To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I know you are joking about Alien, sort of.

But you have been influenced by something that is wholly disproportionate

Do you feel the same when you see an animal give birth? Disgusting etc?

Pregnancy and childbirth is one of the riskiest things you can do healthwise, we may be 'designed' to do it but the design has some pretty fundamental flaws and before modern medicine, it killed millions of women. It's not irrational for some people to find it horrifying.

@LoobyDop agree with you on it being isolating. I found that when friends went through the baby stage but as time has gone on I've started to find my people - there aren't many of us when you don't live in a big city but the more you get involved in stuff the more you'll find them. That's my experience anyway.
You completely have my sympathies though. It's a shit part of the decision.

All of this.

I have to say, I struggle to understand why someone would want them. But I get that vast numbers of people do, and I’m really happy if they are happy with that.

Motherhood just looks mostly awful with occasional nice patches from where I sit.

But you have been influenced by something that is wholly disproportionate

Or she’s aware of everything of which you’re aware and has come to her own conclusions? If she thinks it’s horrifying, she thinks it’s horrifying. You appear to be trying to ‘reason’ her out of her opinion, which is just as valid as yours. Why?

personally I enjoyed pregnancy & breastfeeding and at 60 I exercise regularly and would be fine on a trampoline, I think I'm lucky as I had them very young and have always had a flat stomach....seems to me the older you are when you have them the harder it is to recover- generally speaking of course!

Just to say I don’t not want children because of childbirth - if I wanted children I would go through childbirth to have them and I don’t believe pregnancy destroys you, I believe some women have awful experiences but I don’t believe it’s all of them.

However, so many women use this language - a few months ago I watched something where a woman described her vagina as ‘a beef sandwich’ and said she couldn’t feel anything during sex because she was ‘like a jam jar’ down there. And then other women said ‘well of course, she’s had kids’.

Many women I know/have known will discuss not being able to have sex, loss of sensation, incontinence and similar - for some reason they do this with pregnant women/women trying for children. I get told it’s basically a utopia when you have children but all the pregnant women at work get told it’s hell and they should enjoy the last few months of life before they’re dragged into drudgery. I never get that!

Anyway, slightly off topic but I think women who have had children do often believe you’re basically ‘destroyed’ and weeing every time you cough after childbirth because of the way some women talk about their bodies post children.

The Alien comment was a joke.

I can't help what I find disgusting.

Sure, but why put yourself through any of that for something you don’t want? Of course we’re all going to age and we need to look after our bodies anyway, but why go the extra mile putting your body through pregnancy and childbirth when you don’t want to? What’s the point? To have a child just because you can?

and no, bodies aren’t ‘designed’ to hold a pregnancy. They’ve evolved to, but actually quite badly in the case of human women.

Life does naturally change, for better or worse, but having children massively impacts life, even if they’re wanted. Having children is not an inevitability that it out of our control, it’s a choice. Why would anyone make a choice to have them if they don’t want them, just because they may face having to deal with other changes in life out of their control? “Oh, I can’t control this particular scenario, so may as well not control any”? 🤨

If it’s something you vehemently don’t want then it’s not hard to figure out why having them would be destructive to someone’s life.

the reasons for not having children will never be considered good ones for those that want them. Conversely, the reasons for having them will never be good enough for those that don’t.

I can think of a million reasons why I didn't want kids! I can't really think of any good reasons for wanting them....

You'll obviously view childbirth differently if you want children. Some people see it as part of the beautiful process of bringing a much wanted child into the world. Others will see it as something they just have to endure to have their baby. Then, for those who don't want children, there is nothing positive about it. It just looks like a horrific experience.

We aren’t designed for it. It’s one of our evolutionary flaws and very dangerous,

Agreed. It’s really not. The impact on women’s bodies and minds is hugely downplayed, as are the risks involved. Pregnancy and childbirth are often hugely traumatic, but this is minimised and women are supposed to just get on with it.

None of this is stopping me, as I want a child. However, I am fully conversant of the risks and anyone who is horrified has good reason.

Exactly this.

Is there never room to apply reason to someone's opinion?

