To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

@SylvanianFrenemies you may understand why different people want different things but the op is whyyyy? Give her legitimate reason! She is struggling to understand why some women have different thoughts, ideas, ambitions, wants, needs etc etc in life! She cannot comprehend it 🙄

I find the ‘true legitimate reasons’ bit so odd. Any reason or no reason at all for not wanting to have kids is ‘legitimate’. There is no metric via which some reasons are good or bad, right or wrong, legitimate or illegitimate. Why would there be?

The same way some women just want to have kids and couldn’t articulate a rational reason for said desire, some women just don’t want kids. There's a handful on either side who will have reasons (and ALL of these reasons are ‘legitimate’, as a woman’s choices with regards to her life and body sit with her), but it mostly comes down to just wanting to, or not.

The fact that you find it ‘really hard to believe’ things simply because they aren’t your stance or preference really doesn’t speak well of you, OP. It’s also quite an offensive attitude to take towards the women who have told and are telling you they don’t want kids.

And I say all this whilst delightedly pregnant with a very much wanted baby.

@cathyj76 Im not but some circumstances decide for you and you have to make peace with that.

Yes!
I wouldn't object to kids in the right circumstances

Perhaps I don't have the URGE driving me to create them.

I love kids and probably wouldn't turn down a pregnancy unless there were major health issues, but the situation of TRYING for kids is not one I have ever imagined

I think you might be envious of people who are childfree! Shame you can’t experience it. You can be in permanent student mode if you want. I feel sorry for parents.

I didn’t particularly want children, but my husband did. In the end it took 8 years and several rounds of IVF to have our first. Our second followed a couple of years later. I love them dearly but certainly see the many disadvantages of having them.

If we hadn’t been able to have children, I’m quite sure I would have accepted it and had a different, but still great life. Children are a huge amount of work, incredibly expensive and they literally take over your life. I have many child free friends (through choice) and can quite understand why they never wanted any.

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids

Legitimate is a really strange word to describe other people's personal reasons for a personal choice.

What reasons aren't 'legitimate' for someone not wanting to have kids? The word implies that they are doing something wrong or getting out of something they should be doing.

Yes to all of this.

This Sunday I woke up at 9am, made myself a nice coffee in my quiet apartment, then decided on a total whim to go out and get a haircut. Booked it on my phone, and just left my front door without a thought.

The thought of not being able to do any of those things (or at least not without a fuss, fight, guilt or babysitter bookings) scares the shit out of me.

I also work for a charity and the idea of being so addled with birth endorphins that I became convinced that my little imaginary bundle of overpopulation was worth more of my love and attention than my service users, who are living breathing adults with serious needs... That scares the shit out of me too.

I never 'had the urge'. At least I don't think I did, I somehow just slept walked into it. I think it was just more expected 21 years ago than it is now - it seems a very planned decision that people take these days and I am not totally convinced that is for the best. You can overthink things.

The concerns about sleep, for example, are very short sighted. It is only for a few years, and typically you are young enough to cope with that.

The concerns about your body, again, whether you have been pregnant or not, you will need to look after your body by eating well and exercising. Age will happen, and you will look and feel like shit either way if you don't look after your body. Your body is designed to hold a pregnancy (no offence intended to those struggling to conceive) Again, seems quite short sighted to use that as a reason to not want to be pregnant.

And comments like "they absolutely destroy life as you know it" - like honestly, where are you getting this from?!? What do you mean by destroy? What is in this life that you have that would mean you would never change any part of it?

I think I blame social media

But where else is this idea that holidays and buying 'things' is what life is about coming from?

Such an odd question to ask, I can only imagine the OP is severely lacking in empathy/emotional intelligence if she’s unable to comprehend why some people have a different preference to her. And baffled that she’ll only accept a “true legitimate reason”, would love to know what makes the grade!

I would never want to have a pet but can totally understand the appeal for other people (NOT comparing children to animals before I get jumped on 😂) That’s having the ability to realise that other people’s decisions/values etc are just as valid as mine.

I have never wanted them. That is something I expressed from a very young age. I never played with dolls, or pushed toy prams about.
I don't like children, and do not find them interesting or cute. The thought of pregnancy and childbirth horrifies me.

@Namechangenokidsquestion I know when they say what’s wrong with you, it’s not what’s wrong physically. It’s a good god you’re a monster! 😁

I’ve known since I was a teen I didn’t want them, 30+ plus years later still don’t and haven’t had the urge.

I’ve never been broody and don’t understand what that feels like. Women having multiple children seems like a very strange choice, almost like they’re trying to fill a hole.

The thought of pregnancy and childbirth horrifies me.

What is it that horrifes you @XenoBitch ? I am not being deliberately goady, at least I don't mean to. But what about it is frightening?

So silly.

I’ve never wanted one since I was about 8, I had a younger toddler brother and experienced the drudgery and constant noise for years until I moved out. I also got bullied at school and saw how some kids can be so horrible and will say nasty things to you with no repercussions. Of course adults can be horrible too, but you’re not forced to see them every day (and if it’s at work you can complain to HR - I went to a school that claimed bullying didn’t exist there).

