To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

Her other thread says 3 years, which would mean they only met during lockdown and would make it more understandable that they aren't ready to come out as serious yet.

Who would treat a flat mate like this? You might ask them if they could go out, you might ask them to stay in their room as much as possible but you shouldnt just spring this sort of thing with no notice.

Time to sit down with your mum and tell her how difficult it was not to have any notice. Tell her you need a couple of days notice in future. Also that if she is planning to do this often you really think it's time you met him.

None of this is normal. She’s either embarrassed of you, embarrassed of him or told him lies that she doesn’t want you to drop her in it about. Does she have a personality disorder? Personally I would have to discuss it with her.

Mum can we talk.as in from a place I just need to talk through a few things in my head.nor to be angry,blame or put anything on you I just need to talk.
Your mum owes you an ear.and to ask questions.particuly about this man.if she starts to get irritated just readjust. And again calmly say there is nothing wrong intended her way,but you need to talk there tho he through now.

I saw the pp post about paying £750 as a student to live in a house, inc bills. But the rent was being paid to a landlord, who was probably making a profit on the rent. She doesn't really have the same rights as a tenant, paying a landlord.
Or the same rights to enjoy her "rental" it seems without being asked to stay out at short notice. Also leaving her alone at Christmas is the pits.

The OP has said she wants to pay her way. Mum won't show her the bills.
OP's mum has said she shouldn't leave for financial reasons. No doubt the OP's mum would miss sharing the household costs.

OP... how long until you graduate and can start looking for full time work? Could you stay with your Gran until then? on the basis that this is only temporary?

I don’t know anyone who charges their child £300 a month whilst they’re a full time student! Unless you were really struggling to survive. I charge my son £40 a month for principle and he helps with housework and cooking

She is being completely unreasonable and deeply weird. Five years and she hasn't introduced you? She leaves you on your own at Xmas for this Prince?

I wonder if she hasn't told him that she has a family.

It is absolutely your place to tell your nan why you've been thrown out for the day.

BTW you deserve a lot more consideration from your mum.

OP in a few years, you're going to have a degree, a job, your own place to live and a whole load of potential partners to choose from, a great social life and tons of joy. You'll be able to pop in on your nan and see your mum on your own terms.

Right now, if you've only got a few months left of your degree I'd get your head down and focus on the long run. Your mum is not treating you right, for one reason or another. But brighter times are ahead. I think once you get out from under her shadow you'll realise how much hurt she's caused. Good luck.

Oh I’m so sorry you’re in this position, that’s not nice at all. I would say to your mum that you can’t afford to go out & your friends aren’t available to host, so could she meet him somewhere else or introduce you & then you’ll be in your room? You pay to live there, it’s your home too.
It sounds super uncomfortable & I’m really sad that your Mum has put you in this position to be honest, I certainly wouldn’t do this to my daughter x

Well it kinda happened yesterday

I agree. I feel so bad for you! I have 2 daughters and a son around your age, and I would never, ever not spend Christmas with them - or ask them to leave the house for any reason.

Two are graduates, youngest is in uni. I also never asked any of them for a penny when they were students, even though they had p/t jobs. 2nd DC cost the most as they went to uni away from home, and had to be supported. The elder two both moved away for 3 years but for various reasons, all are at home now.

Eldest is having kittens because she pays up £300 a month - and she's in a full-time, permanent, professional post!!

There's something wrong with this man I reckon, or maybe she's having an affair with someone who's not free to be with her - I don't know but it's all very odd! Never mind them - could you live with your nan while you finish your final year? Don't let your mum's weird behaviour affect your finals. Keep the head down, get a good degree - hopefully you get a job quickly and then you are free. Best of luck xx

I'm sorry you've ended up trapped in this sort of teenage half life when you're in your early twenties. Following on suggestions from others I think you need to separate your social life/waking life from her as much as possible. Volunteering is a great plan. Houseshare lined up for next year? if you work in a bar/cafe could you hang out there sometimes for free (they give you cheap soft drinks)?

