To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I haven’t had the urge. When people talk about the strong biological pull on here, I’ve never had it. I seem to have a lot of hormonal issues which cause acne, weight gain, hairloss and I wonder if the “not urge” falls in line with this.

I’m also squeamish AF and the thought of being pregnant, giving birth and the aftermath makes me feel horrible. I think it would wreck my mental health. I can’t even tolerate a nose bleed without wanting to faint!

Plus, the amount of people I know who bitch continuously about their own kids on Facebook, that’s definitely enough to put me off!

People have amazing, completely joy filled lives, without children. Having children does not trump all other kinds of love and fulfilment in life. Growing up, I was continuously told about children that “there is nothing like it”, “nothing compares”, over and over again. When I was a young woman, if I said I did not want children, people would get cross with me and call me selfish. Why are we allowed to speak to people like this, as of being child free is some kind of inferior position to be in? Yes, motherhood is wonderful in many ways, but just because you are a woman you don’t have to have children if you really want to. There are lots of people who sincerely do not want children and have often better lives for it. And that’s good enough.

@Zebrasz I felt societal pressure to watch it and instantly regretted it.

Sorry, I mean, COME ON ENGLAND! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

I think most people fall into one of three camps.

Those who want children
Those who don't want children
Those who don't have the urge to have children

I'm in the last group. I don't dislike children. I just never had that urge. They won't enhance my life in any way. I feel like I'd lose more than gain by having them. I feel that most men fall into that last camp too, but they are less affected by having children because there is usually a woman there who did want them and will do all the work.

Really feel for you.

This is what I was talking about in my post. It’s just a risk I can not take.

I think it’s important that it’s talked about more but I find you get shut down a lot. Obviously I’m not a real woman if I haven’t had kids as I was told here the other day. Where do I belong then?

I think it’s important because of people like my mum, she didn’t want children and she made our life hell at times. Let’s just say I’m surprised one of us didn’t die. It’s important that it’s a choice that’s out there.

@BadNomad this makes a hell of a lot of sense, as this thread has actually taught me. "Not wanting" and "not having the urge" are two completely different things

A friend of mine didn't want children because her mother was Abusive and she wanted to end her family line.

I haven’t had kids because it looks like its exhausting, expensive, restrictive and noisy. I have seen many friends left with physical and mental health problems after childbirth. I’ve seen friends struggle with caring 24/7 for disabled children who will never go on to become independent adults. I can only imagine the guilt, worry and fear that comes with motherhood. It’s just never seemed a very appealing prospect!

Please can you show where in my post I said you deserve to be insulted? You have misunderstood.

You asked this question Would you also find it odd if someone started a thread asking what your reasons were for wanting kids? I should have added this bit in that no I won’t think it’s odd but I explained that society expects people to have children.

You are ‘normal’ because you have kids. People like me who don’t have children are often insulted see @Bookstoreguy post for some of the lovely comments we receive. I didn’t say you deserve the insults my point was that some of the insults you have received here are nothing compared to what women who don’t have children receive. My favourite is what is wrong with you in that shocked, horrified, omg, disgusted tone.

Never had the urge either so very lucky also hate my body the thought of being fatter urgh no just no.

This.

Such a strange thread.

dogs are all I need, I take pleasure in looking after dogs, they bring me so much joy. I know I wouldn't feel the same way about looking after a child.

This is very much how I feel. I have an elderly dog with lots of health issues that mean he's high maintenance and expensive. But the joy he brings to my life is indescribable. I know I won't feel that way about a child. I don't feel able to talk about this in real life though, in fact I rarely mention it on here because there is a lot of judgement towards women who don't want children. Not to mention some of the totally batshit threads on here about dogs!

It has been interesting reading this thread on a windy, wet Monday afternoon when I'm pretending to pay attention to a meeting....

It's also nice to see that there is no judgement from most of the posters.

I'm glad and happy that there are so many women who obviously love and wanted their children on here.

My mum is like this OP, she genuinely can't understand why people (read: women) don't want children. A colleague divorced recently, her reaction was - what a shame they never had kids, now she has nothing to show for the marriage.

I think the right comparison is - would you want 10 children? 15 children? Probably not. Why? Impact on your body, run riot around the house, all your time and money would be spent on them, you don't want to dedicate your time and attention to that many children. Well, that's how people who want 0 children feel about having 1 or 2 children. Some people want only one (something else that baffles my mother), some want two, some want five.... but we all have a number that we would not want. It's exactly the same.

It's no different to anything else. Some people (me) really wouldn't want a dog, or to live abroad, or to have a demanding career, or to be a doctor or spend their free time wild camping. There's actually a fun thread on here from the other day called something like 'what do you love so much that you can't understand why other people don't like it?' that speaks to this. If you LOVE wild camping, reasons against won't make sense - but you're only freezing cold some of the night, that bit goes by quick! But it's not hard to put up a tent, you learn! But you can watch TV all the other days of the year!

@cornhasthejuice Ugh that’s the worse one isn’t it, what’s wrong with you? I’ve had that, a lovely ex line manager loved to ask me ‘what was wrong with me.’

My sister is autistic, autism runs in my family and in my partners. My sister will never be independent I’m sure. Love her but yeah. I couldn’t bring a kid into the world with such a high risk and having that level of responsibility. Even if you don’t have that genetic risk you can’t odds it. At least I can’t because I could not cope, seeing how difficult life has been for both my sister and my folks.

