School keeps asking for parents to join in in the middle of the working day?!

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I am new to the whole school emails thing, but my son has started at a pre-school attached to a new infants school. Teaching is great, we love it. But they are asking for a lot of parent participation, which I feel quite trapped by. It will be a friendly request, such as come in at 2pm to celebrate the children’s achievements in the mini marathon. To attend I would need to take time off work to go. And if i don’t go will my son be sad that he’s one of the only kids without a parent there? It breaks my heart to think that.

The latest email, which has really wound me up, is an invitation for parents to join children at 12pm for christmas lunch. I have to pay for a lunch I don’t want, and take time off work to be there. And on top of this if my child would like to see Santa and receive a gift I need to pay £6. This isn't exactly optional as I can’t be the only mum who doesn’t join for Christmas dinner and doesn’t buy my kid a ticket to see Santa. Imagine how he would feel, for a teacher to tell him, no your mummy can;t come.

Am being I unreasonable to think that these kinds of things should be on a Saturday and legitimately be optional, rather than in the school days when many parents are working? or at least kept to a minimun and dates sent out at the start of term?! It creates such an unfair divide for children and puts so much pressure on working parents who already have to take time out for school holidays, inset days and sicknesses.

‘Our school hosts every event on zoom at the same time so parents can tune in from work if possible so maybe mention that?’

Daddy zooms in from the office, paper hat on, tuna melt & mince pie al desko for lunch with pre-school Santa. Love it!

It’s the nature of primary school - assembly/festivals / plays/ meet the teacher/ etc etc all happen at 9.30 or 2pm
the school probably can’t facilitate/afford to do it outside school hours.
there’s an assumption that at least one parent/ grandparent will be available in the day - thats always been the case
And yes it sucks for the kids (and parents) who can’t do it

Don’t go.

I went to the odd assembly and sports day and that’s it. I’m a single parent with a pressured high powered job I can’t just take time off 🤷‍♀️

This is why they say it takes a village and all that. Are you a single parent because you've not mentioned a partner going instead? You ask grandparents if they want to go. The school have to be seen as engaged with parents and by offering up these kind of events is a way to do so. You are unlikely to be the only parent unable to attend them all. Be kinder to yourself and stop with the guilt, you're earning to support your kid.

My dh has a flexible job so can block out an hour in his working day to go to see our kids in their nativity. He can then make up the time back. For me to go I have to book the day off and it doesn't make sense to take a days leave for an hours nativity. That being said my ds is a shepherd and has asked me to go so I've booked the day off.It's the first year my dd1 and ds have had a nativity play at school (cancelled due to covid) and they are excited. I did contact the school when my kids were in preschool to ask if they could give moee notice about events where parents are welcome inorder to have sufficient time for me to be able to book leave. It's no good to many of us to get told on the Monday when the event is Thursday afternoon!

I work so only attend the ones I’m available for. The only time I book time off is for the Christmas play. Everything else I work around. You’d never be in work else. Kids are resilient. As long as you attend a few.
the donations requests are getting more and more. Luckily I’m fortunate to be able to afford stuff, but I know many parents that struggle especially with multiple kids in the school.
im glad they don’t do extra stuff on weekends.
just do what you can do, explain to your son that some things you can’t make it for but you’ll be there for others. Or do you have other family members that could possibly sub in for you, if your worried about your sons mental aspect.

New or not, I can't believe you don't realise that events like this go with the territory.

Yes, it's very challenging when you are working, and you can't go to everything. That said, I prioritise attending as much as I can. These years (ultimately) are short & DC love your involvement.

This is normal for primary schools. When my ds started I was a teacher so couldn't even book events off. Now I do go when I can but find it's usually around half the parents and a mixture of parents/grandparents.

Say no and don't go. Reasonable to ask that dates are set well in advance to increase the chance you can go. Point out that teachers who are parents could not attend, also those on a low income are more likely to be in a job where being away from work for an hour or two for an event is not something they can do. So how an event happens, how it is promoted etc should take this into account.

I agree with OP. It sounds very insensitive. This is thinking it through from a child's eye view.

In the classroom, staff will be saying things, like: 'That's Wednesday, when your parents are coming in'. There isn't a way to put across in a way children can understand that ....well how do you say it: 'some parents have to work to put food on the table'; 'some people are lucky to have grandparents living nearby and some not'. 'Its for the parents, but, though you can't understand, not all your parents are coming'.

It''s a golden moment they've created, which not everyone can share, for completely arbitrary reasons.

If this sort of thing happens increasingly and a lot, and for important educational purposes ( like learning the online system) as well as for those magical events, then they are wrong, in my view.

They are not promoting the importance of work, and they should have that theme in mind, behind all of their initiatives. And, yes, use Saturday, and pay some staff to come. It would be different and revolutionary, but I think schools ought to do it.

It''s a golden moment they've created, which not everyone can share, for completely arbitrary reason

Oh don't exaggerate!

Schools run events for parents to attend, during school time. It's a nice way to involve parents, that's all.

Some will be able to attend & some won't. It not a drama & most DC are fine, once you are there for at least some.

And for most jobs, you can use annual leave. Some jobs, like teaching, make this hard / impossible, but the trade off is spending all the holidays with your DC,

Teachers don’t work Saturdays. Lots of working parents won’t be there.

