To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

I see it would be hard but you really need to tell your nan not least so you can plan to go there for Christmas! It is extremely nasty of your mum to leave you for Christmas and also expect none of your relatives to know that you are on your own so they can’t invite you. ‘Mum I’m fed up of Christmasses on my own so I told nan that and I’m going there this year. That way you don’t need to feel guilty abandoning me for Christmas again’ (ha- she doesn’t but may as well pretend she does!) The effect on you means it’s not just her secret. I really hope you can move out next year as something isn’t right here- I notice it hasn’t occurred to you to ask her for £20 for petrol or a movie for Sunday.

I hope you have a lovely time with your nan. Not introducing you after 5 years (especially as you are an adult) is extremely unusual - don't let your mum make you think you are being unreasonable for asking! The Christmas thing is also very sad and unreasonable in my opinion.
As your mum has already shown she cannot discuss it rationally, I think your only option is to ignore it and move out as soon as you reasonably can after you graduate.

I just want to give you a hug op. Your mum is treating you appallingly and I think you will only see this when you have some space.

I find it shocking that she asks you to spend Xmas alone and to keep it a secret so you then can't make plans of your own. I find it shocking that she won't introduce you to her boyfriend of 5 years. I find it shocking that she gives you next to no notice to leave the house for 7 hours. And I find it incredibly sad that when you mention how you feel she then proceeds to shout you down and belittle your feelings. She isn't a nice person.

Could you confide in your nan tonight?

I think your mum should be giving you £15 for petrol and cinema due to the late notice.

I've said I want to move out but my mum has made it clear that she wants me to stay home until I'm fully ready and able to move out

What's her definition of 'fully ready'? pin her down on that. And why does she get so much say if you actually want to move out?

This is disgraceful. Sorry OP, but your mum sounds like a selfish bitch to me. She takes £300 per month from you but feels fine to turf you out of your home for 7 hours at short notice. And the leaving you alone all day on Christmas Day is disgusting.
Mint she’s gave you some petrol money! It’s the least she could do.

That's controlling and abusive. You're not having it easy OP and you need support from people outside this toxic situation.

Moving out asap is also really important. Could it be possible that your nan could offer you a room for 6 months until you finish university if she knew that that's what you need?

@StrongerThanYouTh1nk a couple of years ago me and my mom were going through a rough patch, arguing all the time about finances at my work. I asked my nan if I could stay with her as my mom was on the verge of kicking me out and my nan said I'd only be able to stay for a week or so. 6 months would be a lot to ask. I will be tough and suck it up until I can afford to leave home

And my work* that should say

To me there are two main possibilities-

A. You don't exist, she's never mentioned you at all.
B. You exist, but she's told him you (and her) are much younger and you spend lots of time with your Dad or she's told him Dad has custody. Which would explain why she's so available even though she has a "young" daughter.

Whatever the reason, she's lying to you (and to him). That's why she's so aggressive when you ask anything, to deter you from probing.

For today - Have a nice evening at your Nan's but be determined to get to the bottom of it. Don't let her getting angry put you off. You're entitled to know. She's your Mum and it's your home too. Good luck!

Pleased your nans replied OP and you e somewhere to go.
Are you close to your nan- Is there any way you could live at your nans instead??
Or could you afford to rent a room somewhere?
Your mum's behaviour is very odd.
I can't imagine behaving this way towards my DC who are a similar age.
Why won't she introduce you after 5 years and she's meet his kids?!
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

If moving out now isnt feasible my advice would be to save as much as you can after graduation and try and move out and be as independent as quickly as possible.

I think this is bizarre.

Not introducing you is weird. It’s reasonable to not introduce a partner to children if you’re worried they’re not going to be a permanent feature, it’s likely to upset the children, the loss of dad or breakup is raw etc. It doesn’t sound like any of that really applies here. You know about him but haven’t met him, which is more like weirdly excluding you and making it more of a big deal secret than trying to protect you.