I also kind of don’t see the point. I have a lot of hobbies, I enjoy travelling and spending romantic nights with my partner. I love being able to do something spontaneous and to book gig tickets on the fly. I like who I am as a person and I really cherish every moment in my life, I would worry I would be resentful of a little being dependant of me, sapping my life energy, grinding me down with their noise, having the stroppy teen years… and that’s imagining a neurotypical kid. Autistic kid (on my sister’s level) now there’s a whole other kettle of fish. I’m also so close to my partner and so carefree I’d hate to change that dynamic.

I love my niece and nephew who are as good as gold but I wouldn’t like to sell everything I love about my independent life to take a chance on something I’m not that fussed on.

You get one life, I don’t want to spend it as a caregiver is the long and short.

For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them

The exact opposite for me. Never wanted to be. I never said ‘when I grow up and have children...’ I never saw children in my future and couldn’t imagine being someone’s mum. I still can’t. I think I could get over the noise, the money, the physical and emotional toll and the sheer bloody hard work if it was something I thought was worth it, but I think of them in the same way I think of a baby tiger. Very cute, lovely to play with for a couple of hours but, essentially, I have zero interest in taking one home to live with me.

We have amazing kids in our lives, from 8 months upwards. They genuinely are the loveliest little people. They’re polite, well behaved, gorgeous and an absolute pleasure to spend time with. We love them all dearly. And our primary feeling when we hand them back to their parents is still relief we don’t have our own.

I never felt the urge to reproduce, but I had a child anyway (for various reasons, partly to see what all the fuss was about).

I adore my child, can't imagine life without her, definitely don't regret having her, etc.

But I still don't feel the urge to reproduce. So I've stopped at one. If I had another one, I know I would adore him/her, not be able to imagine life without him/her, not regret having him/her, etc. But I simply can't face putting myself through it again, especially now I know how hard the early years are.

I'm glad I was on the fence enough to have one, though. I think I'm a decent mum -- not perfect by any means, but I try. I love my child, but don't love being a parent, if that makes sense.

Because they absolutely destroy life as you know it, cost all your money and make doing normal things hard and shit.

Never had the urge, neither biological nor emotional. The idea never appealed to me. I thought I might change my mind one day (as countless people saw fit to inform me, some more condescendingly than others), or that I'd get up the duff and the switch would be flipped. Neither has happened. I've never been pregnant either, so who knows, maybe the instinct would have kicked in alongside the preggo hormones. I suspect I'm infertile but have not really cared to investigate.

That being said, I do like kids. They're cute for the most part. I've been to plenty of events where I've had far more fun hanging out with the kids. Kids can be awful too, but that's true of the entire population. I'm generally willing to give kids a pass on being dickheads because they need time to learn (or unlearn it from their parents, depending on the situation 😂).

Because children are time-consuming, exhausting, expensive and stressful. I just don't understand the appeal in the slightest.

I see parents out and about and every single one of them looks stressed to fuck.

On the topic of ‘you’ll never know true/proper love’ I always think it’s really sad because the parent saying that will never be truly loved by their children and I’d like to think the love I have for my parents is proper love, they’re a part of me and I love and respect them with all my heart.

Oh yeah there’s nothing like a parents love. It trumped everything. No parents are abusive ever. We don’t need a care system.

I think I am in a minority on this thread (and life) in not understanding why people are so sure that they either do or don't want children. It always struck me that the stakes are so high in either direction, why is everyone so sure of what they think? I was totally confused about it for years...

In the end, I had them, and of course am delighted I did, and can't now imagine my life without them. But I can imagine another theoretical very happy and fulfilling life for someone else without children.

What I do think though is that a lot of bad arguments are given on both sides of this debate. Things about sleep/noise/sick/toddlers/nappies aren't a good reason not to have children. They're incredibly short-term and I've practically forgotten them already - and my two aren't even that old! Fear of childbirth I do understand – thought I insisted on two c-sections for that reason, so I wouldn't let that put you off, if it's a factor.

Equally, the fact that various women have awful husbands who treat them like crap and make them do all the work and/or the women martyr themselves and do everything... isn't a reason not to have them. You know if you have a brilliant husband/partner who will do 50%. I did, and still do, and I have a great career. I was probably slowed down slightly for a few years in my mid-thirties, but now, in my mid-40s, I earn significantly more than my husband. 'Your husband might have an affair' is a terrible reason not to have kids. He may have one anyway... or hopefully if he's a decent guy, being a parent might make him less likely to.

On the other side of the equation, I think 'what will happen when you're old?' is a really bad and negative argument to have children. Lots of kids neglect their elderly parents, and similarly lots of older childless people have loving friends, other younger relatives etc.

The main reason to have children is that (other things being equal) they are people you're bringing into the world that (hopefully) you will love a lot and (again hopefully) they will love you a lot. So: more love and joy in your life basically. But there are other ways to achieve love and happiness. I do think it's true that there's no type of love that is quite like the love you have for your children but that carries risks as well as benefits. Certainly I don't think anything could destroy your life as quickly as something bad happening to your child, so that's another factor to weigh up.

I agree that being childfree makes me more financially comfortable than I would be as a parent, but that is just a bonus, it isn’t even close to being the main reason.
If the cost of having children was £0.00p, I still wouldn’t have any. If the government payed people £25k per child, I still wouldn’t have any. Because I don’t want to be a parent.