To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Ultimately some people will just never understand why others have different wants and desires them. Today an 18 year old asked me if I would be watching the match. I told him no, he asked why and I said I had zero interest in it. He genuinely looked disgusted and shocked

A legitimate reason is any reason why someone doesn't want one, there's hardly a shortage.

I have one child, i was v young, unplanned. I love them more than life itself and from the moment I decided to go ahead I have never doubted my decision. I made a life and that person's life has made mine worth living in a way I never imagined.

However, had I my time again, I would have done more to prevent that pregnancy (because unsupported teen motherhood is HARD) AND probably not had any kids, because I have never ocme across a man who I feel makes an acceptable co parent. I have never jad the right conditions to plan a child.

It's that simple, sadly

I prefer cats.

As someone who's always wanted kids, I'll happily answer these...

Gosh, do you think you'll regret having them?
To me it's the same as regretting having a brother or a mother - it's a family member, so no I can't imagine 'regretting' having a family member, even if they are annoying at times.

Why on earth did you have them?
Why have any relationship with another human? Because it gives you meaning, joy, companionship. There's something special about creating and caring for someone too.

Why didn't you consider an abortion?
Because I already love the baby in my tummy, and they already respond to my voice. Why wouldn't I want that special connection with someone?

Aren't you worried you'll mess them up?
Nah, not at all. Ill try not to, but I'm sure they'll be disappointed with something I do, no parent is perfect

Are you worried your husband will leave you now you've got kids?
No, he wants children even more than me. We've also agreed if we ever split the childcare would be 50/50, so I'd have quite a lot of free time to meet someone else...

Aren't you worried he'll have an affair now you've got kids?
No - it's never even crossed my mind. But then again, I wasn't worried about this before kids either

When my husband speak to men and they ask if he has children and he says no we don’t want them he gets things like good for you/how did you manage to get the wife to agree to that/lucky bastard.

From women he gets you know it’s not too late to divorce and find someone else/you could try ivf/have you considered adoption.

I get from other women that I’m not a real woman/what’s the point of living/my parents must hate me/my husband will cheat on me/you’ll change your mind.

From men I get you’ll have to one day though/don’t leave it too long/you’ll change your mind.

Very different experiences!

Totally valid

An interesting question OP, and I think you are entitled to ask it.
I just always assumed that i would have kids, but looking back, didn't have a strong maternal instinct. Probably hormonal. Had fertility problems, loads of tests which sort of turned into a desperate desire to get pregnant.
Happily married, I finally got pregnant naturally at 28, was pleased then scared about money, career etc.
I miscarried at 8 weeks, and never got pregnant again. Shockingly afterwards I realised that it was the pregnancy I wanted but thinking long term, I couldn't imagine them as toddlers or as adults.
Also I read so many threads on here and in real life with my friends about how hard it is and how miserable it makes a lot of people.
I just don't know what to "do" with kids Grateful now that we don't have any. .

I just didn't want them. Had no urge at all. So there really wasn't a reason. Anymore that I don't have a reason not to do any of the thousands of other things in life that I have no urge or desire to do.

I could have told you all of the reasons that I was glad I had no urge to have children, loved peace and quiet, doing my own thing, plenty of sleep, more money than I knew what to do with, life just being easy and pleasant.

And I'm currently on the fence but I'll give the reasons as to why I don't:

I really need my sleep in order to feel good.
I've had poor mental health and I don't want pregnancy to make it worse.
I don't want my body to change as a result of pregnancy and childbirth.
I don't really like the thought of being pregnant for 9 months.
Don't really like the thought of childbirth.
I like doing whatever I want with my time, I don't want my weekends devoted to soft play.
I don't want to struggle for money.
I don't want to give up work.
Kids can be very noisy and I hate lots of noise.
I hate having to be 'on' all the time and playing imaginary games.
I don't want to change nappies.

And so on.

@cornhasthejuice Oh no I absolutely knew the sort of responses I would get, because this is MN after all. Don't post if you're even remotely sensitive because it won't end well for you. Luckily, I'm not sensitive, but I do think it's a bit weird that you think I deserve to be insulted? Not quite sure why, but let's gloss over that. But one thing I will argue with is about judgment. Trust me, I'm not judging anyone. I don't give a shiny shit what you do, I'm simply curious as to why, is that ok? Am I allowed to be curious. Its a question I don't like to ask people IRL because I know it's an emotive topic and it's also, quite frankly, none of my business. That's why I've asked you lot. But its not come from a place of judgment and if you look back through my posts you'll see that not ONCE have I inferred "kids are so amazing I can't believe anyone wouldn't want them". Because funnily enough, I can believe it.

