To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Is there never room to apply reason to someone's opinion?
What would happen if everyone decided that childbirth was too 'horrifying'?
(We'd be extinct in a generation exactly)
Over 50% of women at aged 30 are now childless, so obviously a lot of people share this opinion that it is too horrifying to go through, however I don't think it is helpful for this opinion to be 'just validated' without any questions. Yes it's hard, but a straight up 'horrifying' is not really a valid opinion from someone who has never done it?

Hear that @XenoBitch ?? You being horrified is not a valid opinion so just give a go why don’t you?

@hamstersarse over 50% of 30 year olds? That’s a small number considering. Don’t worry there’ll always be women like you, OP and the rest to keep this dysfunctional planet populated.

It really is an astonishing level of arrogance which seems to be all born out of the fact that she has has easy births and can go on a trampoline.

Sounds fucking excellent tbf.

I honestly believe some of the best parents are those who choose not to have children.

As someone who can’t wait to have my own little family and have a little one on the way…

I totally understand and respect why some people choose to remain childless.

Pregnancy is hard. Children are expensive. Miscarriages broke me and I haven’t been the same person since. I’m scared of childbirth. I’ve had a couple of friends almost die during childbirth. Morning sickness was miserable. I’m going to have less money and time to myself.

I can totally see why some people just don’t want them. I have read a lot of the responses and can see why some wouldn’t want to.

I think you really do need to want children to put yourself and your body through this.
I love my little growing baby in me so much and would do this all again 100 times for them, but that’s because I really want to be a mum. I always have!

If I didn’t want children I really wouldn’t put myself through this

Didn't fancy literally years up to my elbows in someone else's bodily functions. Which is also why I'd never become a carer.
Childbirth horrifies me.
The early years look like absolute drudgery.
Like it or not, women are still the default parent and do most of the aforementioned drudgery.
Is that enough or am I just a nihilist?

My SIL went to NCT classes where she got told lots of wavey bollocks about breathing and how your body’s “designed” to give birth. She ended up being induced for a WEEK, then having forceps and a 3rd degree tear. Statistically, the chances of an instrumental delivery is something like 1/3 for a new mum. Those are awful odds. Men wouldn’t accept going for a knee op where there’s a 1/3 chance of it going wrong and your leg tearing, so why do we?

I wouldn’t be able to cope for a week in hospital surrounded by screaming kids, labouring mums and not being able to sleep properly. In my SIL’s position, I would have had a psychotic breakdown before the birth had even started!

At the end of the day I don’t want any of it because I don’t want the baby at the end. Even if I had millions of pounds lying around for a luxurious C-section at the Portland, night nannies, a personal trainer and boarding school, I still don’t want to be a parent.

Because I've always had 0 desire to have them. Right from a very young age I knew I didn't want them.

This isn’t a personal opinion but our bodies are not designed for childbirth, look up The Obstetrical Dilemma. That’s not the reason I don’t have children, I’ve been through surgeries and treatments etc (not comparing sorry) but it’s interesting to read.

Not saying that as a reason against, it’s just an interesting part of the topic.

I didn’t want the work, responsibility or expense that came with children. I didn’t want to be pregnant or experience childbirth either. I want to be able to earn my own money and build up a career.
I probably would have wanted children more if I was a man.

I have one toddler and really don’t understand why people would want large families. I’m undecided about a second, but I’m definitely not having more than that.

I don’t think we’ve had the ‘Why are you on MUMSnet if you don’t want children question’ yet? More than 400 messages in, I am shocked lol

@hamstersarse I’m struggling to understand how somebody who posts so extensively on the Feminism boards about feminism and protecting women’s rights and freedoms, is here on this thread effectively telling childfree women that they don’t know their own minds, that their reasons are silly, and calling them nihilists because they say they don’t want to be mothers. What figures?