I do talk to my class about these things. I explain that some parents and carers are busy and even though they really want to be there they can't. I also tell them that my mum had to work a lot and missed lots of school things but I still knew she loved me and that she was working so hard so that I had the things I needed. I also mention that some parents will be able to come to this thing but maybe not others. It is difficult but a fact of life and on the whole they do get it even at quite a young age.

Oh and when I am wiping gravy and custard off the table on Christmas dinner day and helping to scrape left over Brussel sprouts into the bin I will try to remember it is an emotional experience! It usually is absolute mayhem and parents being there would cut our work right down! Sneaky and I like it!

I had this when my DD was at school, single parent who worked full time and in all honesty for teachers who can't get leave to attend these things for their own kids, they weren't very understanding! I worked in social care and although it was just around the corner I couldn't just "pop" round as leaving the home understaffed could actually be illegal, I needed the income and I had to put leave request in 4 weeks before the date - and we'd very rarely get that notice from the school.
I was given a talking to a few times about them needing parents 'engaged' and 'supporting' my DD's education...... And saying the above got a patronising smile and a bit of a headtilt.

My parents both worked ft and her father wasn't interested (I would have welcomed any advice on how they thought I could make that happen!) But I did miss a lot, but over time my DD grew to understand why, I explained it and although disappointed she got on with it. It is hard but try not to let it get to you, keeping your job and a roof over your heads is important and is supporting your child, and for some parents like me being on a Saturday wouldn't have made any difference to my likelihood of being able to attend because I worked weekends as well.

I did get the impression that my job wasn't really taken seriously and they thought I was just making excuses, but in all honesty I had bigger things to worry about!

Lots of people can’t manage and you have to look at it whether 20 odd kids should miss out because 10 can’t. I’m often in the ‘cant’ bucket but there is a hierarchy of stuff ie sports day and Christmas play that I do try and make. The children all seem to look after each other and look out for the ones without a parent.

The thing that winds me up though is random trips without proper transport back to school. I know it is cost saving but we seem to get a lot of ‘we’re having a swimming festival at another school, please pick your child up at 2.45 from y location’ when said child is booked into wrap-around care until 6 at the school.’ Those are the ones that really mess with my schedule and not the assemblies or cake sales.

While you may not be able to attend lunch, they absolutely shouldn't charge for Santa, that's awful.

Schools are supposed to be thoughtful and careful and foster ways of thinking. They can't just do something because it seems to be a nice idea.

Maybe they do like getting the parents in to help supervise the kids. But it's just not fair, and not fair on the working parents who don't get to see the other kids within a context, so to let their kids feel they are a part of their world.

After school hours would be better, as parents might be able to start work earlier and leave at 4.30pm. The Zoom idea is good, or putting it on YouTube .

I'm sure anybody complaining has already thought about whether there are uncles, aunts, grandparents or godparents who can be called into service.

As Christmas is largely constructed around Santa, as well as Jesus's birth, then an event where you meet Father Christmas is a really big deal.

Another teacher here who can't get time off for anything. My DDs godparents are retired and LOVE to go to their school things when I can't. They even volunteered at the school fair which got me off the hook with the PTA. Also, once our elderly neighbour went to our daughter's preschool nativity, and was so happy she talked about it for months. Find someone to go instead of you if you can.

And what do you think they will be able to pay them with? Buttons? It certainly won't be money, because schools have none

After school hours when teachers aren't paid you mean?

A lot of these things are only for infants school usually. Ive been to a few and its common to have a grandparent or dad or relative there, and also common to have noone, but then those kids would do nice stuff with an lsa

A handful of people will go. Invariably it's grandparents, people who WFH locally and parents with pre-school children.

One more thing for parent's to feel guilty about but please don't worry. It's a nice thing to do if you're available but working parent's aren't expected to take time off work and your DC will see that not every parent is there.

It is rubbish that there doesn't appear to be much thought for working parents..... but I also don't think the extra stuff should stop just because not everyone can make it...

The teachers are working parents aswell.
Currently they are working to rule and refuse to give up time they aren’t paid for.
Children without a parent are given an adult in a group who will look after them.
Children rarely miss out on paid for things - because most teachers have a stash on money to pay in for those who can’t or they set the price higher knowing X and Y won’t afford it.
And schools have a target to engage parents - How they chose to involve parents is their choice.

And lastly - you are their parent - these things are part of your job - you should contact school for the annual diary of parent events and make an informed choice over which events to attend.

I totally agree with you OP! This is a real issue for me. I could rarely attend my kid’s school’s activities at all. The hardest ones were the ‘Mother’s Day tea’ where all the kids made presents, sang songs and ate biscuits with all their mums. Most of the mothers in my daughters class were SAHM and were always in school for one reason or another. I used to send my mum in (Nannie) if she could go - but it took some convincing for her to be allowed. Father’s Day though was always Fathers/Grandfathers day tea (‘because we know alot of fathers are at work’)
the mum guilt I experienced was immense.. I hated not being there.
we used to re-enact the day when we got home, and I have to confirm, name not being there didn’t have a long term affect on either of my kids.

Get used to it! Schools do this all the time, although it does ease off in senior school. I used to have to keep back 5 days annual leave just to attend the most important things.

We always explain to our children that not all mums and dads can come to things parents are invited for. They are accepting of that.
the other day we had 3 children’s parents come… yesterday, to my surprise, we had 8!!! Schools know not all parents can come - it doesn’t reflect on you if you can’t.