Leaving you to have Christmas on your own is also very odd. Can’t imagine doing this to my children. I guess maybe if I had a lovely holiday opportunity that was only for that date and I knew they had people to spend it with. But not like what you’ve described.

I suppose it’s kind of reasonable of her to want some time to herself in the house but presumably she does get this when you work/study/go out. The lack of notice on a cold rainy Sunday is harsh. And knowing your financial situation a contribution would be nice although not required.

This is not normal OP.

Would you go to pastoral services/student services at the University and ask for someone to talk to.

You sound as if you are in a very controlling emotionally abusive relationship with your mother.

Is there any way you could move in with your grandmother?

£300 for a full time student is a huge amount.

Sounds like she finds the money useful.
Asking you to leave for 7 hours is dreadful.

When you come from a home like you describe, you may be vulnerable to an abusive partner.

Please look at doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk so that you are safeguarded going forward.

Your mother leaving you at Christmas is shocking.

She is a disgrace to do that.

Focus on working hard and getting your best results, and move out asap.

Come back any time to post, we are here for you.

@Runnerduck34 I am close with my nan however, she's very set in her ways, doesn't like her way of living disturbed so me moving in isn't on the cards. She does enjoy me sleeping overnight some weekends. As I said, I will suck it up for now and try to be tough

Nobody has responsibility for your happiness , it’s down to you Op

Your are an adult and don’t have to be brow beaten by a selfish mother

Don't make excuses for her ,make plans for alternative accommodation

I find this very strange.
Reasons for your Mum keeping her boyfriend away from you.... He's much younger than her.

She is jealous he might fancy you.

She puts on an act when around him (hence can't do it with you there )

They do drugs together.

He's a well known criminal.

All of these questions crossed my mind too 🤔

@billy1966 thanks for your advice, I've looked into the freedom programme before. As you mentioned about relationships, I've already had an emotionally abusive ex but I had therapy. Some days I feel really strong but now that I've posted on here I've realised I'm not as tough as I thought I was. Thank you for your support though

I know this may sound like a non issue but my mom also allows her boyfriend and her son access to our streaming accounts. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I know she pays for them but something about it just makes me feel uncomfortable, almost like I'm "intruding"

I think it’s odd and not great but I wouldn’t say leaving an adult child at Christmas and asking them to vacate for 7 hours one day and providing some money for them is abuse. And £300 a month isn’t that much rent presuming it provides a room of your own and bills. It’s far below market rate. Living in a house share isn’t amazing at times either! Most elderly people can’t cope with extended times with family living there, at least Nan has offered you a meal and a warm place today. You’re an adult now, go where you like at Christmas and find your own place when you can. Put your own happiness first

Glad you're seeing your nan op. You've been treated appallingly, I'd be remembering all this and acting accordingly in the future. 💐

@MrsSkylerWhite i never said i hope you don't have children so don't put words in my mouth
And the OP is out plenty of times plus was only asked this morning can you be out for 7 hrs , its sunday not a lot open and OP is a student , paying £300 a month and as lives at home won't get much loan to cover living costs
My ds is at uni but he has a key and can come home anytime , whenever as this is also his home , I would never ask my kids to make them selves scarce for a secret boyfriend , I don't think many would

Good you've sorted something with your nan. But going forwards, you need to talk to your Mum how she can't just chuck you out at random when you are paying rent. If you pay rent, its your room at all times.
Sorry she's being so uncaring

I don't think she is lying about her age, since they've been together they've since spent every birthday together, been on holiday etc

I'm glad you have sorted something with your Nan.

Your mum doesn't sound very nice. Why should you keep her secrets when she treats you like she does - Leaving you alone at Christmas. 😯

You owe her no loyalty. So don't give her any. What does your Nan do at Christmas? Spill the beans. Your mum has no thought for you so invest in people who do. She's probably a bit embarrassed about her behaviour hence you having to keep quiet but not enough to be a better person/mum.