I have no desire for them, and I really enjoy recreational chemistry and adventurous sex.

I have heard of some people who have managed to combine the latter two with parenting. Without fail they are either very rich, or very bad parents.

I’ve just always been super maternal. Many on here have said they have no maternal feelings- I am the other end of the spectrum. Have always known I wanted kids, even as a child and young teen, never a doubt in my mind. In fact my one worry in early adulthood was that I wouldn’t be able to conceive when the time came.

I have one child. I never planned any. I am not maternal in the slightest and just never had any urge or desire to have any. I love her and I am glad I had her, but some people genuinely don't have any desire for them. That shouldn't be so hard to understand.

Yes I wish there was. I became so driven and single-minded which is the opposite to how I usually am. Honestly I didn’t like the person I became and it resulted in nearly 2 years of pna before I finally turned a corner. We’re about to do it all over again and DH and I are now discussing what should we do / when we should give up & he was so relieved when I said maybe after 1 or 2 cycles.

Currently in the kitchen listening to 3 of mine arguing and fighting in the playroom. You ladies without kids don’t know what you’re missing 🙈😂

I just never felt that visceral need to have children the way some women do. And I don't think I could turn that need on any more than I could turn myself gay; its just not how I'm wired. I remember a friend holding a baby before she had kids and said it was literally making her womb ache as she was so broody and I couldn't begin to understand- I've never felt like that. I always was open to the fact that I might change my mind, and whilst there's been passing moments when I've thought maybe it might be quite nice that doesn't seem enough of a reason to bring a child into the world. I'd want any child I brought into the world to be 100% wanted and yearned for. Couple that with the fact that I'm quite an introvert, I work an industry that's not particularly parent friendly, and I'm the child of an unstable and traumatically broken home and I think it would have been odder if I had had kids. I have nieces and nephews I absolutely adore, but after any period of time spent with them I'm usually quite drained and can't wait to get back to the peace of my own home.

I may be in a minority but I really don’t mind being asked why I don’t want kids, and telling the truth about how I feel. Yes, in an ideal world it would just be accepted that some people don’t want them and it would be as normal as having them. But I couldn’t give a flying fig if people are judging me, or what society might expect. I think the more women who speak up honestly about not wanting them, the more acceptance there’ll be of us. Hopefully. Eventually. Maybe…

I am single parent without family or friends support. If I am sick can’t even lye down or go anywhere peacefully. As a mother have to be available 24/7

Pregnancy and birth always seemed revolting to me. I never felt any need or biological urge to do it.

I knew I never wanted children when I was a child, I'd always say I didn't want babies when I grew up and was constantly told "oh you'll change your mind when your older"

I come from a large family, I have loads of siblings and all my aunts/uncles have a minimum of 3 kids.

I've never met a single person in my life that doesn't moan about being a parent, they go on about how hard their life is, how stressed/skint they are, hardly any sleep, childcare issues it goes on and on. Why on earth would I put myself through that? Don't even get me started on parents entitlement when it comes to Xmas holidays, always expecting the childless/free people to work over Xmas because obviously if you don't have children you don't have a life.

I'm in my 30s now and I'm glad I haven't had a child, I can do what I want when I want and buy myself nice things.

I will always have a dog (currently a 20wk old puppy after my old one died) dogs are all I need, I take pleasure in looking after dogs, they bring me so much joy. I know I wouldn't feel the same way about looking after a child.

I like quite life, having kids means have to socialise more to find friends for them party, sleep over play dates

@somuchtolearnabout People are answering your post with quite personal sensitive replies, maybe don’t answer the ‘goady’ ones otherwise it’ll just become another shit show about this topic and comes across that you’re after a fight.

@Namechangenokidsquestion Very sound advice! Thanks for the prompt

I can see how you maybe ruffling feathers here OP but may not mean any harm.

As a mother myself I always knew I wanted to be a mum... no idea of how many kids I wanted just knew I wanted to be a mum. I only have the one DC.

Some people are not maternal and it's best they don't have kids if they don't want them.

I think you will likely find responses like .. why have you gone on to have 3 or 4 kids if you knew how hard it is? To be honest this is my bloody thought and I'm a mum it really gets on my nerves I have to admit. I have 3 to pay for.... and so on.