What would happen if everyone decided that childbirth was too 'horrifying'?
(We'd be extinct in a generation exactly)

Over 50% of women at aged 30 are now childless, so obviously a lot of people share this opinion that it is too horrifying to go through, however I don't think it is helpful for this opinion to be 'just validated' without any questions. Yes it's hard, but a straight up 'horrifying' is not really a valid opinion from someone who has never done it?

My cousin had to have a C- section 2 months early because she started getting seizures. She was in hospital for 6 weeks in the psychiatric ward. She broke a window with a chair and thought the nurses were trying to kill her amongst things. Her child is now 6, a lot of her memory is a blank and still struggles with remembering current stuff. She doesn’t remember being pregnant at all and the first two years the baby was taken care of by everyone but her. She doesn’t feel like it’s her child but her sibling. She is unable to work or drive due to her memory issues and she still gets regular seizures.

Yes this is an extreme and unusual case but pregnancy and childbirth can be horrific for some.

But where else is this idea that holidays and buying 'things' is what life is about coming from?

From you, I would say.

Since you're the only person here who has suggested it.

I never 'had the urge'. At least I don't think I did, I somehow just slept walked into it. I think it was just more expected 21 years ago than it is now - it seems a very planned decision that people take these days and I am not totally convinced that is for the best. You can overthink things.

I would say exactly the opposite. People seem to have children because 'it's what you do'. I think it's great that women now are consciously questioning whether or not they actually want kids, or are just doing it because it's expected of them. Previous generations of women did not have that choice. And given the choice, more and more of us realise it's not for us.

This is actually nice to be able to talk and read about this, I didn’t realise there were so many other women on here to talk to about this so thanks @somuchtolearnabout

@CarryOnMyWaywardPup hahahaha

I am also a mother OP. I am very maternal, new from 15 I wanted kids, was extremely broody from 17, had first DD at 21 and had 3 by the time I was 26. Absolutely love motherhood, babies and children.

I still have NO STRUGGLE AT ALL in imagining why people don't want children. And even if I did, I would feel literally no need to make people justify why they don't want or don't have children. My goodness.

I've read some shocking things on MN and had some really eye opening insights about how people think, but your OP truly takes the cake.

Being a mother yourself, or actually just being a human yourself, can you genuinely not understand why or at least how something that some people want to do is not something that everyone wants to do?

Sorry I said I wouldn't respond to the goady posts but that one genuinely tickled me. I'm pleased to see there are lots of likeminded people on here having a genuinely interesting discussion about it, and I've learnt a lot. So thanks everyone for answering my nosy and invasive questions, even if some of you thought it was odd!

But where else is this idea that holidays and buying 'things' is what life is about coming from?

Where’s the idea that life is about having children coming from? You’re speaking as if it’s established that there’s any one true meaning of life, rather than it being the case that the ‘meaning’ (or lack thereof) of life is entirely dependent on individual interpretation.

personally I don’t believe life has any meaning. It just is. I choose to do the things I enjoy, and decide against doing the things I don’t want to. It’s very simple tbh.

I've never thought about why I DON'T want children because not having children is the default state, nobody is born a parent. Not wanting/having children is neutral. Having children is the active choice/action that needs motivation, IMO. I suppose I just don't have said motivation, I've never felt a biological urge, or an emptiness that I needed to fill. I find it rather strange when people ask me this because it's something that hardly ever crosses my mind.

I don't dislike children but I find the idea of liking or disliking an entire age category to be weird anyway- would anyone say "I hate/love 30 to 50 year old people?". Some children are lovely, some are horrendous, just like adults. I have friends who seem to be amazing parents but I've also heard from a lot of people that they had kids for rather selfish reasons, such as to not end up alone in their old age (the OP has also mentioned this.) I have worked in care homes when younger and I'm sorry to break this to you, but a lot of people in the UK, perhaps a majority, do end up alone in their old age, even if most of them had children. Young people in this country generally move as far away from parents as possible as soon as they are old enough, and from then on they are entirely absorbed in their own life.

You only ever hear about the worst deliveries. Most people survive it completely fine and are not traumatized.

It may be a shock for a few months /up to a year and women generally talk about it together during that time ("birth stories") but it is not long lasting trauma in the correct definition of the word.

Jesus Christ @hamstersarse you clearly have no idea what you're talking about