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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit inconvenienced

634 replies

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 11:34

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 20/11/2022 12:19

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 11:57

For those asking, yes he is male. I've seen him outside of our house to pick my mum up. I've asked a couple of times about introducing but she just says she's not ready. She's spent the last couple of christmases with him whilst I stay home and I do feel a bit of resentment building up

Blimey I know you’re an adult but I would never leave my adult kids alone on Christmas Day! I would be really upset about that and her keeping you and her long term bf apart if I were you and I think it’s mean of her to turf you out of your home while she entertains him.

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 12:20

My university library is closed on a Sunday, I did consider it already though. I've texted my nan and just waiting for a response

OP posts:
LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 20/11/2022 12:20

Um, if you are at uni, unless it's a distance learning one, some facilities that are warm and dry will be open at your university this evening. Such as the library or the 24 hour computer lab or somewhere in the SU - not necessarily the bar, there are often other places to sit. The chapel/quiet reflection room if nowhere else, you don't have to be religious.

I don't think your Mum is being at all reasonable OP, it's all a bit strange. But I think you need to find somewhere to go today and then have it out with her very soon thereafter.

Is there a chance that this man is only about 6-10 years older than you, having had his child young, and that is what the issue is? Or one of your former teachers or current lecturers?!

Kafta · 20/11/2022 12:20

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 12:16

@healthadvice123 I did mention it a few weeks ago that I feel left out and she got angry and had a go at meand said I was making something out of nothing. I won't lie I felt very humiliated

I know it's easy for me to say, but I think you need to move ASAP. Can you find a houseshare?

I suspect you may start looking back on her behaviour and seeing things in a different light once you're away from her, and it won't be positive. Do what you need to do, you sound like an intelligent, kind and resillent person, you deserve better!

nophonesonbed · 20/11/2022 12:20

MRex · 20/11/2022 11:46

Occupying yourself for 7 hours isn't a lot, it's short notice but fair enough she wants some space. If you're living at home, then your financial predicament seems surprising. How are you so short of money that you can't afford the cinema or a few hours in the pub?

Student only works part time . Didn't know she had to put money aside for this.

BungleandGeorge · 20/11/2022 12:20

I think that’s awful. It’s very odd that she refuses to introduce you in such a long term relationship as well.
I’d probably go to the shops and then find a long film at the cinema. Or book a cheap travelodge
or just disappear for a bit then go sit in your room

been and done it. · 20/11/2022 12:21

MollieMarie · 20/11/2022 12:03

Could you book a hotel for the day?

She's already advised she has little money.

Dotcheck · 20/11/2022 12:22

MRex · 20/11/2022 11:46

Occupying yourself for 7 hours isn't a lot, it's short notice but fair enough she wants some space. If you're living at home, then your financial predicament seems surprising. How are you so short of money that you can't afford the cinema or a few hours in the pub?

So, so wrong.
Seven hours on a Sunday IS a lot. Stop trying to make the OP feel bad. Although she lives at home, it sounds like she has car expenses and most likely rent too

gettingolderandgrumpier · 20/11/2022 12:22

If say look mum I can’t spend 7 hours out of the house this short notice , and I’m skint so happy to go to the gym for a couple of hours then I’ll stay in my room if you want time alone. it’s your home and shes unreasonable to ask you to stay out of your home for such a long time at short notice. I’ve adult dc and I’d never ask her to stay out of the house for that sort of time .

balalake · 20/11/2022 12:23

Yes I agree with you, the short notice is unreasonable.

Willmafrockfit · 20/11/2022 12:23

no way
plus you should not be paying her so much rent, you work part time!
with that money surely you can live in a house share?
or perhaps not.

i would say no to her,
and say you will be back at 4.30

MollieMarie · 20/11/2022 12:23

To the posters saying OP is unreasonable:

There's no reason why the mum can't just go to her partners house instead of expecting OP to sit in the car for 7 hours freezing and in the dark.

bewarethetides · 20/11/2022 12:24

I don't understand why you can't just say no.
You are paying to live there. £300 is a lot of money for a full time student.
She can't just ask you to not be there, frankly, even if she is your mum.

Tell her it doesn't work for you, you have studying to do and no money, so you will be at home.

Aria999 · 20/11/2022 12:24

Have you tried asking your mum for money for fuel / cinema? In the circumstances it would not be unreasonable!

Willmafrockfit · 20/11/2022 12:24

i hope you can go to your nans.
how does she feel about this relationship?

Dotcheck · 20/11/2022 12:25

And OP- I think you need to move out too. You should be able to change your loan.
In the meantime, as you’re a student- go to the library- you probably have assignments due in the next few months that you can crack on with
☺️

Igotthegoose · 20/11/2022 12:25

I’m curious to know whether she has told him about you?

Willmafrockfit · 20/11/2022 12:25

library is closed @Dotcheck

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 12:25

@Willmafrockfit nobody in the family knows about the relationship, only me. This is why christmas is so tricky, because nobody knows

OP posts:
Barkin2themoon · 20/11/2022 12:26

Definitely not being unreasonable, think you need to confront your mother and explain how awkward you’ve been made to feel, stand your ground calmly and good luck.

been and done it. · 20/11/2022 12:26

bloodyeverlastinghell · 20/11/2022 12:17

Library surely?

On a Sunday- ?

Willmafrockfit · 20/11/2022 12:27

is he married?

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 12:27

Just to update: my nan has replied and said she'll cook us dinner. I'll go to the shops before they close and then will drive down. I can't lie, I do feel a bit sad but there is a lot more to it than I have mentioned

OP posts:
Booklover3 · 20/11/2022 12:27

I’d be tempted to tell your grandparent about the relationship. Your mothers behaviour is very odd. Something isn’t adding up. You deserve better!

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 20/11/2022 12:27

I wonder why the relationship is so secret. Different cultural/religious backgrounds? Is he a felon? Does she pretend she doesn't have a child?

I'm so sorry she chooses him over you for Christmas. She sounds awful.