To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Maybe the ones who are traumatised don't want to talk about it because they get shouted down and told they're wrong - just like you're doing to everyone's opinions on this thread?

Could you be more specific?

There is also something quite nice about knowing that when you die you're not going to be leaving anyone behind in this unstable world. You could drop dead tomorrow without traumatising your little kid. No one is going to need therapy because you fucked up your parenting. You just get to live your life, enjoy what you enjoy, then it's over.

I also find black olives disgusting. Would anyone try to reason me out my opinion on them? Or realise that my reaction, just as it is with pregnancy/childbirth is a visceral one. I don't need to validate why I find something horrible.

I have a friend could not walk in her last trimester due to hip problems. Years after she had her DD, she still has to walk with a stick. She also very nearly died. Had an emergency C section and lost a hell of a lot of blood.

Another friend had her kid in her early 20s. Suffered prolapses shortly after, and had vaginal mesh put in. Has had nothing but problems and more operations since then.

Both really wanted kids. I don't want them, never have. Even if I thought he whole pregnancy thing was beautiful or miraculous, I would still not want to go through with it.

There are many women who find pregnancy horrifying and it can stop them trying to conceive. Tokophobia can be treated if the woman wants to go on to have kids. I am not one of those women.

I've commited the sin of not reading the whole thread.
OP I didn't have children simply because I didn't want to. Same as you wouldn't go on holiday to Uruguay or eat an ice cream if you didn't fancy it.
It really was that simple. I realise that some people feel an urge, whether societal or biological I'm not sure, but it's not something I've ever felt.

Having not had them, I have many more logical reason why I'm really happy with that choice involving the usual stuff about time, money and choices.

But you have been influenced by something that is wholly disproportionate.

Pushing a small human with a disproportionately large head being through a very tight space. Almost certainly tearing (up to ninety percent of vaginal births result in some extent of tear.) Possibly ending up with your vagina and colon being one and the same passage and requiring extensive surgery to repair (up to 2% of vaginal births.) Possibly ending up with a prolapse (anywhere between 25 - 40 percent of women who have given birth will experience organ prolapse.)

And all of those apparently “normal”, common birth injuries don’t even include things like post natal depression and psychosis, post natal seizures, and SPD which some women never recover from.

If somebody told me about any other lifestyle choice with those injury possibilities and statistics, I’d run a mile from it. So why are women pooh poohed and told their response to the idea of childbirth is “disproportionate”?

This is very true for my social group as well.

For me - I'm selfish and self centred and I don't like children. I'm glad I know this about myself, and I think more people would benefit from being honest about their own shortcomings before they have children, if looking at threads on MN are anything to go by.

I've had two abortions. Neither time I was pregnant did I change my mind -couldn't wait to get them over with to be fair ( and one was a surgical abortion at 16 weeks due to a fuck up with the NHS).

My husband and I have a comfortable enough life, but had we decided to have children it would have been financially ruinous as I would have had to give up work.

I have absolutely no problem with the human race dying out - it seems a peculiarly hubristic notion to think we have some kind of right to be here fucking up the planet in the way we are.

@BadNomad Yeah I feel relieved about that. My whole life so far has been affected by my upbringing, and I think I was likely doomed to repeat it, I’m too much like my parents. So at least no kids in therapy due to me. My sister has had two beautiful kids and she seems like a brilliant mum although we have no contact which only supports my opening sentence there that good job I’m not having any, keeping relationships healthy is not my strong point!

But where else is this idea that holidays and buying 'things' is what life is about coming from?

The idea that childfree couples have lots of holidays and material goods is tedious stereotyping. We have a week in a caravan once a year; most of our furniture is second hand and if I tell you we still have a VHS video player, that will give you a flavour of the sort of tech we have at home.

I’ve read all of OP’s posts but not every other one so I apologise if I am repeating a point already made.

