To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I have 4 children and all of the above except adult only holidays. We could have them (grandparents) but I don’t want them.

I don't find the question odd.

I find it odd that you decree certain reasons are not legitimate. From memory I think you said it's not a "real reason" not to want kids because of noise.

Plus the insistence that having kids doesn't affect travel etc.

I'm not ripping you to shreds. Just saying your approach to the discussion is odd.

I love my kids to bits but honestly the thought of having this much of my self worth and happiness depend on them is terrifying to me. I wouldn't be without them now but if I hadn't had them my life would still be rich and full of love, just different to how it is now.

Oh also, another good reason, if you’ve ever watched your mum try to kill a sibling it makes you really nervous that you might be like that and slightly terrified to become a parent.

I am an extreme introvert and hate noisy spaces and want quiet. I like being alone and would happìly live in the woods and never speak to anyone else again. I love my free time and being able to do as we please. We have disposable income and can spend it as we please.

Mainly I have significant trauma from my childhood that I don't want to pass on. I think I may be too selfish to be a parent and would rather have dogs. My family is dysfunctional, I barely speak to my sibling as we have nothing in common and we like to move around a lot, which doesn't work with children and schools.

I find kids overwhelming and as much as I am kind and popular with the kids in my DP's family, I can only manage a few hours before I want to run away.

@SylvanianFrenemies I'm not ripping you to shreds. Just saying your approach to the discussion is odd.

Absolutely fair enough and admittedly, you're probably right.

Why are some people offended by the question?

There are lots of things I don't understand - meat eating, skiing, people who go on walking holidays. It is totally legitimate to ask on a strangers forum why people make life choices etc, if you're a bit nosy. Nobody has to reply. It's not like asking a friend "why don't you have kids" (which I never would) as this is a voluntary forum where you can skip past the question and never engage (unlike a personal conversation in real life)

@somuchtolearnabout is curious about people who have differnet outlooks to her. That's all. Some of you are acting like she is on the attack - or judging - when she really clearly isn't at all.

Being a mother of five, has most definitely put me right off.

@SmashedPots Theres been 3 threads about this topic in the last few days where posters have been innocuously asked this question and then ripped to shreds and made to feel very unwelcome here so I guess it might be about that rather than op.

I'm a champion worrier and not having children is one less thing to fret about.

I'm not being goady OP but you say that your friend claims not to want children - this sounds like you don't really take her statement seriously. Is this the case?

DD and her DP don't want holidays with children you're happy to. Neither option is right or wrong just different things for different people.

I like children and can see why people have them. But personally I have chosen not to have my own. This is because I like peace, quiet and space, and spending time by myself and I don't think I'd be able to manage without it.

I like to do my work, have my hobbies, my husband and friends and that's more than enough for me.

I have two nieces whom I adore and I love being a part of their life. However I went away for a week with them and my sister and I felt so drained when I got home because of the noise and constantly being on.

Yes, I will never experience that "all consuming love" people talk about and I accept that motherhood is a special thing that I won't have. But I'm OK with that - you can't experience everything in life and you have to pick and choose what you do.

There is 0 guarantee children will care for you when you're elderly. You may (God forbid) outlive them, they may end up in prison, move to the other side of the world, or they may just not want to

@Namechangenokidsquestion Ahhhh that may explain some of the replies

Would you also find it odd if someone started a thread asking what your reasons were for wanting kids? I wouldn't find that odd personally.

People but actually let’s say it how is, women are judged for not having children. Society expects people to have kids, nothing strange or odd about that. Telling society you don’t have them and don’t WANT them is another matter. The insults you’ve received on here are nothing compared to what childfree and childless women have received for decades, heck even centuries!

In your OP you used these words: goady, torn to shred, close mindedness. You knew exactly what you were doing when you started this thread.

For me, I've never had a motherly instinct, for sure I've looked after younger neices, nephews, cousins etc but I never wanted one of my own

Then I met my husband at the age of 39 and he is amazing with his neices and nephews and my mindset changed so we tried but nothing happened and I said to my dh before we got married this might not happen and offered him an out but he said he wanted me more than kids so we made our peace with it

Just have fur babies instead lol

I can absolutely see from a logical point of view why people wouldn’t want children. They are a huge drain on your finances, sleep, free time, you deal with a ridiculous amount of gross stuff daily and you cannot be selfish as their needs always come before your own.

Before I had one, I was ambivalent about having them and couldn’t understand all the hype around them. Then I hit 30, met my husband and suddenly was slammed with a biological urge to have one and now he’s here I’m like “Wow, he is amazing and what was I ever worried about”.

I think it is genuinely down to biological urges. If I’d never got that overwhelming desire to have one I wouldn’t have ever had children. My DS has completely changed my life and mostly in the best way possible but if he’d never been born I wouldn’t know how much my feelings would change.

