and downsides.

I do think the downside to begin with for me is if you are in your 30s you are bombarded from all sides with people having babies and having their life revolve around children. I hope that will get better the older I get. I hope it becomes less of discussion and just something that just is or isn't.

Um. No that's not the mean part. It's the bit where you said "childfree women are fine until 60" but then lonely afterwards and also out of touch with modern life. I'm absolutely lolling that you're cool with that. And a bit embarrassed for you.

I was told at a young age that I couldn't have children. I honestly believe that had that not been the case, it's very likely I would have chosen not to have them.

It should be obligatory for every woman planning to get pregnant to read some of the horror stories on here.

Op, I was interested you said "What if your OH isn't around anymore? I worry I'd be lonely and I have many many friends but they've all got their own lives"

Is that what having children is really about for you. If so, I really hope you aren't disappointed as many are in old age.

I just never wanted them. I don’t dislike them, I think it’s entirely natural to want them, I just never did.

It's strange how we feel towards our dogs isn't it. I recently lost my 12 year old girl. She had a bad heart, cost me an absolute fortune towards the end, I was constantly worried about her, slept downstairs with her numerous times when she woke me at 4am poorly and I'd go through it all again if I could have her back even for a day. I'd have honestly done anything for her, nothing was too much trouble.

I feel like all my maternal urges are focused towards animals, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to have a child, never have. I'd have a house full of dogs if I could care for them all properly and they weren't so expensive to look after.

When my old girl died I knew I had to get another as soon as possible. I just couldn't live without a dog and I don't regret it at all. I've had her 12 weeks, she's distracted me through the grief of losing my other dog and it's so nice to have another to look after again.

"it's only a few years" of sleep deprivation 😂😂 I can't even cope a week with it!!

I honestly don’t know why you’ve taken so many of the comments to heart. You must have known there would be posters who’d say things you wouldn’t like to hear even when they’ve replied politely. And you must surely have also been aware you’d get the odd poster who’d be down right nasty just because they could.

It really doesn’t matter what women think of each other’s choices in this instance. Just be happy we all have choice in the first place.

I don't know.. the old age one is an interesting question.
I completely agree that having children is absolutely no guarantee of company at the care home, however it is slightly better assurance than friends that are also as decrepit as you are.
Perhaps not having children makes you plan a little bit more for that side of life? Because we don't have that hopeful fall back?

I've just never felt the desire to have children, much as I've never felt the urge to start supporting a football team, move to France or take up knitting. I don't hate them or anything, I just find children really quite disinteresting, though the older they are the better it gets.

Dogs on the other hand - love them. I've got a dog who I adore. Met up with a friend, their baby and their dog the other day. The dog was far more interesting to me than the baby. I presume those who want babies feel the same way I do about dogs.

If I started asking people who don't want a dog why they don't want a dog, and tell them they should get one regardless, people would look at me like I'm mad - but that's exactly what happens to childfree people all the time.

Apart from my lack of desire, other nails in the coffin have been being diagnosed with a genetic condition that any child of mine has a 50/50 chance of getting (unless I went down the rather invasive PIGD route), and spending time with friends children - perfectly well behaved, intelligent and objectively lovely children (really the best case scenario!) but for me they're simultaneously boring and exhausting. The nightmare scenario would be having a child with significant disabilities that will always need looking after. Plus the realisation that having a child is one of the least environmentally friendly things you can possibly do - a whole extra human worth of carbon!

I think a lot of people have children who really shouldn't - because it's the done thing, because society expects them to, or because "oops". I'm sure children's social workers would be a lot less busy if getting pregnant was always an active choice with even a cursory bit of questioning about why they want children.