From reading your posts, OP, I’ve inferred that you are financially very comfortable and have a lot of practical help with childcare from either family or paid help. You have children who are good sleepers, seemingly neurotypical, and (I hope) in good health. I’m sure every day isn’t sunshine and roses but you’ve pretty much won the lottery in terms of family life. Do you not understand that these privileges are not a given and are a factor in people’s decisions and desires to have children or not?

‘Normal’ is very interesting and not normal
in a medical record!

@hamstersarse Could you be more specific?

Exactly what @thelobsterquadrille says. You know nothing of other women's experiences & trauma.

The nihilism on this thread is staggering

The thought of being pregnant or in labour terrifies me. And I don't feel I would be able to properly care for a child, as I still struggle to look after myself. My parents loved me dearly and did their best, but I still bear scuffs and cracks from the way they handled challenging periods in my life, and I'm scared that I would unintentionally do the exact same to my own children.

As well as this, I currently feel no maternal desire. I like children enough to care for them in my job, but not enough to take my work home with me! 😂

Is there never room to apply reason to someone's opinion?

In some cases there might be. I don’t think this is one of them. If you disagree, I’d be intrigued as to why.

What would happen if everyone decided that childbirth was too 'horrifying'? (We'd be extinct in a generation exactly)

And if everyone decided to reproduce, the already overpopulated planet would die of starvation. Fortunately, nobody is suggesting either of these extremes. Some people want to procreate (too many, according to numerous environmental experts), and some don’t.

Over 50% of women at aged 30 are now childless, so obviously a lot of people share this opinion that it is too horrifying to go through,

In the U.K., the percentage of women who remain childless at the end of their childbearing years remains 18.1%. So women are delaying childbearing rather than not having children and the same percentage of women are giving birth as in previous generations.

however I don't think it is helpful for this opinion to be 'just validated' without any questions.

Why? And, unless you are proposing to carry and birth said children for them, what makes your opinion on other women’s attitudes towards childbearing at all pertinent?

Yes it's hard, but a straight up 'horrifying' is not really a valid opinion from someone who has never done it?

Yes, it is. I’ve never sky dived or eaten faeces, as I find those things horrifying. I don’t need to justify that or experience them. I’ll just not do them. As is my right.

Your opinion that it isn’t horrifying for someone else holds exactly no merit, as you’re not that person. It isn’t horrifying for you. Grand, have as many kids as you like.

How?

I would unintentionally do the exact same to my own children
there is no way to not damage them, no one gets through life unscathed even with the best will in the world, it's solving problems that drives us forward(imo)

Oh are we gatekeeping trauma now?

Who made you the authority on what "proper" birth trauma is?

So freaking dismissive and ignorant...

I don’t think she knows what nihilism is.

@Soothsayer1 That may be true but do you know some of us are talking about domestic and sexual violence? That’s not just a bit of the world is rough.

It appears that if you don't believe the meaning and purpose of life is procreation then you are a nihilist in pursuit of money and travel and other such shallow pursuits!😂

I never had any maternal feelings. I never felt the biological clock. I don't really enjoy spending time with children.

The only reasons TO have them seemed selfish- to have something to love, to want to be looked after in old age, to give myself a family

Feel free to pop out one or two babies on my behalf then @hamstersarse! 😘

Never had the slightest desire to have them. Mid 50s now. It’s not a thought out decision with a list of reasons, I was never worried about the impact on my life, just didn’t fancy having children and my husband felt the same way. I have little to no interest in sport too, that’s never changed either but is on the same level to me.

I am also not one of those people who like other people’s kids, I simply have no interest (and I have been exposed to family and friend’s kids over the years). Just one of those things. I was widowed a few years ago and was relieved when my husband died that I didn’t have kids, it would have made coping even harder.

Most of my friends don’t have kids either (although not all of them).

I intend to move to high quality sheltered accommodation in about twenty years’ time where I can be looked after in my old age and have a social life. A side benefit of not having kids is that I can afford this!

I’m not a nihilist. I keep going and try to see the best in everyone. If anything, I’m bloody naive! 😅