There are some people that say things like “you don’t understand until you have children” and it’s such a wanky thing to say but in this context it’s a little true but only in the sense that no one can really understand anyone else’s experiences without having experienced it themselves.

Im Sure there is. And I saw some of them in my 20’s before kids. But for me everything else pails. The feeling I have seeing my kids have fun, learn achieve, and the innocent delight in their faces beats anything else I’ve ever known. The love is overwhelming and I feel often that I might burst with love and joy. I genuinely feel my life is complete and I am thankful every single day. Not saying there arnt hard days because there are many highs and lows but I’m taking about the over riding feeling.
If that’s ‘quite sad’ then I’m perfectly happy to be quite sad.

There’s a distinct disconnect between mothers who complain about how hard it all is and nobody warned them, you can’t possibly comprehend the reality of how hard it is until you experience it, and then the protests of “oh, but you really don’t need to change anything, it’s all fine (as long as you’re independently wealthy).

Would be nice to hear an acknowledgment that maybe some of us did comprehend that it would be far more hard work than we were prepared to sign up to, didn’t believe the protestations and made a sensible and logical decision not to bother.

@SmashedPots What a thoughtful post. Thanks for not seeing the worst in what was genuinely a question born from simple curiosity. Certainly not judgment. (Not intentional anyway)

Totally agree. There is no amount of money in the world that would make me want kids. Even if the choice was between losing a leg or having a kid and keeping all my limbs, I’d lose the leg!

For me this is a decision I have made repeatedly throughout my life. The first time I remember was when I was 11 or so and realised how difficult it was for my parents and the sheer stress of having kids and them always coming first. I remember clearly really wondering why they did it to themselves. When imagining what I wanted from life I wanted a dog and a house and a job I enjoyed that allowed me to wfh - husband was optional. As I grew up I have repeatedly asked myself the question and challenged myself and always came up with a no more than a yes for various reasons. I do have kids in my life (not mine biologically) and I am rewarded with all the stress and joy of that but for me that is enough. However if I had fallen pregnant I would have again had to ask myself the question and there’s no guarantee I would have chosen ‘no’, especially after I married and had a house. I am happy that never came up and we took measures to ensure it didn’t because I would find an abortion very difficult mentally.

As soon as you have kids, your life is no longer your own. Cant remember the last time I went on a holiday I wanted to go on, where I did things i enjoy or ate at a time that suits me at a pace determined by me. Cant remember the last time I had a bath without someone asking me something, or have been ill and been allowed to rest. Cant remember the last time I cooked a dinner that I wanted to eat, my desires don't factor in to my decisions at all now. I spend my evenings laying next to an autistic child who cant fall asleep left alone. I then go downstairs to watch 20 minutes of shit TV before crawling up to bed, knowing ill be likely woken by autistic child at 3am. Then, if he resettles, my alarm goes off at 6am so I can prepare lunches and bags and do an hours round trip taking them to different schools in different towns in awful traffic. Then i sit down to do the unfulfilling poorly paid job I've taken because it fits round my kids needs, before going out for another hour long car journey to collect them.

Tip of the iceberg.

Do you think that should that make the childless want to procreate? Unlikely.

I think we need to stop talking about having kids as if that the ideal for everybody. I was raised thinking it is just what you do. I never actually questioned if I wanted kids, I was so conditioned to think that is the only option that I just cracked on a did it.

Stop asking young kids "how many children do you want when you get married". Stop asking childless 30 year olds when they're going to settle down. Stop assuming we are all cut out for parenthood, because we aren't.

If you really want children, you'll try to have them without any coercion. The world is amply populated and resources are overstretched. There is no need to recruit those who are ambivalent.

Not a maternal bone in my body. Find small children incredibly boring and I like a quiet, peaceful, uncluttered, tidy, clean home.
Don't want to spend hours ferrying children to extra curricular activities.
If we'd had children I'm sure we would have done our absolute best to raise them to be happy, successful individuals but you can't raise children in a vacuum and I would have hated the play dates, sleepovers etc.
Have seen what adding children to the mix has done to friend's relationships with their partner, have seen the way many men do not step up to the responsibility of raising children.
Have seen the way women's careers are impacted by choosing to have a family.
Have seen families almost destroyed by the behaviour and attitude of teenagers with drinking, drug taking, school refusal.
The lifelong worry friends have about their disabled children - who will advocate for them and look after them in the future.
The never ending worry even about adult children which has caused increased mental health issues for parents.
The financial worries.
Concern about the future of the country and the planet.
But mostly I just never wanted them. Although obviously I'll never know real love and my existence has no meaning

I find it very isolating trying to make new female friends at work as I think there’s still a big stigma about it. Sometimes I think I should just say I’m infertile rather than the gory details I posted a few posts back. But then I think I shouldn’t say that because I’m not. I never know what the right thing is and just think people don’t like women without kids, it’s still a funny anomaly and I don’t fit it anyone’s box.