To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

Damn this happened to you but like I feel my feelings hurt by this whole situation

Sorry OP but that's just weird.

She wants you to stay in a house because you're not ready or able to move out of (fair point) but wants you to leave the house because she has, in five years, never introduced you to him?!

Do you know this person's name?!

Just putting out there but is he younger than your Mum?

One of your old teachers?

A friend of the family?

It's very strange that you've never met him! And if he has a 10 year old, that suggests to me he's in his 30s rather than older. Not saying your Mum is really old (!) But could be a reason you've never met him.......

Sorry I'd you've answered this elsewhere, I haven't read all the comments!!

Personally, I think it's a cheek to expect you to disappear for 7 hours in the middle of winter. Get some snacks and a bottle of wine and find some good films to watch!

Oh god. That's awful. I'd say no. It's cold, dark and miserable out. Tell your mum to sod off

Sorry OP your mum is so controlling. I would worry that your £300 pm rent is going to this man. Is he blackmailing her? Is she being controlled by him. Has he got his eyes on you and your mum trying to keep you out of the way.
You could tell her you don’t feel well and may have covid so you’re staying in bed.
However there is something seriously wrong here and I worry you may be at risk.

Yanbu, in fact I would feel quite upset! Surely this would be an ideal time for you both to meet? I couldn't imagine doing that to my child, sorry but it's just not very nice. Xx

I would take the uneasy atmosphere at home as a clear sign that I need to move out (speaking from experience) and I would take a train to somewhere picturesque with museums etc and that is 7 hours easy.

@OngoingCrisis I am gobsmacked reading all this.

Your Mother sounds utterly toxic. Her behaviour towards her own daughter is nothing short of abusive and manipulative.

You sound like a lovely person and I think she knows how to assert her dominance with you and manipulate you into doing as she says and backing down.

Can I ask, what does your Nan do at Xmas? Is she alone? Could you maybe go spend Xmas with her this year? Offer to cook the Xmas dinner and have Xmas day together. Take an overnight bag and spend Xmas day and Boxing day with your Nan. Then neither of you are alone at Xmas and can enjoy each others company. Cheeky drink, watch some Xmas films together etc

Do you think your Nan would feel differently about you staying at hers for a few months, if she knew what was going on at home?

I know your original thread query has been and gone but re the £300 I wanted to put this into perspective.

When I house shared around 8 years ago there were 3 of us £750 rent (so not far off a monthly mortgage)

We all used to pay £350 which covered rent, all bills, virgin media and then household cleaning materials including toilet roll. Food was bought by individuals.

I would say as a single person I would spend around 60 at the moment a week on food and drink if I wasn't super careful.

So 300 to cover everything is not a bad amount.... however your mum was paying this before you became an adult and would have been getting benefits so how did she manage before?

Something doesn't sit right for me with your mum especially the 5 year secrecy, If she liked a secret relationship you wouldn't know about it at all.... I can't put my finger on it though...

Honestly based on the small amount of info I don't think it would be a bad thing for you to find a house share or flat share and get some independence even if it costs you a little more

@MeAndMyKatzen -yes the OP knows his name ,which area he lives in and what sort of work he is in .

@Juststopamoment OP is a student in her early 20s and works p.time .She is short of cash .

OP went to her Nans and then waited for her mother to ring and tell her it's ok to return to "her" "home".

Aw poor OP.

Seems strange she hasn't introduced him to you in 5 years.

Does he know you exist?

You've made plans to go to your nans so that's the immediate situation dealt with but I think you need a sit down chat with your mam and tell her that short notice like that really isn't acceptable in future. I'd also tell her you find it hurtful that you've not been introduced after 5 years but if that's her decision then you respect it (given youve raised it before and shes belittled your feelings and accused you of being dramatic it still gets your feelings across without causing a row hopefully), however you will not be vacating the house again without reasonable notice and funds.

What happens at 9pm, I wonder?

OP can you go to your local library (free) and then to the cinema for a couple of hours?

How are you so short of money that you can't afford the cinema or a few hours in the pub?

🙄

Whoops, just read your update OP. Your nan sounds lovely — can you move in with her and pay her rent instead?

OP I think you’re underplaying this a bit.

I think you should take a small step and tell someone about this issue in real life. We are all just words on a page. Even if it’s just one friend. Tell someone and talk to them about it.

otherwise what will happen is you won’t fully escape the clutches (and they are clutches) of your mum. You’ll get a job and there will be another reason for you not to move out just yet.

Can you not ask to borrow some cash for fuel and go the cinema and out for a meal

How fucking insensitive

If there’s no friends/relatives you can go to and your mum clearly wants you out for the day, ask her to fund a hotel overnight for you. You can book in from 2pm, and eat there. At least, you will be warm and can watch telly all day.

As a single mum, I get where your mum is coming from, not introducing until she’s ready!

Why not ask your mum if she’d buy you a cinema ticket? It’s late notice, winter and if your friends aren’t available it’s that or they rearrange.

My electric was £69 so after the £66 rebate I paid £3. My gas was under £30. If the OPs house is similar and a council band of A, low insurance, cheap Internet then the only thing that might not be costed in the £300 is food. OP needs to see the bills before paying more.

OP, I'm glad your nan took you in but you need to have words with your mother and say you won't be doing that again, its not like she's not had other options in the past five years. I'm guessing he has a criminal record or was unpopular ex which is why she doesn't want nan to know.

If your mum wants this to happen she needs to pay for you to stay in a hotel (a nice one!) for the night! She can’t just expect you to be out the house that long at the weekend.

@OngoingCrisis is the city so small it doesn't have a cinema?

I get this but feel 5 years is excessive