To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

It's not unusual to live at home at 24.

Thank you everyone for your support. I'm still applying for grad jobs and trying to make my CV up to standard, did some studying today too. Things feel hard but hopefully won't be this way forever

@GuidoTheKillerPimp

You're obviously lucky enough to never have been in that predicament!!
Not a helpful comment!

OP is a full time student with a P/T job. She gives mum £300/month.
Have you seen the cost of renting? Mum has also said she prefers her at home.

OP is aiming to leave when she graduates & has a job.

You sound very mean spirited.

I think a lot of posters are trying to offer you support because they genuinely care, whereas some are totally unhelpful and rude.

Whatever is going on with your mum & her fella, it can't be very easy for you but none of it is your fault. It does sound like everything is about her and you don't matter - that isn't right. It's your home too.

When you had a boyfriend did she go out of the way for hours on end if you asked her to? Is it some sort of unspoken arrangement?

Or is she thinking she's protecting you by excluding you from 'her relationship', she might feel threatened having a young attractive daughter that maybe her fella might fancy and that would be really awkward.

The argument you mentioned when she took all your childhood photos down - was that so her fella wouldn't see them if & when he came to the house?

I can't weigh it up, it's not normal - I'm guessing he's younger than your mum.

It sounds like mum has isolated you from everyone including herself and that's unforgivable, you are worth so much more. I tell my daughter this, her dad has done the same to her as your mum and dad have done to you. Awful, awful parenting.

Lots of support on here xxx

One more thing - you will see a different softer side from her when you do as you're told and don't rock the boat, surprised she didn't pat you on the head! Yes we all have to give and take but there is so much more to a mother/daughter relationship than what she's giving out.

Due to your age I’m wondering if your mum feels threatened by your presence - ie she thinks he might prefer you. It’s a horrible thought I know, but maybe your mum views you as competition and that’s why she won’t let the 2 of you meet. There is something very off about her not introducing you and not wanting you around. It would make me suspicious.

You bought with your husband so not on your own two feet. You also presumably were working full time. OP is a student and pays a not inconsiderable rent considering her low income. Getting out of her home for 7 hours on a damp dark cold November evening with little income is not easy on a Sunday.

Her mum sounds awful especially leaving her daughter alone on Christmas Day. I would never have treated either of my DDs like that. Very strange she won't introduce her boyfriend or feel the need to kick her own daughter l worse than a lodger.

Op, how many more times do you need to hear the advice given before you realise that you need to sort yourself out ? There are many places you can turn to for help. I’m not convinced you actually want to change anything.

What exactly do you want her to say or do??

Give the poor girl a break she’s doing great in the circumstances. She’s studying & working and paying her way & not in a position to move out yet.

She needs support on here not being told off for not doing the equivalent of LTB.

Life’s complex FGS not black & white. As if she’s going in the space of a few days to have magicked enough money, has moved out & gone NC. Just because she’s been told to.

It actually sounds like this thread has helped her open her eyes to her mother’s gaslighting & manipulation & realise fully what’s been going on.

Good luck OP & strength & support for navigating your way through this & beyond 💐

I also wonder if your mum’s partner is married? If she’s keeping her relationship secret from everyone in her life? Do they ever socialise with mutual friends or friends of hers?
Like other PP’s have said there are ways you can get your Nan to start seeing how she’s treating you & you’re not obliged to keep her secrets.

Can't she just keep the noise down?
It's not like you are a child any more?

@OngoingCrisis I think your mum has a cheek to ask you to evacuate the house..I bet he's married.
If it was just a meal, they would be quite happy for you to be in your room.

So Op I have sat down and RTFT from beginning to end because I felt so moved. You are amazingly articulate and are carving out the beginnings of a very successful life for yourself 💐
Many helpful & insightful comments have already been made & many supportive ones too. You definitely do deserve better and thank goodness for the presence of Nan in your life.
I am so sorry you have been in an abusive relationship, I keep coming back to that as I wonder about what is truly going on. Did your mum support you with this? Help you end it? Or was she possibly a protagonist?
IF you do have any form of ADHD etc these things run in families and could be making your mum act in non typical ways but then again she could be a narcissist as others have mentioned - we just don’t know.
It is tempting to ‘have it all out’ but you need to finish your studies calmly in a safe space so I personally would bide my time, as it is now relatively short. If you feel you could confide in Nan & she would keep it to herself I think I would definitely to this.
The idea of helping out at a Christmas Event is inspired - I’ve no doubt you could choose charity route (great on CV) or even adding to your coffers at a Hotel etc.
So many brave posters on here who have overcome adversity.

I wonder if your mum is hiding your age from him to make herself appear younger so doesn’t want you around for that reason. The not spending Christmas with you for the past couple of years also makes me suspicious. She’s been with him a long time now without an introduction.
its unreasonable to expect you to be out of the house for that length of time and although you feel it’s not your truth to tell, I’d still confide in your Nan .
you’re paying rent so it’s your home . If you were renting or house sharing , you wouldn’t leave the house for that length o& time for a housemate .
You need to be brave and speak up otherwise this will continue

I've said I want to move out but my mum has made it clear that she wants me to stay home until I'm fully ready and able to move out.

You don’t need your mum’s permission or approval to move out!

I think

the op is a vulnerable young woman. Not confident and not at all experienced in managing her own expenses. Doesn’t have many friends and very limited romantic experience.

I don’t think her mum is financially taking advantage of her at all. £300 for rent, all bills and all food - is not remotely taking the piss

the mother isn’t embarrassed by her partner. She hasn’t introduced her daughter because she wants to keep her love life completely separate from her daughter. Because she perhaps feels a bit embarrassed by her daughter, which is horrible of her.

realistically - the op is very very dependent on her mother and will be for some time. She works part time in obviously a very low income job if not able to afford the cinema and her mother has to transfer £10 to her for petrol. And let’s be honest… the employment market for grad jobs isnt exactly booking. Oh and she has zero savings.

I don’t see any change possible in the immediate future but given the op has a roof over her head, all bills and all good covered, studying and has a part time job and her own car…. Life could be worse

No

but she does need money

and she doesn’t have any

And if she’s currently paying £300 month for rent, all bills and all food and still having to be subbed a tenner by her mother for petrol and zero savings…. I don’t see that changing in the near future

In that case, the OP’s statement which I quoted is completely irrelevant here. She can’t move out because she can’t afford to.

Full time students who decide to live at home are expected to live at home until they graduate, surely? The funding etc is all set up this way for them.

^^ Sorry I meant to quote the pp that asked why OP was living at home.

I didn't HAVE to be given any money, that was my moms choice. I appreciate your posts but I feel that you are way too focused on the money side of things. I do have savings but not enough for me to just leave yet

I think each year when you apply you have to say whether your circumstances have changed or not regarding living situations. As it's my final year I'm not sure if it's too late to get student accommodation

Thank you for your comment :)