@hamstersarse here's exactly how childbirth is absolutely horrifying for me:

Almost 100% chance of tearing or being cut - you don't know to what extent and how it will heal

A small chance of having 3rd ir 4th degree tears which might render you unable to control your bladder AND your bowel

The significant risk of being dismissed by medical staff, not listened to, humiliated, left to scream in agony because they can't or won't give you an epidural

An epidural fails in 1 in 8 women

A small risk of having the baby torn out of you with huge salad tongs (forceps) or venture

A small risk of bleeding to death

A small risk of your baby getting stuck and you needing emergency c-section, not knowing if either of you will survive

A small risk of the baby being deprived of oxygen due to cord around neck and sustaining brain damage

A small risk that you'll never have painless sex again

The risk of being left with PTSD due to any of the above

....

Sure, individually, the risk might be small for each of these scenarios. But when taken together, it's quite likely you'll experience at least one of those.

So take your arrogance and ignorance elsewhere please...

Obviously. Look at the likes of Angela Merkel and Rosa Parks! Such empty vacuousness is pursuit of meaningless venal pleasures. If only they’d had kids, then they could have really done something really meaningful with their lives! 😂

That is awful kc431 and sounds like your SIL had a very tough time. I hope she complained to PALs as I don’t think being left for a week in slow labour is the norm (I may be wrong though!) - I assume that’s what you mean as you wouldn’t spend a week being induced, it’s generally a quick procedure.

i was lucky in that I had 4 very straightforward births on the NHS with nothing but a bit of gas and air. It really does vary I think and my MW care was excellent. Such a shame it’s not like that across the board.

Your friend has given you plenty of good reasons why she doesn’t want them… also why do you care?

Yes I’m seeing a physio. It has improved but i’m nowhere near back to ‘normal’ sadly.

Pure and simply nosiness

random I don’t think that’s correct that a pregnant woman is ‘likely’ to experience one of those outcomes during labour. I’m happy to be corrected if there are some facts and figures around it though.

After my SIL’s birth horror story I read about if you could just refuse consent for forceps. You can, but everyone on the thread said “oh but by that point you’ll do anything to get the baby out safely, a C-section is more dangerous once they’ve descended”. I just can’t imagine not putting myself first and putting first this creature I’ve not even met yet, and not caring about the fact I could come to great harm. I don’t want to be in a situation where the “correct” answer is to not put myself first.

I’ve never even tried recreational drugs (and I’m well into the house and festival scene) because I’m scared of brain damage or a heart attack - and the odds of that are tiny! childbirth is SO dangerous and has VERY bad odds of something going wrong.

I chose not to because I was terrified at the thought that I might repeat the pattern of my own abusive childhood.

I told DH that on our second date! He wasn't fussed and we've been together for 40 years now. Our nurturing instincts are poured into our pets. We have absolutely loads, mostly rescues, and are just about to take on some more! We have a lovely life and we're very lucky.

I'm not childfree but I was completely ambivalent about having children, I would've been fine if it hadn't happened. I had one miscarriage and considered taking that as a sign - honestly I was more upset that my body "failed" than because of the baby. If I didn't have a partner who pulled his weight I would never have even considered it, I had no intention of being a SAHM and losing my financial independence, nor my hard-earned career.
The baby stage is rotten, I can't wait for my youngest to be mobile and verbal, my toddler has just started to become interesting to be around. Having children is - objectively - a stupid choice for women to make and is an expensive choice for anyone. I miss our city breaks, Sunday morning yoga and brunch, gigs every week and spontaneous nights out BUT I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I could go back knowing what I do, as much as I love my boys, I don't think I'd have the guts to do it again.

She was induced but basically nothing was happening, they kept saying they’d pop the waters but were constantly too busy. Then after the birth she needed an infusion but they were also too busy so that was delayed. In the end she was there for 8 days and was like a zombie! We went round to visit and she didn’t even remember us being there. The NHS might have been good years ago but nowadays I hear more and more awful stories.

Actually it is quite rude as I would have really liked children but can't have them so why bring up a sensitive subject for loads of people?