I don’t like children, I have child-unfriendly hobbies (like sleeping, clubbing, sewing, sport) and value my freedom more than ANYTHING. I’m very independent and hate neediness as a trait - it’s why I would never have pets. I don’t enjoy “looking after” people and like my relationships to be with equals, not dependents. I don’t want to share my husband with a screaming bratty child.

I find childbirth, pregnancy and breastfeeding disgusting. The NHS treats you like a piece of shit and sugarcoats the risks of childbirth, to save money. You never see mums on trampolines. My husband could play his sport on the day I gave birth if he wanted to - I couldn’t play my sport for months as my fanny and pelvic floor would be ripped to shreds. I would never breastfeed, and you get so much judgement for that.

I’m someone who really values friends but not family, the fact some people are related doesn’t make them more important in my eyes. I’ve never wanted “a family” as I’d basically just be creating more people I’d be obligated to stay in touch with.

Plus, what if your child hates working, self harms, has depression or is a psychopath? You’d feel so guilty for bringing them onto the planet to just suffer or cause others to suffer.

I’ve wanted children for as long as I can remember (currently pregnant)

My sister has never wanted them, just doesn’t want them. She’s a daycare nursery assistant, brilliant with little kids but just doesn’t want her own

It’s not hard for me to understand why some people do not want kids, I think it’s a personal choice and I never wonder why they don’t want to have kids

Have you seen Alien?

Obviously a baby does not burst out of your chest, but the thought of something growing inside of me, getting bigger, and moving about... it makes me feel ill. Then there is the whole birth thing. Strangers poking about, everything on show. It is not for me.

Dentistlakes :- If we hadn’t been able to have children, I’m quite sure I would have accepted it and had a different, but still great life. Children are a huge amount of work, incredibly expensive and they literally take over your life. I have many child free friends (through choice) and can quite understand why they never wanted any.

Concur totally.

My first job in the 80s was in a big civil service building with over 900 staff - mostly women,. I was only 19, straight after A levels and mobile grade so moved about a lot between departments and got to know a ton of young women over the 7 years I worked there - I watched them get engaged (big celebration) get married (big celebration) first baby ( very happy bringing baby in to show to us), the misery of them as they "had" to come back to work, down the line and the sadness that hung over them.

Fast forward a year or so - tears in the staff room for weeks, sometimes a black eye, heartbreak at work for months, then divorce, then monumental struggle as a single parent, then some stayed and some left or moved on. They could never go anywhere as couldn't leave the kids and had no money. Then there were the obligatory office parties where I would have to fight off the wandering hands of the older male staff, being pinned in a corner, them semi - joking about having sex with them for a "fitted marking" (promotion, trying to kiss me in the lift at work etc etc) and it dawned on me - All these men were married with little children!

I watched this over and over for YEARS and though "I'm not doing that - ever".

I left there and worked in many other fields and saw exactly the same pattern. Same thing abroad in the countries I worked in.
All my female friends eventually got married and had kids and when I saw them they felt somehow safe in telling me odd things that they mustn't have wanted to say to their social circle - mostly, that they regretted it all - marriage and children and it was not what they expected. My best friend in the world said - "Don't do it".

I find childbirth, pregnancy and breastfeeding disgusting. The NHS treats you like a piece of shit and sugarcoats the risks of childbirth, to save money. You never see mums on trampolines. My husband could play his sport on the day I gave birth if he wanted to - I couldn’t play my sport for months as my fanny and pelvic floor would be ripped to shreds. I would never breastfeed, and you get so much judgement for that.

The NHS were good in delivering my babies
I can go on trampolines and assure you I have never so much as dripped a spot of urine unintentionally
There is nothing wrong with my pelvic floor
I was doing exercise pretty quickly - long walks immediately

I don't know where people get all this from

I'm curious as to why it's any of your business if she changes her mind?

I don't want kids and neither does my missus.

Reasoning:

Financial freedom
Not being tied down for the next 25 years
Not having to stress and worry about them
World is a shit place as it is
We both had poor upbringings in terms of parents being there/broken families.
Finally the most important, everyone I know with kids is broke and miserable.

If I had another life to live I'd not be a parent, as much as I love and value my children they have been a constant source of worry & stress, none of that is their fault.
Society benefits from the growing & raising of new humans but women absorb all the pain and stress of having children....we need to be properly compensated for this and increasingly women are saying NOPE!

I didn't want children when I was younger - liked my freedom, my interests and my need to have a lot of space.

Was not maternal in the slightest until about an hour after DD was born - at which point I went full tiger mother. Was rather terrifying suddenly knowing I would kill to protect her... strange things hormones.

One was enough for me, I adore her and have no regrets - but children are immensely expensive, exhausting and a constant source of worry.

I had DD because DH decided he would like a child.

We'd have been happy without, but we are definitely happier with having had her (but would never have known that if she'd never been born).

I'm not a routine person, so I didn't bother trying once child arrived - she just fitted into our lives. Luckily she doesn't really do routines either so worked out well. Nowadays she's pretty independent - my career had to be adjusted while she was in primary school, now I travel, work the hours I need to and feel I have just as much freedom as before plus a whole load of new friends and interests through her. Win win.