Lord knows what's going on with your mum and her "boyfriend" but it's more fishy than Billingsgate. I can't believe curiosity hasn't got the better of you by now.

Sorry to say but it sounds like your mum has brought you up to blindly obey or there'll be "trouble", and that training was probably what made you a target for an abusive man. Great you're seeking counselling x

Her mum gave her some fuel money and she went to her nan's

It happened yesterday, and the OP said she went to her nan's for dinner.

How are you such an insensitive short sighted fool? News flash. Not everyone has spare cash lying around for things like this. Especially in the current climate. And the op explained this anyway if you bothered to read rather than judge

I can't believe he's been outside of the house to pick her up and she's still not let you meet him!! So weird of her!

Really dreadful that she's been going to him at Xmas and leaving you alone, too.

She's being a bit selfish, OP. I think you need to let her know how this is negatively affecting you.

OP, you sound lovely. I know a lot of people have commented that you should get therapy and you’ve said you’re worried about the impact of all of this on you, but please don’t add extra pressure and worry on to yourself.

your mum is being rather selfish… and you are an absolutely lovely daughter to try to see it from her point of view and support her by going to your nan’s.

Please just keep being you - aim for independence, like you are doing already and try not to let any feelings fester. Life is too short. Soon you will be out of there, living your life. I just hope sometime your mum looks back and feels some guilt about how she has treated you.

Have you considered renting a room with an older person OP? sometimes a single older person will let a room with low rent in exchange for company and support around the home. Sounds like you're already doing that, may as well do it on your terms! Good luck.

I’m sorry but you seem like a huge inconvenience to your Mum and this isn’t ok! 5 years is a long bloody time to hide a relationship from people and to not introduce you two. You should not be made to feel silly for bringing this up with her. If she can meet his child but not introduce you, it feels like there is some huge lie she’s been telling and is trying to keep it up. The sooner you’re able to move out of there the better!

I think she’s being a bit unreasonable because she doesn’t want you to have to move out but she also wants you to vacate for a few hours. That’s not fair. Either it’s your home or not isnt.

I think you need to stand up For yourself a bit more and make plans to move out whether she likes it or not. No one should feel out of place in their own home particularly when they pay for it!

I just can’t imaging chucking my child out of their home for a man.

OP, I saw your post and immediately needed to put a message on here. I went through something very similar when I was younger. I was living with my mum and stepdad when my mum decided to have an affair with someone she met at work. Long story short, the affair lasted 4 years before she finally decided to get divorced - needless to say it was a long 4 years where I’d get chucked out the house ALL THE TIME so my mum could have sex in peace and continue with her secretive life (my stepdad was at work at the time). I remember wondering the streets with my 3 year old brother thinking what the fuck is this life? I had no money, nowhere to go, no family near-by.. it was a very lonely existence. I ended up moving out when I was 17, I rented a room for a while and managed to live on a rather low wage until I went to uni. I would strongly suggest getting your degree over and done with and finding a job (and I mean ANY job) just so you can get away from this toxic woman. She is abusive, controlling, manipulative and money grabbing, she is literally using you (my mother down to a T)
I also went to therapy like yourself and it made me realise how messed up I am because of what I’ve been through. My story does have a happy ending though - I graduated with a First, got an amazing job in London, recently bought a house and I am now in a loving/stable relationship (but it did take a while to feel safe/trust my partner btw). A few months ago I gave birth to a daughter and I swore to always work my arse off to be the best version of myself for her.
p.s my mum is still a cunt and will remain a cunt, I just had to accept that there are some awful people in this world but you can be better!
Good luck OP, you will be fine!

This.

Never in a million years.

What is she covering up.

I couldn’t just read and run. You sound like such a lovely girl. It’s awful how your mum is treating you. I would never ever have my daughter spend Xmas alone to be with my fella. You deserve better. I too have been in a very abusive relationship. It was terrible. But please know there are amazing men out there! And you will find happiness one day. Mine is an amazing partner/dad. Please take care of yourself and good luck with your studies x